Anxiety set in and soon after evaporated like a ghost

Just a few days into the new year I noticed she took down her facebook profile. I texted her to see how she was. She told me “Not good, I think I need to be by myself for a long time!” I told her that I was sorry to hear that, that I loved her and to take care of herself. She texted back “I will, love you too.” then not one more word, I wanted to be supportive and let her know I cared and was there if she needed me, despite knowing we eventually needed to talk about what had happened between us I wanted her to know I cared.

Then after 2 text in the last few weeks with no response something pulled me to sign into my old facebook account that I never deactivated and search for her, there her profile was, she didn’t deactivate her account she blocked me and anyone close to me even mutual friends. My heart sank, she just wasn’t taking time to herself, she had ghosted our friendship and didn’t even tell me. I remember waking the next morning feeling like i had been stabbed in the heart. I poured over articles about friends that ghost, how to handle it, to understand and process my feelings.

From the articles I concluded ….

1. It says more about the person who ghosted you than it does you (they may be to immature to handle their feelings and have an adult conversation about them)
2. Don’t try to seek them out and ask why, it won’t make you feel any better.
3. They did you a favor (Do you really want to be friends with someone who can’t talk to you)

 

Once I realized I no longer had to have a conversation about the troubling things happening in our friendship my anxiety went away. As I contemplated all of it I began to realize I never wanted to be put in a position like this again. She placed such unhealthy expectations on me and our friendship became toxic because of it. I’m not sure if there was a better way I could of handled the boyfriend situation, I wanted to respect her relationship by not involving myself, but in the end she’d end up not respecting me for trying to stay out of it. Well it’s sad to no longer be friends, I feel like a weight was lifted, we may of not got exact closure or a dignified end to a friendship that has lasted for over half of our life’s , we no longer have to redefine or push something that was failing and causing pain.

Some close to me think she’ll come to her senses and not want to throw away a friendship that lasted so longer over a guy, none realizing it makes no difference what it was, it was the feelings that went with this whole last few months that ended and destroyed us, not the actual guy himself. I have no idea who she blames for what happened me, him or herself. I’d rather not know and just move on with my life learning from the experience. To this friend if I had to say anything I’d tell her our friendship was great for a long time and I’m grateful for that time and then I’d thank her for ghosting me, it was time for it to end and this way it ended with our own reasons that it needed to. I hope you don’t think of the last few months when you think of me because that isn’t how I want to think of you, you were so much more than these last few bad months and that is how I’d like to remember you.

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THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF A FRIENDSHIP THAT I THOUGHT WOULD LAST FOREVER ; PART 2

After the argument her online boyfriend and I had, dealing with his wanting to argue on my friends post, and him simply ignoring me after the argument I removed him from my facebook and honestly admitted to my friend that I didn’t see a friendship working out for him and I, that we clash to much and I’m just not comfortable with his icy response to our argument of ignoring me, that maybe it was better this way. I actually had to say that to her more than once as she seemed to not want to accept it and would try to find “common ground” for us to build a friendship and the only thing she could come up with disturbed me so much that I actually felt sick to my stomach…. she suggested we both had been sexually abused as kids on what we had in common.

I just couldn’t believe she went there, if that’s your winning argument then I guess I could be friends with at least a quarter of the world. It just made me feel ill that this was the straw she grasped at for me to continue to try and build a friendship with him. I tried to direct her to not focus on my feelings or opinion, by telling her all that matters is how you feel about your relationship with him. Each time I did it turned into “But I hoped we could all be friends!” I’d say I just don’t see that happening. It seemed that her time to hang out would often be interrupted by his video chats which she thought were fine to take because our show hadn’t started.

Then in the beginning of November  I was in a car accident, I suffered whiplash injuries and was sore, my car was totaled . I called Tonya as she was my closest friend, she came by after work to run me to get my prescription filled and to be supportive, after an hour of being there her boyfriend called and she went off by herself to converse with him. Then was starting to become routine for her. Two weeks after my accident was when this whole thing came to  a head. We enjoyed dinner and she decided to go for the evening walk we always take, due to my injuries I wasn’t able to join her. She comes back and while I was mid sentence talking to her , he called and she picked up walking away from me without saying a word and didn’t return for an hour later.

When she returned she just chattered at me about him and when she saw I wasn’t responding she said in her really cocky voice “is there a problem?” as if to call me out and here was that moment that it just didn’t matter what I would say, she had decided that if there was the problem must be me. I tried my best not to be critical and just explain that I felt hurt and like she really didn’t want to spend time together. She stood and began screaming at me that she didn’t appreciate that night I intruded on their conversation and was angry that I never apologized. I just stared at her puzzled and confused as she grabbed her purse and stormed out the door.

I eventually emailed her and told her i felt like she had things she wasn’t saying and that had she not believed or accepted my apology or wanted other issues addressed she should of said it then instead of holding onto it and making me think we were fine. After a week of not talking she finally emailed me claiming she felt suffocated in our friendship and needed time to herself and even criticized me for intruding on a conversation with her guest (in my home) and said she lost all respect for me. she claimed to love and care about me and say this was all she felt like saying at this time, however turned it into sounding like our relationship as friends was over as she asked to come get things of hers she left at my house and I asked her to return the key to my home. I didn’t even care to respond to the things she thought I was or had done, I was just so mentally and physically exhausted, not just by her drama with me, but still trying to recoup from my accident, going to doctors appointments, and trying to manage my pain.

The Next day she emailed saying she felt confused and didn’t like the way this had ended asking if we could compromise. We tried to keep that line of communication open, but I could tell it just wasn’t the same. I’d tell her something my doctors said about my injuries and she’d respond with “how terrible for you!” Not her usual warm demeanor where she’d say something like I’ll pray for you to be healed. We got together for going to look at Christmas lights, but it just felt awkward.

Right after Christmas she realized the guy she pushed me so hard to like ghosted her. He blocked her from contacting him without even an explanation why. In her talk with me she thanked me for never giving up on her and just how she wants to see the good in everyone and how she can now see why I don’t like him. I had nothing to say to that. She started talking about wanting to take a road trip as if that could repair the damage this relationship had done.

The Beginning of the end of a friendship that I thought would last forever ; part 1

It seems life will be going fine and then something unexpected happens that leads me back here to share in my experience, to process it, and dust it off as some crappy piece of advice to maybe help someone else going through the experience I am find some resolve in their own situation as well.

The friendship I speak of is one that started when I was just a kid in a first grade class, I met a rather shy and timid girl who’s name I will change to Tonya for my story. She was being bullied by a rather mean and aggressive boy when I met her and I stuck up for her. Our friendship however didn’t flourish until years later after moving to a different school zone and fate bringing us back together when we all were shipped to the same middle school. A friend I had stayed connected to from my old elementary school reconnected us, Tonya was still the shy and timid girl I remember her to be which is why the girl who introduced us probably kept her in her friend circular, we’ll call her Kate for the interest of saving time.

Kate would be a friendship that would prove to be toxic for both Tonya and myself which is what lead to us forming such a strong friendship. Once we reached Jr. High we were no longer friends with Kate, she got held back a grade and had mental health issues that made her rather abusive so we were relieved when she wasn’t coming with us to Jr. High. Tonya and I slowly began building a strong friendship that would follow us through the many ages and stages of our lives. So if someone told me one day it won’t be like this I would of never believed them, I just felt like we really got each other and that there was nothing that we couldn’t survive….. I was so wrong.

Tonya began to date….You probably think what’s the big deal everyone does and maybe it’s even about Time since she is nearly reaching 40? The problem is she just seemed to have no ability to find a healthy adult relationship. Here 1st boyfriend was about a year ago and from the get go i recognized some rather toxic behavior on his part and she let him manipulate her. I would see her jump and scramble to answer the phone each time he called, she admitted to how angry he would be if she didn’t and would even threaten their relationship saying he’d just start seeing other girls. The biggest red flag for me that she expressed was he always insisted on drinking before they had sex, he liked to try and get them both good and drunk before sex. I can remember a few incidents where she found herself stranded at his house while he insulted her or she then regretted her choice to go over there and called me to come get her. I’d try to have the conversation about maybe he’s not the right guy for you and I see you getting hurt, be careful talk. Which only lead to her being shut off and when she finally knew it was over sobbing that she didn’t tell me because she thought I’d be disappointed and me trying to reassure her I only said what I did because I didn’t want to see her hurt.

Then she’d swear off men, say how she hates dating, that there is nothing, but a bunch of toxic jerks out there and she began to focus on her job and relationships with her family and friends. Then there was a new guy she met online on a page that she liked on facebook, he sent her a friend request and began to video chat her. After a post of hers that we both commented and began to chat he also sent me a friend request, I accepted it and after awhile it wasn’t long before him and I began to bump heads. Once facebook changed settings to allow all your friends to see post you commented on from other friends who they might not even be friends with things kind of got sour. I had commented on a friends post and he began to try and argue with my friend on her post.

 

My friend was over quiet frequently as we enjoyed taking evening walks and watching some of the same shows together, soon enough that time would get interrupted by his phone calls, she’d try to turn it into a group discussion so she could take his calls and after a while it’d get to where you just didn’t want to be a part of it . On one particular night i remember being off in the distance doing a chore while she took his video call and he said something I found offensive, I didn’t need to say anything to him, but since I muttered oh you’ve got to be kidding me what a repugnant statement, Tonya announced to the guy I heard him and kept repeating it for effect as if she was egging me on to add to the conversation. It ended with me walking off as we both were shouting at each other. I later regretted getting involved and apologized for doing so. My friend told me how much she appreciated it, but her appreciation was only superficial as the only way she would be satisfied with my apology is if I was absolutely willing to be his friend.

 

 

Called to light and Mr.A hides

Maybe my tactics of weaning him off of me are working? I do know he tries to get more creative with his need to have my attention when his usual methods don’t work. Our communication has finally drifted into once every  two weeks when he gets paid and I collect rent from him. I think the final thing that caved his house of cards is me finally having enough and verbally putting him on the spot in front of the others he purposely ignores.

It was the day after our concert, we were home, not feeling entirely enthused to get back to home life as I was still exhausted from the concert we decided to go out to eat, my husband, my best friend, and I came down the stares to Mr.A reclining on the couch, he waited for my husband to exit the room before asking how I liked the concert (he never asks the group that all went how we liked something, just me) so I say “Don’t you mean “we”, how did “we” like the concert?” and then say to my friend and husband “how did “we” like the concert?” My friend and husband piped up about what a great time they had well I stood silent, panic flushed over his face once he realized I was on to how he often doesn’t include others in the house.

The weeks that followed have been met with no longer engaging me when I am with a person he choses to ignore which has restricted him to only talking to me on pay day. As these interactions transpire where he has the full benefit of my individual time for about 15 mins he now is speaking over my radio. He likes to brag about himself in this time and has even quit pretending that he cares how my day is as he no longer ask how I am, just how he is the best sales person at his store and when their district manager is expected to be there. I say nothing, let the radio blare on and kind of hibernate in my mind , to tired to even acknowledge much of what he says. Ironically he can speak for hours about the job he’s found, but says nothing about the fact that he’s dating.

To me it seems kind of crazy that he thinks he can hide that fact, I can feel when a person is different and notice things, so I’ve noticed his changed behaviors before I had it confirmed that he is in fact dating. For someone that boasts about all the women that flirt with him it seems funny that he would finally start dating in the weeks that followed my verbal reprimand and for the first time it’s the first female he’s met where he didn’t insist on us talking as if he was expecting my approval of her. Which I have seen her page and from what I gather they are in the first month and there doesn’t seem to be a honey moon phase, she has posted things that suggest she isn’t sure if she is being played and he never responds to her tags unless it gives him a chance to brag.

For my sake I hope it works out because I am hoping he’ll quit zeroing in on me. I decided despite my awareness I will say nothing to him because I’m sure any mention of such will suddenly make him think you care, which my own reason for caring is to feel less engulfed by him, it’s a relief to see some effort to move on even if superficial.

Breaking away from Mr.A

The little games he likes to play hoping you’ll question him, that you’ll be intrigued, or at the very least he can try to manipulate you with. I honestly don’t know how Mr.A has so many people fooled into being a culpable adult who can hold down a management position, in two years he went from freeloader slacker to helping run a small store. I’m sure he is good at his job, these cluster b’s especially sociopaths excel quiet well in their jobs. However I wonder how they hired a person who doesn’t have a driver license for a position that he would be required to travel occasionally for important meetings and make bank deposits for the company.

I recall one night he texted me for a ride to the bank so he could make a deposit for his company, when I arrived, he fumbled around in his place of business and came out 10 minutes after the place was suppose to close telling me how a customer came in as the store was about to close and it’d be a half hour before he would be done, no apology for my effort of coming just said you can go now I’ll just walk. I honestly should of pulled out of the parking lot, but I saw the sky was ready to dump so I stayed. When he was done and came out, he got in the car, no thank you for waiting, as we drove to the bank he rambled on about an expensive 100k car he wanted, to me this is funny yet insulting, you are not paying me for my gas or time to give you a ride, you are not thanking me for helping you, he also wants a 100k car which to finance would probably cost him more than what he pays a month in rent, can’t even save money, heck he hasn’t even finished paying off his last mode of transportation (a bike which got stolen) because he leased it and he’d rather pay $20 a pay period then pay the 3 installment payments of $40 to be done with it.

He spoke of contributing more to expenses for things as groceries as before he barely made enough to survive and we helped greatly with making sure he got fed. Nothing has changed, all talk, which with most cluster b’s it is always just talk, so you’ll be dazzled by them. Besides where else could you live where you get Rent, water, electric, internet, groceries, no not just groceries, home cooked meals and the occasional ride for $600 a month, would you believe he thought that was to much, he tried to get away with $300. I’ve gotten where I don’t even see the point in providing home cooked meals as the first week of payday he dines out every night until he is to broke to do so, he usually will chow down on the saved plate of food for breakfast, so why cook for him especially when he does these stupid little happy dances thinking he must be special cause I cooked one of his favorite meals. All his crazy games he plays like refusing to put the scoop for the coffee in the container and insist hooking it onto the machine, so when I break the hook so he can’t hang it on the machine, he quits drinking, as if to protest, but occasionally he does drink it and adds it to the grocery list like I don’t know it’s low ( and yes I do know he isn’t drinking coffee at home as much as a can of coffee used to last only 3 weeks and now it last me 2 months).

Everything is a game, hoping I’ll ask questions, but I don’t because I don’t want to. The best part is knowing we both shift behind the silence with our own agenda, he doesn’t ask questions either, which gives me the option to reduce my contact, my efforts, and preserve my energy. I haven’t made him a home cooked meal in nearly 3 weeks, from now on it’s his favorite ramen, cereal, access to milk, and tv dinners. It saves me time, money, and energy as some nights I make a dinner for two for my husband and I and something simple for my son. I hope with the changes he begins to realize the context of our relationship has changed and we can transition to more of a flat mate relationship (I hate the Americanized word room mate because it sounds like you share a room…creepy). I can only hope it encourages him to move out on his own and he no longer sees me as supply. I don’t know how it will effect him, but one thing is for certain it feels good to cut the cord, I’m freeing myself from his sociopathic control and game plays a little more as we go along.

The missed confession

There have been many times among asking Mr.A to join us for family get together that I missed what he truly was saying because his excuse for not coming is he doesn’t like being around large groups of people that he has antisocial personality disorder. Do any of you know what that is? I didn’t know at the time, but along my research I have learned it’s just a nicer way of saying sociopath. A sociopath has disregard for, or violates, the rights of others. They don’t follow social norms and really don’t care anything about you, they just use you to fill their own selfish needs.

Had I known what this was like a decade ago I would of ran when he first told me. It explains all the times he said so to me when I asked for him to please not share his story, the times he ignored my best friends tears and continued to talk about himself, the stories of violence, the manipulative starring he does, honestly just everything about him. It’s just recent that I figured it out, as I struggle with people who are hurtful I tend to study their behavior in depth, it’s how I learn what I’m dealing with and how to recognize it if I should encounter it again. Sociopaths are far more insidious that your run of the mill narcissist, most of them can’t even  pretend to show interest unless they know it’s something they can manipulate you with

So he told me in complete honesty what was wrong with him and I missed it because I didn’t know it meant sociopath. , sociopath stare is often how they manipulate their prey, I strongly suggest you google it. While the typical symptoms may include (according to the mayo clinic):

Disregard for right and wrong
Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others
Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others
Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure
Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated
Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior
Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty
Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead
Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence
Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others
Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others
Poor or abusive relationships
Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them
Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations

Which I hate to say it, but each personality disorder in the cluster b seems very likely to overlap the other. It’s definitely heartbreaking to know he has no regard for others, but the only bright side to dealing with this cluster b (from my experience which will be different for each of you based on situation) with my particular situation is he has no control in this home or over me, I am no longer a friend, I just take care of the obligations of the home and have reduced most of my interaction with him to mere passing’s and payday run to the bank to receive his end of the financial obligation. If you have one of these types in your life, if you can get rid of him quickly, if you can’t then start researching strategies on how to deal with a sociopath, but mostly you’ll read to get as far away from this person as possible.

The Trickster

What’s the most insidious thing he has ever done? He convinced my best friend that he was a nice guy. My friend had forgotten about my general annoyance and grievances with him and began to assume he must be ok if he was living with us. Well at the time he seemed like a redeeming guy when he helped around the house when my husband was in the hospital and walked with him at night so I could get some rest. He even tried acting like my gay best friend, except for he wasn’t gay, like that time of the month he was like your designated bff to eat pizza, chocolate and watch movies with.

What girl wouldn’t like the sound of a guy who is supportive of your vegetative state? Not to mention need I remind you how charming they are in the beginning and can love bomb you. When my friend let down her guard it was before we truly understood what he was and all the realms of cluster B personality disorders. She fell for it and all that day I sensed something was a brewing as I noticed them quietly talking among themselves, as I became more perplexed feeling paranoid that they weren’t telling me something, I didn’t find out until the next day when all was revealed, I felt sick cause I definitely didn’t think he deserved her, that he was an asshole, and feared telling her the truth that I don’t even think she should give him a chance. I’ve had friends accuse me of not wanting them to be happy when I expressed concern, I didn’t want her to think I was telling her what to do.

Fast forward to now and you’d never be able to guess that they once tried being a couple, there is no awkwardness because of them, only the way he is towards me. Now as I look back and try to theorize why he went after her? I can’t help but feel it was a great supply, my empathetic friend who’s emotions he could manipulate in either to make her cry or feel sorry for him. He made her his flying monkey telling her the horrors from his childhood so when I reached my breaking point and wanted him  to leave she’d pled with me to reconsider. The reason he is still here is because of the empathy she felt for him and the guilt I felt like I was somehow wrong for kicking him to the curb.

It was his complete disrespect for her that lead to their relationship ending, I was grateful it wasn’t volatile, I was scared that if it ended badly it would forever effect the way our friendship progressed, that my friend may never come over to my house again. It was ended by her without a fight, as she began to learn with me about personality disorders she began to highlight things she now sees as alarming and wish she had known then what he was now so she could of warned me.

She said there were times she’d ask him to take it easy on me as I was already under a lot of stress, she said he would chuckle like he was delighted with a grin on his face kind of shaking his head no and each time she asked he’d do it. One time she asked to watch a show with him, something we were all into and he shut her down completely telling her he only watches it with me.

However when things were back to normal, he would invade our girl time insisting on watching our chick flick movie with us and then acting out so to ruin our girls night. One night he did that and I stormed off, I told him I couldn’t stand the sight of him and was going to my room, he refused to leave me alone for a good half hour knocking and demanding I talk to him, I told him I didn’t want to talk. He then closed himself in the bathroom crying hysterically, my friend when returning from her walk tried to go in to see if he was ok, he wouldn’t let her in and nearly slammed the door on her fingers, she came and got me cause she was concerned, I really didn’t want to go see what the matter was I already felt so manipulated. I went and with the first word I said the door magically opened and he let us in, I felt the need to keep reintegrating I had a right to be mad, like I was supposed to apologize for getting mad that he violated my boundaries and tried to manipulate my emotions? I felt like that whole night was one big manipulation. There would be more, but he would no longer trick me with I’ll get help just so he could get me to hug him.

Now her and I both know what he is, he got to trick her like he tricked me. I vowed to her I’d be up front with her because I now know she values my opinion and knows I wouldn’t say it unless there was a reason. She promised to do the same, now that we know what they are we don’t let one slide by without sounding the alarm for the other.