Jealously and Guilt, who will I be and who I use to be.

Published January 11, 2013 by PeachyKeene

With realizing you will never have the mom you wished for in your own mom, you start to resent the sappy relationships on tv and in movies that show mom and daughter as best friends. You look around and you see other women with mom’s who just love their daughters and are being kind to them and you are reminded of the void you feel. Which don’t get me wrong I think it’s wonderful they have this relationship I wouldn’t wish this painful void on anyone. However it almost makes you want to ask the nice motherly figures in your life will you be my mom and if they said yes lay your head down in their lap and let them stroke your hair and tell you that part of your life of hurting is over.

I have many who would give me motherly love and would take on my relationship as mother and daughter as a blessing i.e. my step mom who I’ve had the pleasure of having in my life for a little over 10 years now. However the guilt I’d feel as if replacing my own mom and more so using my step mom for my own selfish needs makes me feel hollow. I don’t think I am ready for someone to fill her shoes especially better than she would fill them. However I let go of the notion of unfit jealously from my mother where I felt like she was going to strike me down for giving anyone recognition in my  life that they mean more to me than I ever did say. Instead of saying I am going to my dad’s and(my step mom’s name) I now say parents, if I said that before my mom would fly off into a rage, but I’ll be honest she has fit the role of a parent well.

I lived in my parents home when I returned from  a short stint of living in new york, it really helped for me to get to know my step mom as I was in my early 20’s when she married my father. Which honestly I got a sense of a warm loving environment when living there, at one time I moved out feeling depressed over certain things some I could explain and some I couldn’t. I was living on my own with my son and just being on our own I had this hallowed out shell of me where I was realizing there was something missing. My mother stood in my door way getting ready to leave after stopping by briefly and I said to her I feel like there is something wrong with me and I need help. My mother shrugged at me and said well when you get insurance go see a doctor which that would be another 2 months before I had insurance. So I was left alone to struggle with my emptiness and pain.

I did things I wasn’t proud of, I still feel shame over them, and I am not sure who I was trying to punish myself or her. I tried to fill the void I felt with buying myself stuff, buying gifts for others thinking that they would in deed love me then, and I went to town with my mother’s charge card. When she found out you could just imagine the rage she felt, my mother told me I would pay every dime I owe her until I did my son was going to stay with her, she said she’d spare me going to prison if I paid her back, but I was to accept all the possible overtime I could get and the only thing I would know was work and sleep until every last dime was paid. The only reason she didn’t have me locked up is because she knew I would send my son to live with my father and she’d have no one to manipulate.

The day I got confronted, I left my grandmother’s home with an even bigger void, no one cared or wondered if there was a more serious problem, as the days wore on, I began to feel more hopeless, depressed I just wanted an easy out, I was faced with passing my mom at work which just made the feeling worse. I eventually came to the end of my rope where I felt hopeless and as if life would never be better and contemplated killing myself. My mother called my father to tell him all the things I had done and said she is your daughter you do something about her all i know is if she doesn’t want to go to prison she better pay me back. My father asked me to come by his home, expecting him to be angry as well was surprised to see he was just concerned like he knew something was wrong, I admitted to my depression, suicidal thoughts, and hopelessly missing my child. He showed me what it meant to love unconditionally, they told me we’ll get you the help you need and demanded my mother return my son or he’d call the cops on her for kidnapping and he let her know his disgust over knowing your child is depressed and not getting her help. She of course tried to play she didn’t know and wanted to help.

Her idea of help is seriously misconstrued, she basically tagged along so she could steal my cell phone, call all our coworkers to tell them about me, and told my step mom stories about how I’ve always wanted all her boyfriends. When at the hospital my step mom got confused by medical staff to be my mom and they thought my mom was my step mother. My step mother hugged me and told me it was going to be better, while my mother insisted telling all the medical staff what a horrible person I am for what I did to her. In the days that followed my mom would phone the hospital just to argue, I blocked her from coming, and notorized a note for my parents to be primary caretakers of my son while I received help. When out I did work hard to pay my mom back, was going to counseling, which all of what I tried to do to make up for my mistake was overlooked she enjoyed too much making the wounds deeper. She thought my parents should treat me like a small child being grounded, i.e. go to bed early, no friends, no phone calls, just lay the law down to me.

My father refused told her it was his home, he will not do that and if anything I needed lots of loving supportive people. it got to where I wasn’t speaking to my mother’s family because none cared that I was depressed, their concern was how could they control me. One of the days she thought she could try to execute control over my life she showed up at the front door knocking, when no one answered the door she circulated the whole perimeter of our home banging on windows and was enraged when the cops were phoned insisting she was invited over there so my step mother could call the cops. I couldn’t get her to see that if she would have just went away when no one answered the door she wouldn’t have had a problem.

My mother keeps this  story banked in her memory of something to continually remind me of, it doesn’t matter that I paid her back, went through therapy to be a better person, and am not that person now. However her exaggerated version is I ran up 3 times the amount that I did, I never paid her back she just got done paying it off which it prevented her from being able to put a down payment on a house. When I went no contact with her she threaten to have me thrown into prison and tells others she should have done that in the first place because then it would be me begging to see my son not her. Before meeting my husband I was on a very self-destructive path, it was like he instantly knew it wasn’t really me that had the problems it was my mother, he is supportive and when I was still stumbling along trying to be better he recognized me, was there for me and never have I felt more loved. I’d like to think it was divine intervention.

Since meeting my husband, going through therapy, and changing the routine in my life I have found happiness for myself, self fulfillment. Which when my husband had his accident I think my mother thought of it as her opportunity to bring back the decay she fills my life with, she wants me to continue feeling rotten and unworthy, the only reason they aren’t as bad as they normally are is because they know he is watching them. However the experience with my husband had shown me I can never rely on them to understand, to always push and I don’t have the patience to babysit emotions and bad behavior especially through such a traumatic event. Which I can never expect my mom to forgive me for my past, if she hasn’t gotten over anything that has happened to her in life she won’t even forgive this, no matter what I try to rectify, no matter how many times I said sorry and truly meant it.

My husband tries to console the void I feel in these absent relationships by telling me I have his mom and his grandparents and that they love me, but it still never makes up for that feeling of never being good enough for the people who are supposed to love you. Will I ever find someone who I can love like a mom and she will love me just the same without feeling like I am living a lie? Is it ok to let go of what you don’t have with one person and try to find it with someone else? I have been contemplating a mother daughter lunch with my step mom, maybe  have her come this way so we can get chinese cause I am the only other person that eats it in her family and I know of a great chinese restraunt. I know in time I will figure this out, but to me the key is not to rush it because like in any other relationship you don’t want to lead a person on and set them up for hurt later and I am still trying to heal.

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