Transitioning

Published February 6, 2013 by PeachyKeene

I wish I could say her attempts to contact me have stopped, but she tries once every few days to call or text. The police and courts I find to be useless. The only suggestion they offer is to change my number and if she shows to my door call the cops so they can place a no trespassing order against her. So I will change my number, but only after I move. She remains so unpredictable that if I did change it who knows what her next move will be.

I listen to her voice mails, where she sounds intoxicated, telling me how she found her glass angel I left in her van(she placed it by my husband’s bed when he was in the hospital) with pictures of my household and wanting to know what that meant. If I could answer I’d tell her it meant my husband  is loved and we wanted him to have pictures of us by his bedside. Everything as she processes it is in relation to her. Now I think she has run out of every other tactic and has sent me text telling me one day I will need her, that she still loves me, and she wish she could rewind time with us.

Some would say see your mom loves you! However none would question why it took her a few months to say that when a normal healthy person would have told you that the moment you needed to hear that, I started with telling her I loved her as I begged her to get help for her alcoholism and as my journey began trying to understand her behavior came to the full realization that my mother is a narcissist, she drug us down a very hard and hurtful path, she has tapped out every resource, no one that knows the 2 of us will align themselves with her, so she has pulled out her last-ditch effort, I still love you and a misconstrued phrase of sorry there is no rewind button on us.

Some may mistake this as she wants to change what happened, but for her to truly be sorry she would say I am sorry that I was so self-absorbed when your husband had his accident and did things that made your life more difficult, that I proceeded to try to get others to talk behind your back, however when she says there is no rewind button she is simply saying she wishes I would come back so she could have her narcissistic supply.

I often find myself talking back to her statements in my mind, as I don’t answer her, no attention is the best route to go. I just wanted to say back No I don’t need you and you expect me to believe you love me when it’s the first thing I said to you as I begged you to get help and it’s the last thing you said to me after you did all that you did, love is felt, not spoken.

Maybe one day I will get over her, where it won’t feel like I have a hole in my chest, the hardest thing for me is to be in a store where there are little nick knacks that say “world’s greatest mom” I find myself turning them around on the shelf because I just can’t stand to look at them, it’s just a reminder at a failed relationship I will never be able to fill, there are no new potential prospects for that relationship, it’s just a void.

So I wait for the next step in my life, something to put us one step further away from the person who tries to rob my family of happiness and a future of promise. When you watch this cycle, it feels like an overwhelming sad experience and realization that your sole purpose of why she had you was so you’d love her, but she never for a moment put into thought she’d need to love you in return.

This year after many realizations of who I was because of her and who I’d like to be, I’ve decided to set out and be that person. The idea is to not look back to where I am crippled with grief and unable to live the life I know i can have. I’m already on my first steps to having it and can’t wait to get started.

 

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