I have given a lot of thought into what makes me different from my mother why I turned out differently than her and I have concluded that she had no healthy relationships and her mother who didn’t like to work and manipulated others so she would have to work very little saw to it that she didn’t have friends. She often got picked on by kids at school for the unusual way her mom dressed her none knowing her own personal hell. I had 2 best friends growing up, one I met when I was 7 and the other when I was 14. The first though a wonderful friend who was very sweet and caring was also very shy and introverted.
My other friend that I met when I was 14, ( which I feel the beginning of your teen years is where you are most influenced on the person you will become)she came into my life and taught me to think about myself. She watched kids bully me in school and use to say don’t take crap from no one you have enough of your own, which I truly did. She encouraged me to value myself and most of the time I did until I was placed in that situation where I knew my family would make me feel otherwise.
My mom grew without best friends, her mother told her if your friends want to hang out with you they can do so here, and most of my mothers friends would remark how nutty my mom’s mom was which often lead to them not wanting to come back and they made friends with someone whose parents they could get along with. so she was alienated, no friends which explains why she ran off with the first guy that stuck up for her and didn’t run away (my dad) which when I hear about their relationship with him she admits to never being in love with my father that he was just her escape from her mother and that even he knew it and took advantage of it, I was a planned pregnancy which lead her to feeling more depressed over her life, she cried when she had me which means the natural bonding process that is supposed to take place after birth never happened and without help how would it ever take place?
My mom was programmed to be a hard worker by her mom, she made my mom do without sleep (sleep deprivation techniques you often saw in militarized settings where they torture their captive by refusing to let them sleep) to submit to her demands, my mother was to cook,clean, and care for her brother if her brother messed up or she negated on some of her duties she was beaten sometimes severely by her mother. Though most narcissist learn from the other narcissist in their life it still does create some variance in pattern to how they manipulate you. My mother was neglected, considered unimportant of her mothers time, and forced to be the hard-working type, with me she never sufficiently bonded, ached for love, but neglected to give me a true projection of what love was, instilled in her was an extremely hard work ethic from having to be that way as a child that she followed that pattern to a T which often left me to raise myself, so really my lack of attention and healthy friendships saved me.
There are some great differences between how my mother was raised and how I was raised, my grandmother is a malignant narcissist where my mother is the co dependant narcissist which means she is engulfing and her mother was ignoring unless she wanted something because I often refused to be commanded by my mother and didn’t submit to her demands she was criticized by her mother for being a bad parent who didn’t beat me enough as a child. I also think that another beneficial tool to my childhood was I spent a lot of time in counseling and writing was a way to alleviate my feelings. Leave me with pen and paper and I could write away half my worries. When you read things and you keep nodding your head recognizing the behavior and realize it often is created as a pattern passed from generation to generation you do get scared that maybe your like this without realizing it then you reflect on your relationships.
With much thought about my feelings and views of the world and the relationships I have, I am happy to say I am not like them, I won’t say I am not damaged by the relationship, but I watched my families actions with a full awareness that I didn’t want to be like this and often told my friend if I am ever that way to my child for a wake up call slap me please because how can someone be like that? I must tell my son a dozen times a day how smart he is, how handsome he is, that he makes me proud and I love him. My family if they could have had their way would have had me abort him, my best friend saved me from letting them get their hooks into me to manipulate me into a decision I would regret my whole life, she said as emotional as I was if I had she feared I would want to later take my own life. I learned from her early on blood doesn’t make you family, it’s how much you truly care for the person that makes you family. Through my network of friends I have built my own family, I have my father’s family, and I married into a very incredibly loving family that I just love them all so much my heart could burst. My life is rich and full, for this they are jealous and they spend all their free time trying to steal all the positive light I have they try to climb into my light and fill it with the emptiness they feel.
I really felt confused at first walking away from my mom and going no contact because despite how awful they are to you, you love them through confused hurtful distorted relationships you still love them. However the healthier thing is to walk away, my mother’s life remains in a constant downward spiral with the relationship she has been in for the past 7 years, the guy is a drug addict, alcoholic, and criminal with multiple felony charges that prevent him from being able to find gainful employment she supports him and has also taken to drinking often she throws all caution to the wind and will even proceed to drink with my family in the car with her. Though I don’t have much proof to go on, I am convinced by her behavior that she is taking illegal drugs, others have accused her of smoking crack rock with her boyfriend she denies it, tries to continually show us her teeth are well taken care of, but displays excessive giddy moods where she is about jumping up and down very excited as she talks to you, when you question her about her behavior she claims her doctor placed her on a new med that makes her loopy yet never can keep her stories straight as to what prescribed meds she is taking.
These lies are often easy for her to tell because of the medical background she has, but they’re extremely easy for me to spot as she ensured I followed her foot steps. Which I gave up nursing 5 years ago when I met my husband to be a stay at home mom and wife, it gives us a lot of time to enjoy our family life together, I do eventually plan to return to school for something non medical related. When I first retired my nursing license there was a lot of anger from my mother, she refused to let it go even paid to renew my license and paid and took my continuing education online. She often gets feeling burnt out by it and how she wants to do something else like open her own business she is often insisting that a majority of the people we know can quit their current jobs and come work for her, she will grumble more about her work environment and if I interject about that is why I wanted to get out of it, nevermind the reason she said she wanted to get out of it she will then start angrily telling me off about my decision and tries to act like the 2 years of her life that she had helped me with my son over a 12 year period prevented her from furthering her education. she had 10 years to herself to do something and she never did.
I have decided to take this time to build the life I want, to be the person I want and to have the relationships I want. Some may never understand because they haven’t been where I have. I want the confidence to know I made others life’s great for just knowing me and gained something in return. I shouldn’t have to babysit Peoples bad behaviors and emotions when dealing with my own personal crisis, anyone who would take advantage of me in my weakest moment doesn’t belong in my circle of confidants. It’s hard to find your own personal strength when dealing with a whole family full of toxic people which is why I encourage people moving on from what doesn’t make you stronger.