Some may have a lot to say when you decide to go no contact, realize your reasons and choices are your own, you have to live the life that proceeds your choice to either maintain low contact or no contact. Others will not understand because wither A) They Didn’t have a parent like yours or B) their parent was the ignoring type that didn’t even notice when their contact with them became minimal. It is completely normal to feel quilt when you first decide to go no contact, mostly because they spent most of your life programing you to be riddled with quilt if it’s not the choice they would want. In the time preceding your choice you will be given clarity, you’ll have more come to the surface that help support your own internal decision to go no contact.
My mother is the engulfing mother so trust me when I say I feared making the choice I made as she has spent all her free time sending hate text insisting she would find ways to get me in trouble with the law and dcf, insulting me every chance she got, I stressed myself out over it until I had fever blisters, I did things to eliminate the stress she kept beraiding me with by blocking her phone number from texting me, calling me, and I blocked her on Facebook, however that doesn’t stop me from looking around every time I get out of my car or always locking my front door behind me for her to show up at my home or follow me in a store wouldn’t surprise me as I have a few instances where she refused to leave when I wouldn’t answer my door that she began to pound on all the windows of my home.
I have since telling my mom I wanted to go no contact had lots of time to think about our relationship, in true form she has me questioning the details of our relationship like if it really is bad as I thought and now that I have found my own mind to think over everything for myself begin to realize it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was worse than I thought. My mother has no happy stories of me, only 3 times she has ever express pride in me, has spent her life trying to separate me from the healthy relationships I do have by telling them how worthless I am or telling me they mock her for not being as close as they are with me (in other words please withdraw from this relationship), she uses superiority over me to undermine me speaking up for myself, everything she gives me comes with a price, I must not talk about the past if it makes her look bad but she has first dibs on recalling the past when it paints an unflattering picture of you. Any personal crisis in my life has been met with great hostility my pregnancy with my son I had to move out when I refused to get an abortion and was made to return the car she gave me as it wasn’t in my name and she threatened to call the cops and have me arrested for grand theft auto (I was 20, had a job and paid room and board, plus auto insurance) , my depression when I was hospitalized she called the hospital every day to fight with me and made sure to say very hurtful things like “did you tell your therapist that you enjoyed being molested when you were a little girl?” and when my husband layed unconscious in a hospital bed, she didn’t waste any time fighting with me over the fact that I wouldn’t speak to my narcissistic grandma she kept saying I was going to hell and kept trying to tell me what family members who were now deceased were keeping eye on him as if she was enlightened and touched by god (which I find religion whatever your choice to be important, but I fail to believe anyone has the ability to judge or proceed to know better than anyone else)
When I take into account all her manipulations, her bad mouthing me, just a complete void of anything remotely healthy in our relationship I have no problem saying good-bye, as much as I know it hurts her for me to walk away it hurts me to have to stay, I know I deserve more than what I have now with her and she is already trying to form her unhealthy attachments to my autistic son, when he is 18 I have little say in his choices, I will have to respect them, but the last thing I want is to see her get her way of convincing my son to move in with her and being delegated to be her caregiver. I have often heard her say to him “when you turn 18 you can move in with nana and when I fall you can pick me up off the floor.” It’s a rather sad cycle that will continue to be repeated until someone breaks it, which that person would be me.
I don’t want my son to suffer low self-esteem and depression. I don’t want to fall into the same patterns of my family and I really feel I’m worth more than she says I am and so are you.