All posts for the month January, 2013

Difficult choices lye ahead when her only problem isn’t being the narcassistic engulfing mother, but addiction too

Published January 26, 2013 by PeachyKeene

Since my mother in-laws visit things have been getting progressively worse with my mom. She excessively emails my entire family (trying to insist I am the bad one who needs to be punished), leaving things in my vehicle for my son (made the mistake of once not checking to make sure our suv was locked), has drove past places she thinks I might be, photographs my vehicle and post it to Facebook, and the other day one of her calls slipped past the hang up feature and gave her voice mail where she left me a message where she sounded intoxicated and wanted to know if I love her or not?

Everything she does I report it to police because my hope has been that I will get a restraining order, some form of legal notice telling her to stay away or she is indefinitely going to be in trouble with the law. However with police involvement, the issue is becoming do I want to press charges or not. They are even very aware of her substance abuse problem and have suggested the marchman act. The marchman act is a great little court order that requires they get help, no excuses, and if they don’t they can have sanctions placed on them by the court, the only way to get the court off your back is to complete the program. This is a great idea for those who always had the warm loving and fuzzy relationship with this person prior to alcohol. If prior to alcohol you dealt with someone who’s behavior is now more amplified by the alcohol and you already know alcohol or not you don’t want a relationship the marchman act may not be for you.

There are loop holes in not having to participate, they can hire an attorney to fight it and they can move out of county which means the marchman act no longer applies. Not to mention the person that enacts this on you has to be an active participant in making sure you get treatment. Yet again something I must give up to make her life better. I really don’t like seeming like I am being selfish, but I meant what I said about not wanting to be a part of her life anymore. I think back to when she was sober before alcohol was involved and she was pretty bad back then, but alcohol has made it worse. I try to think back on what led her down this path, how her own life got misconstrued, realize I don’t believe in blaming other people for a persons problems, I can say it was an influencing factor however you are the only person with the capabilities to decide for yourself.

I really think this all began when I moved away to new york for a year, while living in the big city my mother would call me to tell me about the men she was dating, even I could see through their games of wanting to use you for sex and would try to for worn my mother not to fall for their lines, however I think all she wanted was for someone to love her, then she met the man she would spend the next 8 years of her life having a rocky relationship. When I came back to florida, the first place my mom took me out to was a bar, I thought nothing of it, That is also where she met her boyfriend.

I don’t think I realized she was falling into a bottle and didn’t see any signs until a year after my return. It was my son’s 6th birthday and I decided to take him to Seaworld. Well Seaworld has an amheiser busch complimentary beer house with their maximum of what they give every person being 2 beers, however they don’t enter your name and birthdate into a computer to mark that you already had your 2 beers it is based purely on an honor system. I had no interest in drinking, I can’t even stand the taste of beer, however as I sat with my mom and my friend, my friend enjoyed her 2 complementary beers while my mother tossed back a total of 8 in an hours time, she was now giddy, acting like a child wanting her photos snapped at every photo-op place in the park and insisting she could drive if I didn’t feel up to it persisting she wasn’t drunk when I told her she was too drunk to drive and to cut her off on the driving issue used the excuse I was the only one that hadn’t had a drink so I should drive. Their was my first sign and I didn’t even realize it, I just thought she was really enjoying herself.

Then I met my future husband, he was a good man who would do anything for me, normally I wouldn’t jump the gun on moving in with someone I am dating, but I think it’s true you just know when you have met the right person, he was the first of any of my boyfriends I lived with. My mom had heard the barnium and Bailey circus was coming to the area and bought tickets to take my son, I stayed at home and my boyfriend was working. We were having automotive problems, so my boyfriend would have had to walk home however when my mom called to say she was on her way home she told me she could go pick him up. Later when they got home, I tucked my son into bed and my boyfriend turned to me and said please don’t let your son in the car with them ever again and don’t you ride with them, if you ever need a ride call someone in my family. I looked at him bewildered and asked why? That is when he told me she was drinking and driving, the only reason he didn’t get out of the car was because he didn’t want to leave my son behind, I didn’t distrust what he told me, I just had a hard time believing it. She use to never behave that way.

Since being involved with the police reporting her harassing behavior, my first initial complaint the police officer offered to call and speak with her and got her to agree that any future interaction she had with me would involve law enforcement, that she needs a police officer to stand by that I did not want her entering my vehicle or stopping by without law enforcement, she agreed however moments after me leaving she tried to call me 4 times. When I came back to the police station to file other grievances with her, I spoke to the same police officer as before and she told me my mother called back later that day after my first complaint not even remembering that she spoke to her, which the officer spoke with the detective about my case as well. When you are dealing with an engulfing mother with addiction problems you are often left with difficult decisions do you go back and get sucked into her problems as you try to seek her help, do you press charges on her and hope that her time in jail also serves as a point of clarity and she will sober up ( she also could end up not going to jail so there is no sure way that this will save her from herself, but it might ensure she gets the message to leave you alone.), or do you do the normal things of going no contact i.e. change your phone number and move then hope one day she doesn’t spot you and follow you to your home?

I don’t want to go back, if I purely thought all of her behavior was the alcohol I would, but I know it’s not. I don’t want to press charges on my mom, but I think even with me changing my number and address she will try her hardest to locate me to continue the harassment, also there is a small chance with it could come the help she needs if I do press charges. However I have to decide what gets me back on my path to the life I deserve to have. I have to be less concerned with her because if I devote my actions to what is in her best interest and not mine I already have let her win again.


When ending your relationship has to be done through a legal outlet

Published January 16, 2013 by PeachyKeene

The first few days into my mother in-laws visit have been quiet stressful because of my Narcissistic mother. Apparently my mother isn’t handling my choice to be no contact with her very well. Since the day my mother in law was slated to arrive, I have had almost daily interaction with the local police department over her accusation that I have a safe that belonged to her. Though true I once held it for her, it was returned to her 6 months ago. It was troubling for me to realize she was making this accusation as if she was dead set on ruining my life because I wouldn’t tolerate her narcissistic behavior.

I fully cooperated with police, allowed them into my home, and signed a statement. 2 days later a detective with the police followed up, it was then I realized how serious she was about wanting to hurt me and that the only logical thing to do was to obtain a restraining order, so any following act that she did that was found to be without merit would be simply seen as harassment and possibly pursued in a court of law if need be. I find it unfortant that it has come to this, but feel in the long run it will give me peace of mind and hopefully will deter her from harassing me.

When speaking with the detective it was very apparent he was just following protocol though he felt her accusations were false, he asked I won’t find any of her things in pawn shops or sold on craigs list by you or your husband? I assured him he wouldn’t. He then asked me does your mother drink? I told him yes she does, it is part of the reason why I will not have contact with her, she has done things like drink and drive with my son and husband in the car with her. I told him in fact I suspect that she does more than drink, I think she might be on drugs. He asked me what makes you think that? I told him besides her behavior, she is in a relationship with someone who has been arrested for drug possession. He asked is she with him now? I said yes, she took him back after he got out of prison. He asked for his name which I provided, then told me about my mother ranting on the phone to him.

She actually told the detective that my husband and I were going to kill her, I assured him all I want is for her to leave my family alone, all she has done is argue with me since my husband’s accident, and harassed me when I told her to stay away, I think if anything our only concern has been to get my husband feeling better. He then assured me I will have nothing to worry about or to be bothered again with this accusation unless they find any of her items sold in a pawn shop by my husband and I. With this whole incident I found there is no way of breaking clean from a person like her without a little legal action. Apparently what I read about the engulfing mother is true, it almost always ends in obtaining a legal barring/ restraining order. Which let me say isn’t as easy unless you have documented proof of her harassing and specifically state you fear for your life.

Sometimes your narcissist shows people what they first failed to understand

Published January 13, 2013 by PeachyKeene

Yesterday right as I just got done posting my blog I heard a knock at the door and peeped through the hole and saw an officer of the law. A little surprised I answered the door and as soon as I opened it my mom stepped into view she had hidden off to the side. She continued to persist I had things belonging to her and said she wanted to bring us christmas gifts. I told her I don’t have anything of yours, I don’t want anything from you, you need to leave. She tried with all her might to get me to engage in a conversation with her, but I kept repeating myself. The officer said to her I can’t enter her residence and you have been asked to leave so we now must go. Which let me say that had me just a little rattled as I was trying to accomplish a few things as we were planning to go pick up my husband’s mom from the airport, it was going to be her first time seeing her son alert and awake since the accident.

As we sat down for lunch about 1:30pm, his mother phones us before she is about to board the plane and tells us my mother is now sending her messages on Facebook, she says they are very long-winded and she has no interest in even trying to read them let alone based on everything she has witnessed from my mom there never would be a way she would side with her. Three and a half hours later we had a very warm reunion with her and as we were leaving the airport, she looked at her messages on Facebook my mother in her three and a half hour flight sent her 13 more long-winded messages, which made her question what is wrong with her?

So there it opened the dialog I wanted her to understand so long ago when I first decided to go no contact, she now was witnessing first hand my mom’s narcissistic rage and wanting my husband’s mom to join her in telling me and whoever else who sided with me they were wrong. In many of her rants not only did she discuss her problems with me, but also with my husband’s aunt as my husband’s aunt refused to participate in her grievance with me. The family as a whole discussed we know you had problems in your past, who hasn’t, I could care less if you murdered someone when you were 19 that isn’t who you are now, we love you, you are a great person. At this juncture it has been decided that they plan to block her on Facebook and refuse to participate in her tirades.

I got to explain in detail what a narcissist is, that it is a unfixable personality disorder, I either spend my whole life guarding who I let around her, what I say, and  knowing every major life event I have she will be jealous and want to steal the spot light, she will try to ruin any future opportunities I have by talking bad about me to the person who offers me the opportunity. So I decided my life is better without her, I said I know you think it’s easy as pie to just be over it, but that isn’t so she has emotionally terrorized me most of my life and I am still trying to heal. My husband capped with his mother her intense jealously over our relationship where we can’t say I love you without wanting us to tell her she is loved as well, that she tried to stop us from getting married when I didn’t do as my mom said about calling off the wedding she called dcf on us, and she spends a lot of her time trying to tell us stories about the other hoping to pit us against each other. That she is a bully and all she wants is me to herself so she has an endless supply of being cruel and saying hurtful things.

We discussed many key points in the troubles my mom has and none of these things are fixable and how I can anticipate she will never forgive some of the things I did though I paid her back, apologized, and set out to be a better person because she has a wrap sheet on everyone, no one is allowed the chance to start over she carries things with her forever. I think as we discussed these things with my husband’s mom she realized why I made the decision I had and that it’s one my mother will try to ensue that I suffer from. We won’t let this ruin my husband’s moms visit, if anything it helped her see what others already have known for a while. She said she already had a sense of how unmotherly my mom was by the things she witnessed, but she just had no idea how truly bad it was.

In time your N. will reveal herself to those who are more deeply connected to you, those who see to meet her demands I think you are going to have no choice to cut ties with them and view them as toxic people as well.

Jealously and Guilt, who will I be and who I use to be.

Published January 11, 2013 by PeachyKeene

With realizing you will never have the mom you wished for in your own mom, you start to resent the sappy relationships on tv and in movies that show mom and daughter as best friends. You look around and you see other women with mom’s who just love their daughters and are being kind to them and you are reminded of the void you feel. Which don’t get me wrong I think it’s wonderful they have this relationship I wouldn’t wish this painful void on anyone. However it almost makes you want to ask the nice motherly figures in your life will you be my mom and if they said yes lay your head down in their lap and let them stroke your hair and tell you that part of your life of hurting is over.

I have many who would give me motherly love and would take on my relationship as mother and daughter as a blessing i.e. my step mom who I’ve had the pleasure of having in my life for a little over 10 years now. However the guilt I’d feel as if replacing my own mom and more so using my step mom for my own selfish needs makes me feel hollow. I don’t think I am ready for someone to fill her shoes especially better than she would fill them. However I let go of the notion of unfit jealously from my mother where I felt like she was going to strike me down for giving anyone recognition in my  life that they mean more to me than I ever did say. Instead of saying I am going to my dad’s and(my step mom’s name) I now say parents, if I said that before my mom would fly off into a rage, but I’ll be honest she has fit the role of a parent well.

I lived in my parents home when I returned from  a short stint of living in new york, it really helped for me to get to know my step mom as I was in my early 20’s when she married my father. Which honestly I got a sense of a warm loving environment when living there, at one time I moved out feeling depressed over certain things some I could explain and some I couldn’t. I was living on my own with my son and just being on our own I had this hallowed out shell of me where I was realizing there was something missing. My mother stood in my door way getting ready to leave after stopping by briefly and I said to her I feel like there is something wrong with me and I need help. My mother shrugged at me and said well when you get insurance go see a doctor which that would be another 2 months before I had insurance. So I was left alone to struggle with my emptiness and pain.

I did things I wasn’t proud of, I still feel shame over them, and I am not sure who I was trying to punish myself or her. I tried to fill the void I felt with buying myself stuff, buying gifts for others thinking that they would in deed love me then, and I went to town with my mother’s charge card. When she found out you could just imagine the rage she felt, my mother told me I would pay every dime I owe her until I did my son was going to stay with her, she said she’d spare me going to prison if I paid her back, but I was to accept all the possible overtime I could get and the only thing I would know was work and sleep until every last dime was paid. The only reason she didn’t have me locked up is because she knew I would send my son to live with my father and she’d have no one to manipulate.

The day I got confronted, I left my grandmother’s home with an even bigger void, no one cared or wondered if there was a more serious problem, as the days wore on, I began to feel more hopeless, depressed I just wanted an easy out, I was faced with passing my mom at work which just made the feeling worse. I eventually came to the end of my rope where I felt hopeless and as if life would never be better and contemplated killing myself. My mother called my father to tell him all the things I had done and said she is your daughter you do something about her all i know is if she doesn’t want to go to prison she better pay me back. My father asked me to come by his home, expecting him to be angry as well was surprised to see he was just concerned like he knew something was wrong, I admitted to my depression, suicidal thoughts, and hopelessly missing my child. He showed me what it meant to love unconditionally, they told me we’ll get you the help you need and demanded my mother return my son or he’d call the cops on her for kidnapping and he let her know his disgust over knowing your child is depressed and not getting her help. She of course tried to play she didn’t know and wanted to help.

Her idea of help is seriously misconstrued, she basically tagged along so she could steal my cell phone, call all our coworkers to tell them about me, and told my step mom stories about how I’ve always wanted all her boyfriends. When at the hospital my step mom got confused by medical staff to be my mom and they thought my mom was my step mother. My step mother hugged me and told me it was going to be better, while my mother insisted telling all the medical staff what a horrible person I am for what I did to her. In the days that followed my mom would phone the hospital just to argue, I blocked her from coming, and notorized a note for my parents to be primary caretakers of my son while I received help. When out I did work hard to pay my mom back, was going to counseling, which all of what I tried to do to make up for my mistake was overlooked she enjoyed too much making the wounds deeper. She thought my parents should treat me like a small child being grounded, i.e. go to bed early, no friends, no phone calls, just lay the law down to me.

My father refused told her it was his home, he will not do that and if anything I needed lots of loving supportive people. it got to where I wasn’t speaking to my mother’s family because none cared that I was depressed, their concern was how could they control me. One of the days she thought she could try to execute control over my life she showed up at the front door knocking, when no one answered the door she circulated the whole perimeter of our home banging on windows and was enraged when the cops were phoned insisting she was invited over there so my step mother could call the cops. I couldn’t get her to see that if she would have just went away when no one answered the door she wouldn’t have had a problem.

My mother keeps this  story banked in her memory of something to continually remind me of, it doesn’t matter that I paid her back, went through therapy to be a better person, and am not that person now. However her exaggerated version is I ran up 3 times the amount that I did, I never paid her back she just got done paying it off which it prevented her from being able to put a down payment on a house. When I went no contact with her she threaten to have me thrown into prison and tells others she should have done that in the first place because then it would be me begging to see my son not her. Before meeting my husband I was on a very self-destructive path, it was like he instantly knew it wasn’t really me that had the problems it was my mother, he is supportive and when I was still stumbling along trying to be better he recognized me, was there for me and never have I felt more loved. I’d like to think it was divine intervention.

Since meeting my husband, going through therapy, and changing the routine in my life I have found happiness for myself, self fulfillment. Which when my husband had his accident I think my mother thought of it as her opportunity to bring back the decay she fills my life with, she wants me to continue feeling rotten and unworthy, the only reason they aren’t as bad as they normally are is because they know he is watching them. However the experience with my husband had shown me I can never rely on them to understand, to always push and I don’t have the patience to babysit emotions and bad behavior especially through such a traumatic event. Which I can never expect my mom to forgive me for my past, if she hasn’t gotten over anything that has happened to her in life she won’t even forgive this, no matter what I try to rectify, no matter how many times I said sorry and truly meant it.

My husband tries to console the void I feel in these absent relationships by telling me I have his mom and his grandparents and that they love me, but it still never makes up for that feeling of never being good enough for the people who are supposed to love you. Will I ever find someone who I can love like a mom and she will love me just the same without feeling like I am living a lie? Is it ok to let go of what you don’t have with one person and try to find it with someone else? I have been contemplating a mother daughter lunch with my step mom, maybe  have her come this way so we can get chinese cause I am the only other person that eats it in her family and I know of a great chinese restraunt. I know in time I will figure this out, but to me the key is not to rush it because like in any other relationship you don’t want to lead a person on and set them up for hurt later and I am still trying to heal.

The myth of motherly love

Published January 10, 2013 by PeachyKeene

It’s hard for some to accept that there are mothers out there that don’t love their children. That their characteristic flaws prevent them from doing so. Which if there are mothers that leave their children, why would it be so hard to imagine ones that stay and resent them? In fact a lot of us who were born to these mothers with characteristic flaws where we felt worthless because of our mothers wish she would have left so we could be raised by people who would love us unconditionally. Some will never know the hell of never being good enough for a woman who is projected as an angel placed on earth to care for us, who just lacks the ability to love anyone else. below I am going to show a list of narcissistic traits and try to give you examples of them in a parent-child relationship.


Self absorbed She will call you to discuss her problems, everything is about her, if you try to discuss anything in your life she will cut you off, interupt or ignore you.

authoritarian Easiest way to put this is she will always coin the phrase that she is your mother so how dare you challenge her. In fact before I went no contact with her she was wanting to fight with me over my no contact with my narcissistic grandmother, when I refused to do as she said she posted on Facebook for everyone to read I am your superior, I am mother superior and if you don’t do as I say well then your mother f***ing pissing me off.

Knows it all my mother assumes to know all  when it comes to god, she thinks she is enlighten and has been touched after having a death experience more than once(yes she really did I can vouge for that much that she nearly died more than once) She thinks I am unforgiving because I don’t want to have a relationship with all the people I use to know when I was younger not just family, but friends to, she can’t grasp that some people just move on from things wishing no ill will to the person but want something different for their life so she tells me I am going to hell. She assumes to know what all my problems are. Even that my great-grandmother who passed away last year was with my husband when he got in an accident and nearly died.

Negative- I think this is pretty self explanatory. However imagine you’re in love, you met the man of your dreams and he ask you to marry him. You call your family to tell them the good news, when you tell your mom all she can say is “How can he afford a ring?”

Highly critical of others- She is often critical about my weight, she can not let a time when I am in her presence go without letting me know I am fat and sometimes even when I am just on the phone with her. For my last birthday we had shopping and lunch plans, she actually squeezed my belly fat after starring me up and down for about 2 minutes and then when out discouraged me from getting the shirts she said she’d buy me saying they make me look fatter than I am, bought me some dresses instead and as paying for them said she wanted to be able to borrow them.

Likes to yell- If she feels she isn’t the center of attention she will begin to argue and yell at people. Sometimes when instigating an argument with others she will be on the phone with me so I can hear her yelling at others, if I don’t do as she says she begins to yell.

Secretive- my mother will often lie to cover up the things she doesn’t want me to know, like tell me the doctor put her on meds for her bipolar disorder when he didn’t or try to hide how much of a drinking problem she has however buys her beer from the store my husband works at.

Possessively close to the child It is no secret that my mother wants her relationship with me to be the only relationship I have. My whole life I have dealt with her lying, manipulating, and being intrusive. My mother worked a lot when I was in high school she liked getting big fat paychecks with lots of overtime on it so I often was left to care for myself as I refused to stay with her mom told her I would go live with my dad first. I turned to others for that sense of family so I didn’t have to be alone all the time, made my own plans, well one day as I stood in the drive of the family I babysat for preparing to take the little girl I watched to a movie she wanted to see and her mom didn’t (thought of her as my kid sister and loved spending time with her) my mom pulls up says she has the night off and I am to spend it with her, I was upset cause she didnt even tell me and of course she threw in they’re not your family I am now get in the car, the girl’s mother said it’s ok I understand and I left with my mom. However my mom just makes it apparent that she doesn’t want me to get close to anyone and will often lie about the person who is getting close to me hoping this tactic will make me back away from the relationship.

Cunning/Manipulative/exploitive-  my mother often will bring up my history to achieve things she wants often it is to achieve separating me from those I have gotten close with, she likes to talk about it in a setting where they are likely to walk up and she can try to expose me as a fraud or when she is angry with me not doing as she wants to tries to run off and tell the people who love me that basically I am not worthy of them loving me cause look at how I am and what I have done. When I became a part of my husband’s family I was recovering from self-destructive behavior and had been in counseling.Knowing what I know about my mom I knew it was only a matter of time before she went off to tell them about who I was, so I told them things that could have very well just been stuff I only shared with my husband, his aunt that lives in the same town as us told me who cares that isn’t who you are now, we love you. Which when I went no contact my mother in deed did tell my husband’s aunt about my past exaggerating most of the details.

Stingy- My mother honestly doesn’t like seeing anyone spending excessive amounts of money, when planning our wedding my husband, his mother and I paid for the wedding. My mother constantly complained about the cost of things and came up with tacky ideas for alternatives to help save money. She never asks what you want for christmas and when you even mention something you’d like to have for christmas she seems annoyed that you even asked. She also steals from work so she doesn’t have to buy medicine, paper towels, or trash bags. She always grabs extra napkins, condiments, and utensils at restraunts so she doesn’t have to buy these as well.

Pathological liars- They tell you stories that seem far-fetched and hard to believe especially since they keep occurring and usually once in a great while something like this would happen to the average person, but not repetitively over and over again as this person states. They often exaggerate their stories building onto a story until it less resembles the truth. Which there are to many examples of my mother doing this.

Envious and Competitive-  My mother is extremely envious of others and has a very competitive nature. After my husband’s car accident we needed to shop for another vehicle once buying our vehicle, my mother also bought one she was less interested in seeing ours and more interested in showing off hers. With going no contact my suspicion of my mom being jealous of my husband letting me stay home with my son was confirmed. There are a lot of times when I have witnessed my mother being envious and competitive.

Deaf to other’s opinions/ Doesn’t listen- I feel these two go hand in hand. My mother often engages in dysfunctional relationships where she has a man who is often a drunk along with a completely different set of issues. The man she is with now she has been with him for almost 8 years now, he is a drunk, has been to jail for cocaine possession and driving without the proper endorsement on his license to drive a motorcycle, she takes him back despite most of the others telling her this was a bad idea, she calls me to complain about him, when I tell her well maybe you need to leave him she completely ignores this suggestion and continues to complain about him. You can’t get her to really pay attention to anything you say whither it is regarding your life or hers.

Bragging and exagerating-  My mother calls to tell me about everything in her life good or bad. Which to give examples of her bragging it sounds like what most of normal people would do however her bragging goes over a notch to not as normal people would do i.e. your suppose to be as happy as she is about whatever happened and she basically disregards the fact that she caught you at a bad time. under the category pathological liars I gave an example of a person exaggerating their stories. Whenever they tell you something that seems over the top it usually is a story that has been pumped up and fluffed from a pretty ordinary event. As a kid  I became fully aware of my mother doing this and if I dare corrected her when she told her exaggerated version of the story she would tell me I just wasn’t remembering it correctly. I couldn’t even go on vacation to new york city  to visit my friend and have her leave my sight without her coming back with some over exaggerated story about a new yorker being rude to her. all in a week’s visit she must have had over 5 instances and I lived there a year and only witnessed 1 rude person.

Ungrateful- I take this to mean so many things. I consider life a delicate balance of us doing many things for each other, but I think gratitude is thanking a person for their kind acts and not placing value over the acts you did for another to being any more great than what a person had done for you. My mother constantly calls me ungrateful when I don’t do what she wants saying I bought you this or that, my mother never remembers anything nice I’ve done for her. That when she was a few dollars short buying a dress she wanted at a flea market I gave her my allowance so she could get it, that I saved her life i.e. hospital negligence, she had a gi bleed and had I not come back to find her in the state I had she probably would have been left that way for another hour because they were in shift change and none realized she was in shock due to significant blood loss, that I have treated her to lunch, she just doesn’t remember anything nice and will often use say the hospital thing against me like your so mean and ungrateful that I should have just died in that hospital.

No Boundries- My mom was in a drunk driving motor cycle accident, she made sure to flee the scene, stated she was fine, didn’t need an ambulance as she didn’t want to be discovered as being drunk she was the only one hurt as a result i.e. she wiped out. Her mother refused to let her go home unless she had someone to take care of her cause she knew my moms boyfriend wouldn’t so it became this big thing where she made sure I knew she didnt want to have to stay there and I moved in with her to take care of her, she really didn’t need me to care for her cause when i got there she was back to her normal life and now it was like i was a burden to her cause who is going to watch your son in the morning we all have to be to work. So my boyfriend stepped up to the plate and he was great, however my mom being fine with me having my boyfriend stay there even when I was off she would in the morning without even knocking walk into the bedroom. when i moved into my own place she had a key to my front door and would let herself in. She also with my husband’s aunt when taking family trips became upset when she didn’t want to crowd 6 people into a hotel room, has walked into my husbands aunt’s home without knocking.

Inept at Basic manners- I think the walking into people’s homes covers some of this. However one of the things my mom did , as a politeness since she had nowhere to go for christmas dinner one year her boyfriend was in prison I asked my husband’s aunt for permission to invite my mother to dinner she said that was fine, As we started to get closer to the holidays my mom alerts me that she is going to bring one of her friends (a coworker) with her. I tell her I am sure it isn’t  a problem, but let me check with my husbands aunt as you are my guest that I am bringing. Instead of accepting that she flew off into a rage saying fine I won’t go, I couldn’t get her to understand it was the polite thing to ask to bring an additional guest.

Lacks sense of humor- my mother has a hard time laughing about things unless of course she knows it causes you pain. Things that you reflect on and see you humor in she often tells you aren’t funny.

When you think of these things on a personal level if you had friends or lovers who behaved this way it would be a sure sign that this is not someone you want in your life. So why is it being born into a family like this, having a parent like this we are sentenced to a life time of hurt. It’s because of the myth that all mother’s love their children, however you need to be whole in order to love and they are missing the core experiences that help build meaningful relationships, they are repeating the cycle in which the way they grew not being able to improve because they didn’t know there was better.

I don’t want to live my life just trying to survive my families hurtful ways, having an outlined pattern of how I handle them through certain events of my life, being free to feel how I feel without someone thinking how they may use this against me. So I free myself from this myth knowing I am going to break a legacy of lies, hurt, and manipulation.

Hiding from your emotional terroist once you go no contact

Published January 9, 2013 by PeachyKeene

I think it is beneficial to change your patterns of places you go, things you do, and if you have the option to move i.e. are a renter to move. Realize if the people who terrorize you know your patterns it will only be a matter of time before they find you to continue their terrorist acts. When you first go no contact this is your time to heal, you are in a delicate stage and they know that, they will use that to manipulate you to submit to a relationship with them and their bad behavior nothing has changed. To be honest going no contact in the beginning you are more fragile then when you didn’t speak up because now they are immensely aware of the pain you say you suffered at the hands of them and they will try to tap into that pain hoping the wish for them to stop will drive you to them with some rationalization on your part that you get that they will not stop.

Which sad to say if they know how to reach you and they are the engulfing type they will most certainly not stop. Whenever I go shopping I try to keep my mom’s schedule in mind, I try not to go to places they would frequent and if I do I try not to go when she might be there because I am not ready for a public show down. The only reason I think my mother hasn’t come to my home is she fears me calling the cops, during the last major event of my life when she decided to emotionally terrorize me, I was living with my father, step mom, and step brother with my son. My mother wasn’t respecting my boundaries or that of my families and one day she came over she knew we were home, but no one would answer the door. So she persisted by knocking on all the windows of our home and when she did this the police was phoned. She still to this day insist my step mom invited her over so she could phone the cops on her,  however my step mother swears to never inviting her and said that when running into my mom she felt ganged up on by her and her mother, the day that happened before this incident left her in tears.

One of their manipulation tactics is they want everyone else around you not to love you or think you are a wonderful person, they try to speak ill of you to those you surround yourself with, I’ve had my first most important relationship for 26 years, my second for 19 years, and another for 6 years, those of my friends and husband, in the course of their time knowing me they have never heard my mother saying something nice about me like she truly loves me. They could of course recant all the negative non affirming things my mother has stated about me, which they find appalling that a parent could be that way. However the world is not perfect, but you can make yours better just by changing the things that don’t fulfill you.

One of the things you have to learn to let go of is the way others think of you, it is a guarantee once you go no contact you are going to run into a person that knows your family and you, maybe a family friend and in my case a previous co-worker, they may have seen your mother some weeks prior well out and may mention it merely because they were taken a back and alarmed by her announcement of “your cruelty”, some may ask is everything alright and truthfully most don’t need to know the details of your disunion with your family, you may elect to tell them I would rather not discuss personal matters, also don’t discuss with these people anything you wouldn’t want your family you separated from knowing. If you come across someone who wants to criticize you for your personal choice, tell them sorry i guess we have nothing to speak about and walk away, most people who make brash decisions based on one persons account of events is someone who you don’t want to waste breath on trying to explain your side to. Also those you consider close to you, should not be someone who has regular contact with your family, they should be people who are truly loyal to you and will not discuss you with your family, if you can’t determine if they are it’s best not to keep them in your circle of confidants.

Until you discover who you are and rebuild yourself, I would definitely feel you are not quiet ready for the chance encounter of bumping into your ex communicated family, if this happens walk away, if they follow, warn them not to talk to or follow you, if they still proceed shout it at them so others are aware there is a problem, this will often disengage them and they may even try to cast shame on you for doing that, but the key is to remember don’t care about the judgement of others, this is your life and this is something that others couldn’t possibly understand.

In the beginning stages you are hiding from them, but as you start to find your own dreams, desires, beliefs, love, self-esteem, and confidence, your life is remodeled you are no longer their hostage, you now are equipped with all the tools of normal healthy adults they no longer can keep you hostage because you learned and armed yourself with all important lessons that you no longer are hiding, you simply are a stranger to the personal hell they inflicted on your life and you know you will never give them this power again. Keeping in mind that they were terrorist of your emotions don’t expect once you begin the healing process sitting down to a cup of coffee is possible, in the real world those we consider terrorist to our nation we seek to destroy, we absolve their tyranny to keep them from harming us and others and this is how you have to think about your own emotional terrorist. Some might think I shouldn’t say anything to my son about his grandmother, but I did tell him she has problems none of us can fix and she isn’t good for us to be around, that it isn’t his fault and not allow anyone to make him feel like it is.

In the beginning you have to learn self-preservation, avoidance tactics much like old prison war camp movies where you see a person slowly chiseling their way out of jail without their captures knowing, you don’t want your captures stopping you from finding your own release from the emotional prison they trapped you in, the next time they see you, you want them to know they will never have the capabilities to lock you in there again you are now free from their chains and free to move on with your life.

Relationships normal and narcissistic, growth and development

Published January 8, 2013 by PeachyKeene

I have given a lot of thought into what makes me different from my mother why I turned out differently than her and I have concluded that she had no healthy relationships and her mother who didn’t like to work and manipulated others so she would have to work very little   saw to it that she didn’t have friends. She often got picked on by kids at school for the unusual way her mom dressed her none knowing her own personal hell. I had 2 best friends growing up, one I met when I was 7 and the other when I was 14. The first though a wonderful friend who was very sweet and caring was also very shy and introverted.

My other friend that I met when I was 14, ( which I feel the beginning of your teen years is where you are most influenced on the person you will become)she came into my life and taught me to think about myself. She watched kids bully me in school and use to say don’t take crap from no one you have enough of your own, which I truly did. She encouraged me to value myself and most of the time I did until I was placed in that situation where I knew my family would make me feel otherwise.

My mom grew without best friends, her mother told her if your friends want to hang out with you they can do so here, and most of my mothers friends would remark how nutty my mom’s mom was which often lead to them not wanting to come back and they made friends with someone whose parents they could get along with. so she was alienated, no friends which explains why she ran off with the first guy that stuck up for her and didn’t run away (my dad) which when I hear about their relationship with him she admits to never being in love with my father that he was just her escape from her mother and that even he knew it and took advantage of it, I was a planned pregnancy which lead her to feeling more depressed over her life, she cried when she had me which means the natural bonding process that is supposed to take place after birth never happened and without help how would it ever take place?

My mom was programmed to be a hard worker by her mom, she made my mom do without sleep (sleep deprivation techniques you often saw in militarized settings where they torture their captive by refusing to let them sleep) to submit to her demands, my mother was to cook,clean, and care for her brother if her brother messed up or she negated on some of her duties she was beaten sometimes severely by her mother. Though most narcissist learn from the other narcissist in their life it still does create some variance in pattern to how they manipulate you. My mother was neglected, considered unimportant of her mothers time, and forced to be the hard-working type, with me she never sufficiently bonded, ached for love, but neglected to give me a true projection of what love was, instilled in her was an extremely hard work ethic from having to be that way as a child that she followed that pattern to a T which often left me to raise myself, so really my lack of attention and healthy friendships saved me.

There are some great differences between how my mother was raised and how I was raised, my grandmother is a malignant narcissist where my mother is the co dependant narcissist which means she is engulfing and her mother was ignoring unless she wanted something because I often refused to be commanded by my mother and didn’t submit to her demands she was criticized by her mother for being a bad parent who didn’t beat me enough as a child. I also think that another beneficial tool to my childhood was I spent a lot of time in counseling and writing was a way to alleviate my feelings. Leave me with pen and paper and I could write away half my worries. When you read things and you keep nodding your head recognizing the behavior and realize it often is created as a pattern passed from generation to generation you do get scared that maybe your like this without realizing it then you reflect on your relationships.

With much thought about my feelings and views of the world and the relationships I have, I am happy to say I am not like them, I won’t say I am not damaged by the relationship, but I watched my families actions with a full awareness that I didn’t want to be like this and often told my friend if I am ever that way to my child for a wake up call slap me please because how can someone be like that? I must tell my son a dozen times a day how smart he is, how handsome he is, that he makes me proud and I love him. My family if they could have had their way would have had me abort him, my best friend saved me from letting them get their hooks into me to manipulate me into a decision I would regret my whole life, she said as emotional as I was if I had she feared I would want to later take my own life. I learned from her early on blood doesn’t make you family, it’s how much you truly care for the person that makes you family. Through my network of friends I have built my own family, I have my father’s family, and I married into a very incredibly loving family that I just love them all so much my heart could burst. My life is rich and full, for this they are jealous and they spend all their free time trying to steal all the positive light I have they try to climb into my light and fill it with the emptiness they feel.

I really felt confused at first walking away from my mom and going no contact because despite how awful they are to you, you love them through confused hurtful distorted relationships you still love them. However the healthier thing is to walk away, my mother’s life remains in a constant downward spiral with the relationship she has been in for the past 7 years, the guy is a drug addict, alcoholic, and criminal with multiple felony charges that prevent him from being able to find gainful employment she supports him and has also taken to drinking often she throws all caution to the wind and will even proceed to drink with my family in the car with her. Though I don’t have much proof to go on, I am convinced by her behavior that she is taking illegal drugs, others have accused her of smoking crack rock with her boyfriend she denies it, tries to continually show us her teeth are well taken care of, but displays excessive giddy moods where she is about jumping up and down very excited as she talks to you, when you question her about her behavior she claims her doctor placed her on a new med that makes her loopy yet never can keep her stories straight as to what prescribed meds she is taking.

These lies are often easy for her to tell because of the medical background she has, but they’re extremely easy for me to spot as she ensured I followed her foot steps. Which I gave up nursing 5 years ago when I met my husband to be a stay at home mom and wife, it gives us a lot of time to enjoy our family life together, I do eventually plan to return to school for something non medical related. When I first retired my nursing license there was a lot of anger from my mother, she refused to let it go even paid to renew my license and paid and took my continuing education online. She often gets feeling burnt out by it and how she wants to do something else like open her own business she is often insisting that a majority of the people we know can quit their current jobs and come work for her, she will grumble more about her work environment and if I interject about that is why I wanted to get out of it, nevermind the reason she said she wanted to get out of it she will then start angrily telling me off about my decision and tries to act like the 2 years of her life that she had helped me with my son over a 12 year period prevented her from furthering her education. she had 10 years to herself to do something and she never did.

I have decided to take this time to build the life I want, to be the person I want and to have the relationships I want. Some may never understand because they haven’t been where I have. I want the confidence to know I made others life’s great for just knowing me and gained something in return. I shouldn’t have to babysit Peoples bad behaviors and emotions when dealing with my own personal crisis, anyone who would take advantage of me in my weakest moment doesn’t belong in my circle of confidants. It’s hard to find your own personal strength when dealing with a whole family full of toxic people which is why I encourage people moving on from what doesn’t make you stronger.