The myth of motherly love

Published January 10, 2013 by PeachyKeene

It’s hard for some to accept that there are mothers out there that don’t love their children. That their characteristic flaws prevent them from doing so. Which if there are mothers that leave their children, why would it be so hard to imagine ones that stay and resent them? In fact a lot of us who were born to these mothers with characteristic flaws where we felt worthless because of our mothers wish she would have left so we could be raised by people who would love us unconditionally. Some will never know the hell of never being good enough for a woman who is projected as an angel placed on earth to care for us, who just lacks the ability to love anyone else. below I am going to show a list of narcissistic traits and try to give you examples of them in a parent-child relationship.

NarcissisticParentsTraits

Self absorbed She will call you to discuss her problems, everything is about her, if you try to discuss anything in your life she will cut you off, interupt or ignore you.

authoritarian Easiest way to put this is she will always coin the phrase that she is your mother so how dare you challenge her. In fact before I went no contact with her she was wanting to fight with me over my no contact with my narcissistic grandmother, when I refused to do as she said she posted on Facebook for everyone to read I am your superior, I am mother superior and if you don’t do as I say well then your mother f***ing pissing me off.

Knows it all my mother assumes to know all  when it comes to god, she thinks she is enlighten and has been touched after having a death experience more than once(yes she really did I can vouge for that much that she nearly died more than once) She thinks I am unforgiving because I don’t want to have a relationship with all the people I use to know when I was younger not just family, but friends to, she can’t grasp that some people just move on from things wishing no ill will to the person but want something different for their life so she tells me I am going to hell. She assumes to know what all my problems are. Even that my great-grandmother who passed away last year was with my husband when he got in an accident and nearly died.

Negative- I think this is pretty self explanatory. However imagine you’re in love, you met the man of your dreams and he ask you to marry him. You call your family to tell them the good news, when you tell your mom all she can say is “How can he afford a ring?”

Highly critical of others- She is often critical about my weight, she can not let a time when I am in her presence go without letting me know I am fat and sometimes even when I am just on the phone with her. For my last birthday we had shopping and lunch plans, she actually squeezed my belly fat after starring me up and down for about 2 minutes and then when out discouraged me from getting the shirts she said she’d buy me saying they make me look fatter than I am, bought me some dresses instead and as paying for them said she wanted to be able to borrow them.

Likes to yell- If she feels she isn’t the center of attention she will begin to argue and yell at people. Sometimes when instigating an argument with others she will be on the phone with me so I can hear her yelling at others, if I don’t do as she says she begins to yell.

Secretive- my mother will often lie to cover up the things she doesn’t want me to know, like tell me the doctor put her on meds for her bipolar disorder when he didn’t or try to hide how much of a drinking problem she has however buys her beer from the store my husband works at.

Possessively close to the child It is no secret that my mother wants her relationship with me to be the only relationship I have. My whole life I have dealt with her lying, manipulating, and being intrusive. My mother worked a lot when I was in high school she liked getting big fat paychecks with lots of overtime on it so I often was left to care for myself as I refused to stay with her mom told her I would go live with my dad first. I turned to others for that sense of family so I didn’t have to be alone all the time, made my own plans, well one day as I stood in the drive of the family I babysat for preparing to take the little girl I watched to a movie she wanted to see and her mom didn’t (thought of her as my kid sister and loved spending time with her) my mom pulls up says she has the night off and I am to spend it with her, I was upset cause she didnt even tell me and of course she threw in they’re not your family I am now get in the car, the girl’s mother said it’s ok I understand and I left with my mom. However my mom just makes it apparent that she doesn’t want me to get close to anyone and will often lie about the person who is getting close to me hoping this tactic will make me back away from the relationship.

Cunning/Manipulative/exploitive-  my mother often will bring up my history to achieve things she wants often it is to achieve separating me from those I have gotten close with, she likes to talk about it in a setting where they are likely to walk up and she can try to expose me as a fraud or when she is angry with me not doing as she wants to tries to run off and tell the people who love me that basically I am not worthy of them loving me cause look at how I am and what I have done. When I became a part of my husband’s family I was recovering from self-destructive behavior and had been in counseling.Knowing what I know about my mom I knew it was only a matter of time before she went off to tell them about who I was, so I told them things that could have very well just been stuff I only shared with my husband, his aunt that lives in the same town as us told me who cares that isn’t who you are now, we love you. Which when I went no contact my mother in deed did tell my husband’s aunt about my past exaggerating most of the details.

Stingy- My mother honestly doesn’t like seeing anyone spending excessive amounts of money, when planning our wedding my husband, his mother and I paid for the wedding. My mother constantly complained about the cost of things and came up with tacky ideas for alternatives to help save money. She never asks what you want for christmas and when you even mention something you’d like to have for christmas she seems annoyed that you even asked. She also steals from work so she doesn’t have to buy medicine, paper towels, or trash bags. She always grabs extra napkins, condiments, and utensils at restraunts so she doesn’t have to buy these as well.

Pathological liars- They tell you stories that seem far-fetched and hard to believe especially since they keep occurring and usually once in a great while something like this would happen to the average person, but not repetitively over and over again as this person states. They often exaggerate their stories building onto a story until it less resembles the truth. Which there are to many examples of my mother doing this.

Envious and Competitive-  My mother is extremely envious of others and has a very competitive nature. After my husband’s car accident we needed to shop for another vehicle once buying our vehicle, my mother also bought one she was less interested in seeing ours and more interested in showing off hers. With going no contact my suspicion of my mom being jealous of my husband letting me stay home with my son was confirmed. There are a lot of times when I have witnessed my mother being envious and competitive.

Deaf to other’s opinions/ Doesn’t listen- I feel these two go hand in hand. My mother often engages in dysfunctional relationships where she has a man who is often a drunk along with a completely different set of issues. The man she is with now she has been with him for almost 8 years now, he is a drunk, has been to jail for cocaine possession and driving without the proper endorsement on his license to drive a motorcycle, she takes him back despite most of the others telling her this was a bad idea, she calls me to complain about him, when I tell her well maybe you need to leave him she completely ignores this suggestion and continues to complain about him. You can’t get her to really pay attention to anything you say whither it is regarding your life or hers.

Bragging and exagerating-  My mother calls to tell me about everything in her life good or bad. Which to give examples of her bragging it sounds like what most of normal people would do however her bragging goes over a notch to not as normal people would do i.e. your suppose to be as happy as she is about whatever happened and she basically disregards the fact that she caught you at a bad time. under the category pathological liars I gave an example of a person exaggerating their stories. Whenever they tell you something that seems over the top it usually is a story that has been pumped up and fluffed from a pretty ordinary event. As a kid  I became fully aware of my mother doing this and if I dare corrected her when she told her exaggerated version of the story she would tell me I just wasn’t remembering it correctly. I couldn’t even go on vacation to new york city  to visit my friend and have her leave my sight without her coming back with some over exaggerated story about a new yorker being rude to her. all in a week’s visit she must have had over 5 instances and I lived there a year and only witnessed 1 rude person.

Ungrateful- I take this to mean so many things. I consider life a delicate balance of us doing many things for each other, but I think gratitude is thanking a person for their kind acts and not placing value over the acts you did for another to being any more great than what a person had done for you. My mother constantly calls me ungrateful when I don’t do what she wants saying I bought you this or that, my mother never remembers anything nice I’ve done for her. That when she was a few dollars short buying a dress she wanted at a flea market I gave her my allowance so she could get it, that I saved her life i.e. hospital negligence, she had a gi bleed and had I not come back to find her in the state I had she probably would have been left that way for another hour because they were in shift change and none realized she was in shock due to significant blood loss, that I have treated her to lunch, she just doesn’t remember anything nice and will often use say the hospital thing against me like your so mean and ungrateful that I should have just died in that hospital.

No Boundries- My mom was in a drunk driving motor cycle accident, she made sure to flee the scene, stated she was fine, didn’t need an ambulance as she didn’t want to be discovered as being drunk she was the only one hurt as a result i.e. she wiped out. Her mother refused to let her go home unless she had someone to take care of her cause she knew my moms boyfriend wouldn’t so it became this big thing where she made sure I knew she didnt want to have to stay there and I moved in with her to take care of her, she really didn’t need me to care for her cause when i got there she was back to her normal life and now it was like i was a burden to her cause who is going to watch your son in the morning we all have to be to work. So my boyfriend stepped up to the plate and he was great, however my mom being fine with me having my boyfriend stay there even when I was off she would in the morning without even knocking walk into the bedroom. when i moved into my own place she had a key to my front door and would let herself in. She also with my husband’s aunt when taking family trips became upset when she didn’t want to crowd 6 people into a hotel room, has walked into my husbands aunt’s home without knocking.

Inept at Basic manners- I think the walking into people’s homes covers some of this. However one of the things my mom did , as a politeness since she had nowhere to go for christmas dinner one year her boyfriend was in prison I asked my husband’s aunt for permission to invite my mother to dinner she said that was fine, As we started to get closer to the holidays my mom alerts me that she is going to bring one of her friends (a coworker) with her. I tell her I am sure it isn’t  a problem, but let me check with my husbands aunt as you are my guest that I am bringing. Instead of accepting that she flew off into a rage saying fine I won’t go, I couldn’t get her to understand it was the polite thing to ask to bring an additional guest.

Lacks sense of humor- my mother has a hard time laughing about things unless of course she knows it causes you pain. Things that you reflect on and see you humor in she often tells you aren’t funny.

When you think of these things on a personal level if you had friends or lovers who behaved this way it would be a sure sign that this is not someone you want in your life. So why is it being born into a family like this, having a parent like this we are sentenced to a life time of hurt. It’s because of the myth that all mother’s love their children, however you need to be whole in order to love and they are missing the core experiences that help build meaningful relationships, they are repeating the cycle in which the way they grew not being able to improve because they didn’t know there was better.

I don’t want to live my life just trying to survive my families hurtful ways, having an outlined pattern of how I handle them through certain events of my life, being free to feel how I feel without someone thinking how they may use this against me. So I free myself from this myth knowing I am going to break a legacy of lies, hurt, and manipulation.

Advertisements

One comment on “The myth of motherly love

  • Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

    Google+ photo

    You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

    Connecting to %s

    %d bloggers like this: