Called to light and Mr.A hides

Maybe my tactics of weaning him off of me are working? I do know he tries to get more creative with his need to have my attention when his usual methods don’t work. Our communication has finally drifted into once every  two weeks when he gets paid and I collect rent from him. I think the final thing that caved his house of cards is me finally having enough and verbally putting him on the spot in front of the others he purposely ignores.

It was the day after our concert, we were home, not feeling entirely enthused to get back to home life as I was still exhausted from the concert we decided to go out to eat, my husband, my best friend, and I came down the stares to Mr.A reclining on the couch, he waited for my husband to exit the room before asking how I liked the concert (he never asks the group that all went how we liked something, just me) so I say “Don’t you mean “we”, how did “we” like the concert?” and then say to my friend and husband “how did “we” like the concert?” My friend and husband piped up about what a great time they had well I stood silent, panic flushed over his face once he realized I was on to how he often doesn’t include others in the house.

The weeks that followed have been met with no longer engaging me when I am with a person he choses to ignore which has restricted him to only talking to me on pay day. As these interactions transpire where he has the full benefit of my individual time for about 15 mins he now is speaking over my radio. He likes to brag about himself in this time and has even quit pretending that he cares how my day is as he no longer ask how I am, just how he is the best sales person at his store and when their district manager is expected to be there. I say nothing, let the radio blare on and kind of hibernate in my mind , to tired to even acknowledge much of what he says. Ironically he can speak for hours about the job he’s found, but says nothing about the fact that he’s dating.

To me it seems kind of crazy that he thinks he can hide that fact, I can feel when a person is different and notice things, so I’ve noticed his changed behaviors before I had it confirmed that he is in fact dating. For someone that boasts about all the women that flirt with him it seems funny that he would finally start dating in the weeks that followed my verbal reprimand and for the first time it’s the first female he’s met where he didn’t insist on us talking as if he was expecting my approval of her. Which I have seen her page and from what I gather they are in the first month and there doesn’t seem to be a honey moon phase, she has posted things that suggest she isn’t sure if she is being played and he never responds to her tags unless it gives him a chance to brag.

For my sake I hope it works out because I am hoping he’ll quit zeroing in on me. I decided despite my awareness I will say nothing to him because I’m sure any mention of such will suddenly make him think you care, which my own reason for caring is to feel less engulfed by him, it’s a relief to see some effort to move on even if superficial.

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Breaking away from Mr.A

The little games he likes to play hoping you’ll question him, that you’ll be intrigued, or at the very least he can try to manipulate you with. I honestly don’t know how Mr.A has so many people fooled into being a culpable adult who can hold down a management position, in two years he went from freeloader slacker to helping run a small store. I’m sure he is good at his job, these cluster b’s especially sociopaths excel quiet well in their jobs. However I wonder how they hired a person who doesn’t have a driver license for a position that he would be required to travel occasionally for important meetings and make bank deposits for the company.

I recall one night he texted me for a ride to the bank so he could make a deposit for his company, when I arrived, he fumbled around in his place of business and came out 10 minutes after the place was suppose to close telling me how a customer came in as the store was about to close and it’d be a half hour before he would be done, no apology for my effort of coming just said you can go now I’ll just walk. I honestly should of pulled out of the parking lot, but I saw the sky was ready to dump so I stayed. When he was done and came out, he got in the car, no thank you for waiting, as we drove to the bank he rambled on about an expensive 100k car he wanted, to me this is funny yet insulting, you are not paying me for my gas or time to give you a ride, you are not thanking me for helping you, he also wants a 100k car which to finance would probably cost him more than what he pays a month in rent, can’t even save money, heck he hasn’t even finished paying off his last mode of transportation (a bike which got stolen) because he leased it and he’d rather pay $20 a pay period then pay the 3 installment payments of $40 to be done with it.

He spoke of contributing more to expenses for things as groceries as before he barely made enough to survive and we helped greatly with making sure he got fed. Nothing has changed, all talk, which with most cluster b’s it is always just talk, so you’ll be dazzled by them. Besides where else could you live where you get Rent, water, electric, internet, groceries, no not just groceries, home cooked meals and the occasional ride for $600 a month, would you believe he thought that was to much, he tried to get away with $300. I’ve gotten where I don’t even see the point in providing home cooked meals as the first week of payday he dines out every night until he is to broke to do so, he usually will chow down on the saved plate of food for breakfast, so why cook for him especially when he does these stupid little happy dances thinking he must be special cause I cooked one of his favorite meals. All his crazy games he plays like refusing to put the scoop for the coffee in the container and insist hooking it onto the machine, so when I break the hook so he can’t hang it on the machine, he quits drinking, as if to protest, but occasionally he does drink it and adds it to the grocery list like I don’t know it’s low ( and yes I do know he isn’t drinking coffee at home as much as a can of coffee used to last only 3 weeks and now it last me 2 months).

Everything is a game, hoping I’ll ask questions, but I don’t because I don’t want to. The best part is knowing we both shift behind the silence with our own agenda, he doesn’t ask questions either, which gives me the option to reduce my contact, my efforts, and preserve my energy. I haven’t made him a home cooked meal in nearly 3 weeks, from now on it’s his favorite ramen, cereal, access to milk, and tv dinners. It saves me time, money, and energy as some nights I make a dinner for two for my husband and I and something simple for my son. I hope with the changes he begins to realize the context of our relationship has changed and we can transition to more of a flat mate relationship (I hate the Americanized word room mate because it sounds like you share a room…creepy). I can only hope it encourages him to move out on his own and he no longer sees me as supply. I don’t know how it will effect him, but one thing is for certain it feels good to cut the cord, I’m freeing myself from his sociopathic control and game plays a little more as we go along.

The missed confession

There have been many times among asking Mr.A to join us for family get together that I missed what he truly was saying because his excuse for not coming is he doesn’t like being around large groups of people that he has antisocial personality disorder. Do any of you know what that is? I didn’t know at the time, but along my research I have learned it’s just a nicer way of saying sociopath. A sociopath has disregard for, or violates, the rights of others. They don’t follow social norms and really don’t care anything about you, they just use you to fill their own selfish needs.

Had I known what this was like a decade ago I would of ran when he first told me. It explains all the times he said so to me when I asked for him to please not share his story, the times he ignored my best friends tears and continued to talk about himself, the stories of violence, the manipulative starring he does, honestly just everything about him. It’s just recent that I figured it out, as I struggle with people who are hurtful I tend to study their behavior in depth, it’s how I learn what I’m dealing with and how to recognize it if I should encounter it again. Sociopaths are far more insidious that your run of the mill narcissist, most of them can’t even  pretend to show interest unless they know it’s something they can manipulate you with

So he told me in complete honesty what was wrong with him and I missed it because I didn’t know it meant sociopath. , sociopath stare is often how they manipulate their prey, I strongly suggest you google it. While the typical symptoms may include (according to the mayo clinic):

Disregard for right and wrong
Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others
Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others
Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure
Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated
Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior
Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty
Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead
Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence
Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others
Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others
Poor or abusive relationships
Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them
Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations

Which I hate to say it, but each personality disorder in the cluster b seems very likely to overlap the other. It’s definitely heartbreaking to know he has no regard for others, but the only bright side to dealing with this cluster b (from my experience which will be different for each of you based on situation) with my particular situation is he has no control in this home or over me, I am no longer a friend, I just take care of the obligations of the home and have reduced most of my interaction with him to mere passing’s and payday run to the bank to receive his end of the financial obligation. If you have one of these types in your life, if you can get rid of him quickly, if you can’t then start researching strategies on how to deal with a sociopath, but mostly you’ll read to get as far away from this person as possible.

The Trickster

What’s the most insidious thing he has ever done? He convinced my best friend that he was a nice guy. My friend had forgotten about my general annoyance and grievances with him and began to assume he must be ok if he was living with us. Well at the time he seemed like a redeeming guy when he helped around the house when my husband was in the hospital and walked with him at night so I could get some rest. He even tried acting like my gay best friend, except for he wasn’t gay, like that time of the month he was like your designated bff to eat pizza, chocolate and watch movies with.

What girl wouldn’t like the sound of a guy who is supportive of your vegetative state? Not to mention need I remind you how charming they are in the beginning and can love bomb you. When my friend let down her guard it was before we truly understood what he was and all the realms of cluster B personality disorders. She fell for it and all that day I sensed something was a brewing as I noticed them quietly talking among themselves, as I became more perplexed feeling paranoid that they weren’t telling me something, I didn’t find out until the next day when all was revealed, I felt sick cause I definitely didn’t think he deserved her, that he was an asshole, and feared telling her the truth that I don’t even think she should give him a chance. I’ve had friends accuse me of not wanting them to be happy when I expressed concern, I didn’t want her to think I was telling her what to do.

Fast forward to now and you’d never be able to guess that they once tried being a couple, there is no awkwardness because of them, only the way he is towards me. Now as I look back and try to theorize why he went after her? I can’t help but feel it was a great supply, my empathetic friend who’s emotions he could manipulate in either to make her cry or feel sorry for him. He made her his flying monkey telling her the horrors from his childhood so when I reached my breaking point and wanted him  to leave she’d pled with me to reconsider. The reason he is still here is because of the empathy she felt for him and the guilt I felt like I was somehow wrong for kicking him to the curb.

It was his complete disrespect for her that lead to their relationship ending, I was grateful it wasn’t volatile, I was scared that if it ended badly it would forever effect the way our friendship progressed, that my friend may never come over to my house again. It was ended by her without a fight, as she began to learn with me about personality disorders she began to highlight things she now sees as alarming and wish she had known then what he was now so she could of warned me.

She said there were times she’d ask him to take it easy on me as I was already under a lot of stress, she said he would chuckle like he was delighted with a grin on his face kind of shaking his head no and each time she asked he’d do it. One time she asked to watch a show with him, something we were all into and he shut her down completely telling her he only watches it with me.

However when things were back to normal, he would invade our girl time insisting on watching our chick flick movie with us and then acting out so to ruin our girls night. One night he did that and I stormed off, I told him I couldn’t stand the sight of him and was going to my room, he refused to leave me alone for a good half hour knocking and demanding I talk to him, I told him I didn’t want to talk. He then closed himself in the bathroom crying hysterically, my friend when returning from her walk tried to go in to see if he was ok, he wouldn’t let her in and nearly slammed the door on her fingers, she came and got me cause she was concerned, I really didn’t want to go see what the matter was I already felt so manipulated. I went and with the first word I said the door magically opened and he let us in, I felt the need to keep reintegrating I had a right to be mad, like I was supposed to apologize for getting mad that he violated my boundaries and tried to manipulate my emotions? I felt like that whole night was one big manipulation. There would be more, but he would no longer trick me with I’ll get help just so he could get me to hug him.

Now her and I both know what he is, he got to trick her like he tricked me. I vowed to her I’d be up front with her because I now know she values my opinion and knows I wouldn’t say it unless there was a reason. She promised to do the same, now that we know what they are we don’t let one slide by without sounding the alarm for the other.

 

Commentary reels for Mr.A

So you’re probably wondering what memories swirled in my head and came flooding back with a commentary over them now that I’m looking back and seeing things with perspective? I can remember the first time I rejected him for starters, the moment I thought he knew to move on. We all were hanging in a group of people, my best friend was there, I remember her feeling bad for him, I told her about the move he tried to make, and he was taking it hard watching my husband and I holding hands, it was the beginning stages of our romance, when my best friend trailed off after him to make sure he was ok he tried to kiss her, she stopped him in his tracks, rejected more than once by 2 women in the same crowd.

I even think about the moment I first rejected his advance towards me, him and I goofed around, making jokes, playfully pulling each others hair, I thought we were becoming  friends, until he reached for my hand and said what he said(see my blog conditioned) I didn’t want him to think things had to be difficult or weird that there was the option of friends, I playfully pulled his hair and he? he placed me in a headlock that I could not escape(see complete sociopath, can’t even handle rejection) I guess he didn’t realize it was only going to play up to me liking my husband even more, I called out for his help and he helped me, he bent his arm behind his back and knocked his ass to the floor and directed him that he was never to do that to me again. What girl doesn’t like a man who can protect her?

I think about the first event I was invited to by my husbands family, we said he could chill at our house and as we were leaving he thought he was hysterical by rubbing his stinky armpit in my hair, I came close to not going to the party, I looked kind of sloppy showing up with wet hair because I had to wash it. The creepy things he said like I remind him of his birth mom, the truly bizarre things I was given excuses for like him laying his head in my lap or trying to hug me a lot. His need for me to approve of the girls he dated, the way he looked (not that he’d change it to appease me).

The time my husband had his accident, he waited at a friends apartment that lived in the same building as me waiting for me to come home when he read about my husband on facebook. He offered to be there to help, he did help, but I remember the first night of the accident and him being there, I couldn’t sleep in my bed without my husband , I told him I was going to sleep on the couch, when I woke up he was starring at me, when I wondered if I slept at all he assured me that I got at least 2 hours sleep. I couldn’t even get him to come see my husband in the hospital, it has to make you wonder what was going through his mind?

However I was conditioned not to believe the worst and as I broke away from my mom’s family, I was scared and weak , we agreed to let him move in with us so there was someone in the house when I picked my husband up from work. He tried acting like my protector wanting to kill or beat up anyone that hurt me, if I made my husband confront him on a issue he wouldn’t talk to him for days and want to remain chummy with me. He would always tell me when my husband was doing something that would have me upset with him, it was hard to say it, but I told him to quit telling me things like that, that it felt like he was purposely being destructive to our marriage.

He loves to see my husband and I argue, he beams from ear to ear as he looks at me. He walks away or looks away when we kiss, usually with his face in his palms. Just insidious layers of me being his sociopathic prey.

The big reveal

As my friend and I discussed in great detail the things that were becoming to hard to ignore, Mr.A’s laser focus on me, I couldn’t help, but ask my husband do you notice these things? am I crazy? cause I don’t think I’m imagining it, I don’t want his attention, but I see I am getting it.

Then my husband admitted that he knew his friend still liked me after him and I began dating. He didn’t know in the ways you can see a friends interest and have to reel them away, his friend openly and blatantly said to him that he knew that I liked him and I was going to be his, this coming from him months after my husband and I first moved in together. I was stunned to hear this, after I was told to excuse the things I found weird about him as simple misunderstandings related to how he grew up.

Before anyone starts to wonder what is up with my husband, he is a sweet rather passive man that people tend to take advantage of, sometimes he struggles with finding genuine friends and struggles with telling people what is bothering him, he too has cluster b parents, instead of struggling with confrontation he chose low contact and moved more than a 1000 miles away from his mom and his dad moved more than a 1000 miles away from him, but he’s come to terms with that actually might be a good thing. Since our relationship has begun I have seen his parade of looser user type of friends, occasionally he finds a good one, but his judge of character sometimes leaves more to be desired for.

However back to the reveal, when my husband let the words slip over his lips, I was stunned, I wondered how he just didn’t tell this guy to get lost, I mean most people would except for those who feel they deserved it or must keep quiet in order to get people to like them and he definitely was that guy, before me he was friends with ex girlfriends that cheated on him, he was the nice guy people used to feel less shitty about their shitty behavior. It didn’t make it feel any less violating, if I wasn’t made to believe I was to rash in my feelings and he was deserving of my friendship, if I had known this I would of never got close, I would of never been ok with it, I would of never been sold on his sob story because I would of known it was only a story to get me not to trust my own gut.

Realizing this, I now was seeing our relationship with him with the directors commentary I wasn’t able to hear until the movie was made, it played back every detail with an omg gut wrenching realization that had I ignored what others said and listened to my own commentary, this story would be completely different and he wouldn’t be so enmeshed in my life right now.

Into the looking glass

Just to save time, I will call this friend of my husband’s Mr.A (as in mr. annoying, but far shorter). Cue 2016 starting off poorly, the job my husband took to better our situation didn’t pan out, my husband found work, but it proved to not be the best in providing financially, I pushed Mr.A to find a job telling him we could no longer afford to financially support him, and he either began to pull his weight or we were just going to have to cut the line because we had to think of ourselves.

He got a job in February and with it things began to change. We weren’t going to renew our lease and applied for an apartment in the next town over, closer to the guys jobs, as we began to pack my best friend spent a lot of time in the final weeks before our move helping me as the guys were pretty hopeless especially Mr.A as he sat in a chair writing fiction stories in his notebook while he watched us work. However it was the way he acted towards me that began to draw attention.

I remember one afternoon getting sick and saying out loud who wants to come snuggle with me? What I was really wanting was the company of my friend to chat with while I laid down, my friend wanted me to rest and said she was going for a walk, but what surprised me was when I got to my bedroom door and entered the room I found Mr.A standing behind me in the door frame, I shut the door in his face and figured he didn’t get that I was joking about the snuggling part or that in any case I would never snuggle with him.

What I didn’t anticipate is how fast we’d notice how obvious some of his behaviors got. There would be times he couldn’t keep his eyes off of me, it began to creep my friend out when she would see him super focused on me. She’d ask do you ever notice the way he looks at you? Something isn’t right, she was right about that, once she said something and I looked I didn’t like what I saw. Sadly it only got worse once we moved into the apartment and even with the measures I have taken to distance myself it doesn’t stop his attempts to engage me.

When we moved I decided our electronics wouldn’t go in the living room, I was rather annoyed with how he had a tendency to hog them (when we were back at the house), but wouldn’t help us pack or move anything, so why should we let him enjoy something he doesn’t care for and did no work in helping move it. Something I didn’t realize would lead to him seeing my husband as worthless and unable to use so he would then discard him completely and make me his primary focus.

Mr.A like to use his eyes to manipulate and control a person and I began to realize it as there were often times he never spoke a word just looked into my eyes and expected me to anticipate his needs from the way he stared. If I tried avoiding eye contact he would practically shove his face in mine asking what is wrong? I exploded and told him I was sick and tired of him shoving his face in mine, after that when I looked away he no longer tried to manipulate me with eye contact.

However what gets to me is when he tries to invade my personal space by hugging me. Oh you are worried about the bills? Let me pay you back that money I owe you, but treat it like a favor I’m doing for you so I can hug you. Someone was being weird and making you uncomfortable, well let me now make you uncomfortable by hugging you and acting like I’m concerned even though you weren’t the only person that experienced it and really I should of just asked are you girls ok? Tired? Need a hug? Angry? Need a hug? You get the point, he’s just full of hugs for me. I constantly have my hand up in front of me protesting No! except for the few times he catches me off guard and grabs me.

Then there are the conversations, he overhears a subject and uses it as a Segway to talk about himself and his job, it can be other people talking to me and make a statement and he comes charging into the room asking about said subject while staring at me for the answer, and when we come home at night he never addresses my husband, I can’t begin to even count how much he says my name that I’m seriously considering changing it, things he can tell the room are never addressed to the room just me like how a husband goes onto his wife about<cringe>

Oh yes and more staring , like he keeps his eyes on his game console when friends and my husband enter the room, I walk in and his head about spins 360 to see what I’m doing. Even more upsetting is the times my husband and I bicker and I see him sitting in the floor in front of his game console and as I trail behind my husband bickering he looks up into my face grinning from ear to ear, something that most people would be to uncomfortable to be in the room to witness he is sheepishly grinning extra big at me and it annoys me, like he thinks he’s apart of some joke and really just seeing him smile like that makes me want to kick him in the face, like who looks either one of the people of that couple in the face and smiles while they argue with their spouse?

Then there is the creeping, like the floorboards in front of my door creak and you can hear him out my door. Then how he just knows things you said quietly in private, the only things he doesn’t know are the things we talk about when he’s not here. It’s mind boggling, but even worse of these offenses is if you looked in at the relationships as they are now you probably wouldn’t be able to tell my husband and him were once friends. You’d think the way he behaves towards me it was me he’s known all along. For example my birthday was last month and he asked me early on what I wanted for my birthday, my husbands birthday is tomorrow and he still has yet to acknowledge it. How is that for creep factor? However there is more to this story which will be in my next blog.