It’s amazing what traumatic life events can reveal about the people who are in your life. Let me just say the saying “that you find out who your friends are in tough times.” could most certainly be applied but I think it should stretch to just say you find out who people are when faced with tough times.
On November 9th,2012 I got one of the worst phone calls anyone could expect to get. My husband had been in a car accident, a truck slammed into the side of our car pushing the passenger side all the way into the center console. He had sustained head trauma and had fluid building in his abdomen, he was air flighted to one of the leading hospitals in this area. I phoned his aunt telling I need to get to the hospital and we rushed to the hospital. I was blessed that he wasn’t unconscious when I got to the hospital, the pain prevented him from speaking but he was able to acknowledge I was there. I told him I loved him and I would be here for him.
I called everyone I could think of and his aunt phoned those in her family. My mother was the hardest for me to reach which I figured mainly had to do with she might be sleeping as she worked an overnight shift. I actually called her 8 times in the corse of 5 hours, she called me when she woke completely unphased that anything could be wrong and said “you called me 8 times what for?” Her mood that followed seemed just as unfitting she just said sorry to hear that and our conversation ended quickly. Later she texted sorry she was sleeping and next time have the police wake her if i can’t reach her and she would go see him in the morning when she got off.
Which when I saw her at the hospital in the morning, she talked to me in a sullen voice with no tears, her body language didn’t match her voice everything about it felt staged. The next day as I was gathering with my husband’s family for a family meal, I begin to get text about how I am going to go to hell if I don’t forgive my grandmother. Which the only way I was able to get her to stop her argumentative stance with me was to give her a project in which she would be “helpful”.
However that doesn’t last long with her. My husband was discharged from the hospital the day before thanksgiving fulfilling many people’s goals to have him home for the holidays. Thanksgiving day as our aunt is about to have us sit down for dinner my mother shows up with my grandmother in tote to visit my husband. The weeks that followed would be arguments about giving my grandmother another chance one day when she wouldn’t stop I said goodbye and hung up on her abruptly.
She wanted to resolve her argument with me and show off that she also went and got a new vehicle. When I told her she needed to stop with her arguing that it is very distressing to my husband and his family while he tries to heal that it causes unnecessary stress that gives him headaches(which i also emailed this to her before her stopping by but she hadn’t read it) she brought up something I did to her 6 years ago that hurt her and does my husband’s family know that. In just as much fury I told her they could care less, that the only important person in this is my husband so whatever our history is they could care less. As I tried to continue talking to her she kept talking over me, interrupting, and talking about herself. I said to her you never listen to me and I refuse to continue this conversation. She then said Don’t you walk away from me, get back here!” I said “No” she then responded you are just like your father (this is meant to be an ultimate insult because my whole childhood she kept trying to build in my head that my father was a horrible person, unfortant for her I learned he was not) and I spat back at her so and you are just like your mother. This idea was immediately rejected and we now were stuck on her she had nothing to say back other than defend the notion that she was indeed like her mom. I walked away.
Later that day as I christmas shopped with my husband’s aunt I started to get text messages from her phone where she pretended to be her boyfriend saying he feared she went to kill herself. She filled my phone up with over 15 text pretending to be him and while doing this she was on facebook saying she wanted to live in cinderella’s castle. During most of our arguments she took to facebook the one that upset my husband’s family is where she demanded I obey her or I was pissing her off and that is the concise version, her behavior has my husband’s family convinced she is on drugs. I on the other hand feel like they could very well be right but since I have not seen first hand I have no idea. Her boyfriend has had a history of drug use, is an alcoholic and she has followed suit with his drinking behaviors.
Well to completely put her raging behavior behind her with the text she sent me she sees my email she says your right, I’m sorry see you the 23rd. This time it just felt like I was pushed over the cliff, instead of accepting her hand to get back on narcissist mountain I decided to hit the water and wake up. I was outraged in how she could want to be so dramatic and want to steal attention away from my husband who really needed it. I told her she went to far and I was tired of ignoring her bad behavior, that I am now cutting her off and she needed to make herself better that I didn’t have it in me to help her.
Problem was at first I didn’t realize she just didn’t have co dependency issues. She in turn was also a narcissist, I knew my grandma was cause god she was just awful, but it never dawned on me that my mother was. Narcissism develops mainly when a child is brought up by a narcissist, lack of healthy relationships, and coping mechanisms. My grandmother was a malignant narcissist which makes any other narcissist seem like a sweet person in comparison. Maybe it was easier to see my mothers issues now that I moved on from my grandma. My mom is the engulfing mother, she will not give you up without a fight, she will try to recruit people in your life to join the fight to bring you back to her, and she knows no boundaries.
As she started to realize I didn’t care what time of year it was i.e. christmas that I planted my feet firmly on the issue, she turned to my husband’s aunt barging into her home without knocking and emailing her. I instructed my husband’s aunt if you don’t want her bothering you, you need to be assertive with her or she will continue to do this.Which when my husband’s aunt did this, she said they were crystal clear and went on a 18 text rant. When I told her to not call,text,email,stop by or approach me in a store she began to persist I have stuff that belonged to her and she would call the law on me to have me arrested, that I am a horrible wife and mother and she was going to call dcf on me. I need the number I have cause of my husbands current situation for all the paperwork we are tied up in it just saves us time having to update records. So I downloaded an app into my smart phone called mr.number it can block all texts and phone calls from whoever you don’t want to hear from it even has the ability to automatically erase any history of their attempts to contact you so you may live your life in peace undisturbed by them.
At first I perpetuated every text, stressing about them, now letting it go I feel I gained a new sense of control over my life. This is my life, it’s for me to decide, and I decided I want better for my family then a legacy of alcohol abuse, drug abuse, mental illness, and personality disorders. When someone decides to move on from someone like their moms people always think your horrible, that you need to learn to let things go, thing is they don’t realize I have and she hasn’t. my mother to this day begrudge my father’s family and her relationship with most of them ended 32 years ago, she will never let me look to the present. She will always try to interfere with the healthy relationships I have and look for ways to execute control and I could be assertive, but when faced with my own personal crisis with my own household I don’t want to have to babysit other people’s actions and emotions especially when it is a selfish one that takes my energy away from being there for my husband or my son.
I am trying to break a legacy of unhealthy, hurtful, and toxic relationships. All I want is to be happy, for my family to be happy. We’ll get there, but it will be in the absence of some who would otherwise stand in the way of that.