Since my mother in-laws visit things have been getting progressively worse with my mom. She excessively emails my entire family (trying to insist I am the bad one who needs to be punished), leaving things in my vehicle for my son (made the mistake of once not checking to make sure our suv was locked), has drove past places she thinks I might be, photographs my vehicle and post it to Facebook, and the other day one of her calls slipped past the hang up feature and gave her voice mail where she left me a message where she sounded intoxicated and wanted to know if I love her or not?
Everything she does I report it to police because my hope has been that I will get a restraining order, some form of legal notice telling her to stay away or she is indefinitely going to be in trouble with the law. However with police involvement, the issue is becoming do I want to press charges or not. They are even very aware of her substance abuse problem and have suggested the marchman act. The marchman act is a great little court order that requires they get help, no excuses, and if they don’t they can have sanctions placed on them by the court, the only way to get the court off your back is to complete the program. This is a great idea for those who always had the warm loving and fuzzy relationship with this person prior to alcohol. If prior to alcohol you dealt with someone who’s behavior is now more amplified by the alcohol and you already know alcohol or not you don’t want a relationship the marchman act may not be for you.
There are loop holes in not having to participate, they can hire an attorney to fight it and they can move out of county which means the marchman act no longer applies. Not to mention the person that enacts this on you has to be an active participant in making sure you get treatment. Yet again something I must give up to make her life better. I really don’t like seeming like I am being selfish, but I meant what I said about not wanting to be a part of her life anymore. I think back to when she was sober before alcohol was involved and she was pretty bad back then, but alcohol has made it worse. I try to think back on what led her down this path, how her own life got misconstrued, realize I don’t believe in blaming other people for a persons problems, I can say it was an influencing factor however you are the only person with the capabilities to decide for yourself.
I really think this all began when I moved away to new york for a year, while living in the big city my mother would call me to tell me about the men she was dating, even I could see through their games of wanting to use you for sex and would try to for worn my mother not to fall for their lines, however I think all she wanted was for someone to love her, then she met the man she would spend the next 8 years of her life having a rocky relationship. When I came back to florida, the first place my mom took me out to was a bar, I thought nothing of it, That is also where she met her boyfriend.
I don’t think I realized she was falling into a bottle and didn’t see any signs until a year after my return. It was my son’s 6th birthday and I decided to take him to Seaworld. Well Seaworld has an amheiser busch complimentary beer house with their maximum of what they give every person being 2 beers, however they don’t enter your name and birthdate into a computer to mark that you already had your 2 beers it is based purely on an honor system. I had no interest in drinking, I can’t even stand the taste of beer, however as I sat with my mom and my friend, my friend enjoyed her 2 complementary beers while my mother tossed back a total of 8 in an hours time, she was now giddy, acting like a child wanting her photos snapped at every photo-op place in the park and insisting she could drive if I didn’t feel up to it persisting she wasn’t drunk when I told her she was too drunk to drive and to cut her off on the driving issue used the excuse I was the only one that hadn’t had a drink so I should drive. Their was my first sign and I didn’t even realize it, I just thought she was really enjoying herself.
Then I met my future husband, he was a good man who would do anything for me, normally I wouldn’t jump the gun on moving in with someone I am dating, but I think it’s true you just know when you have met the right person, he was the first of any of my boyfriends I lived with. My mom had heard the barnium and Bailey circus was coming to the area and bought tickets to take my son, I stayed at home and my boyfriend was working. We were having automotive problems, so my boyfriend would have had to walk home however when my mom called to say she was on her way home she told me she could go pick him up. Later when they got home, I tucked my son into bed and my boyfriend turned to me and said please don’t let your son in the car with them ever again and don’t you ride with them, if you ever need a ride call someone in my family. I looked at him bewildered and asked why? That is when he told me she was drinking and driving, the only reason he didn’t get out of the car was because he didn’t want to leave my son behind, I didn’t distrust what he told me, I just had a hard time believing it. She use to never behave that way.
Since being involved with the police reporting her harassing behavior, my first initial complaint the police officer offered to call and speak with her and got her to agree that any future interaction she had with me would involve law enforcement, that she needs a police officer to stand by that I did not want her entering my vehicle or stopping by without law enforcement, she agreed however moments after me leaving she tried to call me 4 times. When I came back to the police station to file other grievances with her, I spoke to the same police officer as before and she told me my mother called back later that day after my first complaint not even remembering that she spoke to her, which the officer spoke with the detective about my case as well. When you are dealing with an engulfing mother with addiction problems you are often left with difficult decisions do you go back and get sucked into her problems as you try to seek her help, do you press charges on her and hope that her time in jail also serves as a point of clarity and she will sober up ( she also could end up not going to jail so there is no sure way that this will save her from herself, but it might ensure she gets the message to leave you alone.), or do you do the normal things of going no contact i.e. change your phone number and move then hope one day she doesn’t spot you and follow you to your home?
I don’t want to go back, if I purely thought all of her behavior was the alcohol I would, but I know it’s not. I don’t want to press charges on my mom, but I think even with me changing my number and address she will try her hardest to locate me to continue the harassment, also there is a small chance with it could come the help she needs if I do press charges. However I have to decide what gets me back on my path to the life I deserve to have. I have to be less concerned with her because if I devote my actions to what is in her best interest and not mine I already have let her win again.