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All posts for the month February, 2013

And when the landslide doesn’t bring you down

Published February 16, 2013 by PeachyKeene

Whenever I don’t cave to my mom’s narcissistic needs she often quotes the lyrics from Fleetwood Mac’s landside….because I built my life around you is the line she often references and about how we both are getting older as if this is supposed to smooth over the anger I feel when she Infantalisation’s me. It has been 2 very powerful healing months, finally out of her radius I feel like for once I own my own emotions, free to express myself and as if my body is now rejecting a bad drug, I now purge her toxicity from my life and now seek a healthier life.

The text get frequent about every three days she tries texting me where she insist she loves me, wants me to come see her before I move (she is under the impression that I am leaving the state, just going somewhere else in town) however my biggest concern is she has formed an unhealthy obsession with my son where she is now plastering her Facebook with old photos of my son and 1 of me(from when I was 12) saying the way we were, texting me about how she will always love him, now she is vandalising my vehicle writing in black marker on the backs of my seat I love nana, leaving paper  as if my son wrote ” I ❤ nana I mis nana I can cul her nana xxx-xxx-xxxx” obviously i won’t post her number on a public blog. However  if she really expected me to believe my son did this why would you do something that would get him in trouble because regardless of how he felt there is no excuse for vandalising our vehicle, let alone just because he is autistic doesn’t mean he can’t spell and since he doesn’t use a phone and I dial for him there would be no way for him to know anyone’s number by heart.

Once again I wait to speak with the officer handling my harassment report to see what I can do, someone needs to help with this because if she goes to drastic extremes to harass us with no end in sight, no help, I will employ drastic measures to protect my family. I hope with voicing my fear of her kidnaping my son they will take my complaint more serious. All I can say she is incapable of logical thinking which makes her a threat to those who she has set her focus on. if she can’t leave us alone I imagine she will do almost anything to keep us in her sites, always thinking of her, but if she could only see the woman who has risen from the ash of us, she’d see how strong I am, how lethal I could be and how I will fight back, I will stand up for me because  I am worth it, my family is worth it, we all are. My weapon is to act like I don’t care, really I don’t I see her attempts as pathetic, I got all the things I wanted in life and without being a manipulative bitch riding on the backs of others, everything I have was derived from love. I learned from an early age what I didn’t what to be (like them) and suffered in silence as part of a mentally screwed up faucet striving for status and power, they often rubbed elbows with the big heads of this town and had hoped I would have married into one of the big names in this town.

So two months later, if anything I feel towards my mom, its anger, it use to be this sad empathetic to her frail being that always thought but that is my mom, I can’t do that….now i realize she is only thinking of herself and I need to do the same, I move forward and am angered by her constant interjection and treating me as a possession. my anger doesn’t rage over my life because I am not trapped by her attempts, I get over it as if only a minor annoyance because truly it is, I have the people I care about in my life and she has no one she will never be able to get the fill or supply she needs with those she has now. Therefore she needs me more than I could ever need her. I am free.

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Transitioning

Published February 6, 2013 by PeachyKeene

I wish I could say her attempts to contact me have stopped, but she tries once every few days to call or text. The police and courts I find to be useless. The only suggestion they offer is to change my number and if she shows to my door call the cops so they can place a no trespassing order against her. So I will change my number, but only after I move. She remains so unpredictable that if I did change it who knows what her next move will be.

I listen to her voice mails, where she sounds intoxicated, telling me how she found her glass angel I left in her van(she placed it by my husband’s bed when he was in the hospital) with pictures of my household and wanting to know what that meant. If I could answer I’d tell her it meant my husband  is loved and we wanted him to have pictures of us by his bedside. Everything as she processes it is in relation to her. Now I think she has run out of every other tactic and has sent me text telling me one day I will need her, that she still loves me, and she wish she could rewind time with us.

Some would say see your mom loves you! However none would question why it took her a few months to say that when a normal healthy person would have told you that the moment you needed to hear that, I started with telling her I loved her as I begged her to get help for her alcoholism and as my journey began trying to understand her behavior came to the full realization that my mother is a narcissist, she drug us down a very hard and hurtful path, she has tapped out every resource, no one that knows the 2 of us will align themselves with her, so she has pulled out her last-ditch effort, I still love you and a misconstrued phrase of sorry there is no rewind button on us.

Some may mistake this as she wants to change what happened, but for her to truly be sorry she would say I am sorry that I was so self-absorbed when your husband had his accident and did things that made your life more difficult, that I proceeded to try to get others to talk behind your back, however when she says there is no rewind button she is simply saying she wishes I would come back so she could have her narcissistic supply.

I often find myself talking back to her statements in my mind, as I don’t answer her, no attention is the best route to go. I just wanted to say back No I don’t need you and you expect me to believe you love me when it’s the first thing I said to you as I begged you to get help and it’s the last thing you said to me after you did all that you did, love is felt, not spoken.

Maybe one day I will get over her, where it won’t feel like I have a hole in my chest, the hardest thing for me is to be in a store where there are little nick knacks that say “world’s greatest mom” I find myself turning them around on the shelf because I just can’t stand to look at them, it’s just a reminder at a failed relationship I will never be able to fill, there are no new potential prospects for that relationship, it’s just a void.

So I wait for the next step in my life, something to put us one step further away from the person who tries to rob my family of happiness and a future of promise. When you watch this cycle, it feels like an overwhelming sad experience and realization that your sole purpose of why she had you was so you’d love her, but she never for a moment put into thought she’d need to love you in return.

This year after many realizations of who I was because of her and who I’d like to be, I’ve decided to set out and be that person. The idea is to not look back to where I am crippled with grief and unable to live the life I know i can have. I’m already on my first steps to having it and can’t wait to get started.