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All posts for the month March, 2013

When it all began and not knowing how it will end

Published March 27, 2013 by PeachyKeene

Sometimes you spend so much time worrying about how your child will fair through this because for him this isn’t normal. My son growing up was very close to my mother. After my mother got over the shock of my pregnancy and refusal to get an abortion which I was 20 at the time, my mother eventually took me back into her home where we lived the first 4 years of  his life. I followed in her foot steps and went to nursing school and she constructed a plan for our life as if I was now and forever married to her,it consisted of education, hard work, and purchasing a home together.

Nothing is more depressing than someone who tries to plan your life without at least an opinion from you. I use to  be very close to my mom when growing up, but my senior year of high school it was like something snapped in her and she desperately tried all measures to keep me from leaving her. She fought with me constantly, dictated plans to me and if I tried to proceed with my own plans sited that I was her daughter as if property and she’d take me where she pleased, growing up I always felt like I didn’t know if I was going to have nice mommy or mean mommy, but it got worse when my impending independence from her was immanent. After graduating high school it wasn’t enough for me to call and leave her a message where I would be so she’d know I was safe (if I was going to be a little late coming home I’d call), if I didn’t come home when she wanted me to she’d go into a full on freak out paging me constantly (when pagers were ever so popular) and calling all my friends.

Which when I was 20 and met a guy my age my mother knew nothing about, it made the idea of a secret romance so appealing a place for me to escape my mom and her controlling ways. I got clever on how to avoid talking to her weeks on end, my mother an over night nurse, got home early in the morning and left late in the evening. I always made sure I appeared as if I was sleeping as she got home, If I left before she got there  she’d more than likely freak out, so at least if she saw me sleeping she knew I was safe, she’d try to wake me, but I would act like I was in a dead sleep, unable to wake , I’d wait for her to go to bed and as I heard her snore, I quietly got up and dressed and left for the day to not return until after she left for work. Sometimes there would be a change in her schedule and I’d be stuck having to talk to her. Which I felt like hiding from her all the time once this possessive controlling beast was born at the wake of my  senior year. The only true god send for my limited interaction is my mother loved making money so she always picked up an extra shift if someone asked her too.

Obviously my secret romance lead to my pregnancy with my son. Despite already knowing my family would be nasty to me, I was very excited about my pregnancy. In the beginning,  I was forced to take refuge in my father’s home, which is when I realized how much my dad really did love me and wasn’t the awful person my mom said he was. Once my mother’s family got over the fact that with or without their consent I was going to have my son, they immediately occupied the confines of my life as if they were accepting of it from the beginning, telling  me they couldn’t wait to hold the baby and began to buy things for him, the way my mother shopped you’d think he was hers, she even bought second hand baby furniture because she is cheap(I say this because she doesn’t like to spend a lot and even if it’s your money she doesn’t want you to spend your money either) the crib was missing parts and she thought she could just tie the rail on, I never let him sleep in it. Then as I would try to sleep she’d creep into my room to hold him, at first I thought maybe she would be a better grandma then she was a mom.

I went to college for my nursing degree with her help and as I began to feel as if I was drowning in my families expectations and plans I decided to move out of state to where my best friend moved and shared an apartment with her. I applied to get my nursing license for the state of new york, obtained my license, saved money, and I moved. I left my son with my father as I was to get established. I was there for a year and sadly not everything went as I had planned, my friend’s plans changed and it was undeniable I needed lots of help, my son was having to under go testing for developmental delay’s, so my mom offered to come help me move back, I told her I had the money and could do it and she insisted that I shouldn’t be on the road by myself with a baby. I came back to find she moved into a retirement community and now had a boyfriend. He turned out to be a bad influence, it was my son’s 6th birthday I realized she had a drinking problem, we went to sea world and she took advantage of the complimentary beer house, minus following the rules, guzzling down 8 beers in an hour.

Knowing I didn’t want to return to my mother’s home permanently, I stayed with my father’s family in the little camper trailer provided by fema after the 2004 hurricanes, until we retained a residence together. My son continued a relationship with his nana with lunch dates and occasional sleep overs, but as time progressed and her addiction to alcohol became severe her time spent with his became less and less. She no longer seemed like she truly cared. She’d make dates with my son then would be late, expecting my son to wait to eat while she finished mowing the lawn and needed to shower. As my wedding to my husband was approaching she insisted I call the wedding off and encouraged my son to lie and say my husband hits him.

All of these were moments leading up to the final straw in our relationship, the day I would cut her off, but my worst fear was as close as my son was to her growing up would he be able to cope with no longer having the relationship. I sat him down and spoke to him about his nana having problems we couldn’t help her with, that it was no ones fault, but because of her problems it made it unsafe for us to be around her and that she wanted to make us feel bad because she didn’t feel good about herself. He took the announcement well and when I questioned if he was upset, he told me “No”. I asked why? he said “because we don’t spend time together anymore anyhow!” It has been a blessing to know he will adjust from this, I on the other hand am an entirely different situation. Though my confidence and self esteem have been restored, it still doesn’t get rid of the feeling of being lost and not really knowing who you are. All things take time and this journey isn’t over yet.

The quiet before the storm

Published March 26, 2013 by PeachyKeene

I have spent the past few weeks settling into our new home that we are renting enjoying the sense of security we feel knowing she for the moment doesn’t know where we live and have had peace for nearly a month now as she has not texted or called us. Just as we were moving I went to the police to have them document and take my report of the vandalism done to my vehicle by her. With my husband being back to work since his accident and he works for the largest retailer of this town we knew it would only be a matter of time before she realized his return and tried to seek him out.

The first attempt was a result of him pretending not to see her and picking up pace as we walked through the store. Her second attempt her idea was to corner him by blocking the door he enters to his work area saying “we need to talk” my husband instructed her to move out of the way and she did so in a huff angry with his resistance to talk to her. Then after that incident she emailed me, her email showed her classic narcissistic traits where she blames and denies what she did and infantilizing  me. She still proceeds to use the same tactics I told her I would no longer tolerate and upon reading it, I laughed at how she could ever think this would work now, I get to have my life on my terms and I was for certain it wasn’t going to be under anyone’s thumb.

She is a product of a narcissistic mother who now repeats the same cycle as you will see in the email I am about to share, here she types…..

 

I HAVE NEVER BEAT YOU CHOKED YOU OR DONE ANYTHING TO YOU OR YOUR FAMILY THAT IS TRULEY UNFORGIVABLE SOMEHOW I FORGIVE MY MOTHER.SOMEHOW I HAVE FORGAVE YOU MANY THINGS I HAVE BEEN A GOOD MOTHER, A GOOD NANA, A GOOD DAUGHTER, A GOOD GRAND DAUGHTER, A GOOD FRIEND, A GOOD GIRLFRIEND TO MANY OF YOU, AND YES I HAVE MADE MISTAKES.I AM HUMAN..I NEVER CONSIDER NOT HAVING YOU ONE OF MY MISTAKES. . I HAVE HELPED YOU THRU SCHOOL. LOVED YOU SUPPORTED YOU, LOVED YOUR LITTLE BOY CAME AND GOT YOU TOOK YOU IN WHEN YOU SAID MOM I’m IN TROUBLE I NEED HELP.” AND YOU HAVE WITHHELD HIM FROM ME…MANY TIMES TO HURT ME.  WHEN YOU DO THIS YOU ALSO HURT HIM…HE AND I ARE CRAZY ABOUT EACH OTHER. OUR LAST CONVERSATION HE SAID, ”   NANA DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A BABY AND I WOULD COME IN YOUR ROOM AND TRY TO CRAWL IN YOUR BED AND I HAD FOOD ALL OVER ME AND YOU SAID , ” YOU HAVE A SPAGETTI FACE AND I GOT TO GIVE YOU A BATH THEN YOU PUT ME IN A T SHIRT AND PANTS (DIAPER) AND HELD ME IN YOUR BED, I WOULD PUT MY HEAD TO YOUR HEART AND COULD HEAR HOW MUCH YOU LOVED ME AND YOU SAID, ” I LOVE YOU SPAGETTI FACE FOREVER, YOU STILL LOVE ME LIKE THAT I CAN HEAR IT.” THEN HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT SNAKES AND ASKED IF I WAS TAKING HIM TO ST. CLOUD TO SEE THEM AND I SAID JUST HIM AND I, I WOULD GO, I WOULDNOT DRINK WITH HIM IN MY CAR.GOD SO MANY TIMES MUCH OF IT IS MY BOYFRIEND.. BUT YES YOU ARE RIGHT…I DRINK! VERY DEPRESSING TO WATCH YOUR BOYFIEND MAKE A MESS OF HIS LIFE WHEN HE HAD A GOOD JOB AND WE THOUGHT ABOUT MARRYING…VERY DEPRESSING TO WATCH YOUR BEST FRIENDOF 12 YRS END UP DEPRESSED AND END UP KILLING HERSELF. NONE TO TALK TO. I WATCHED MY GRANDMA DECLINE AND GOT BLAMED FOR IT. WORKED LIKE A DOG AND YOU DID TOO, MOM GOT 1/2 A MILLION AND HAS NO PLANS TO SHARE, CALLS ME CRACK WHITNEY THOUGH I HAVE NEVER TOUCHED IT, SAYS m
MY BOYFRIEND TOOK HER MONEY, I REMEMBER HER FINDING IT AND SPENDING IT ON THE WEST SIDE OF TOWN. WE BROKE HER TOILET, PUT PECKER TRACKS ALL OVER HER HOUSE…WE OWE HER THIS…WE OWE HER THAT!!!!  NO EVERYONE OWES ME!!!!!!! BUT YET I AM JUDGED RIDICULED..HATED..TOOK ADVANTAGE OF. GOD DID ANYONE IN THIS FAMILY LOVE ME BESIDES GRAM AND MY GRANDSON& BROTHER.  YOUNG LADY YOU ARE NOT MY EQUAL.  I GAVE YOU LIFE…I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I COULD..I LOVED YOU AS MUCH AS I COULD.I AM YOUR MOTHER BUT YOU HAVE DISOWNED ME AND REPLACED ME. YOU HAVE DIVORCED YOUR FAMILY FOR YOUR HUSBAND’S. YOU ARE CRUEL AND YOU MAKE ME CRY. I AM SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID BUT, I KNOW I ALSO WAS CRUEL NOT ONLY DID I CARE THAT YOUR SON NOT HAVE ROACHES IN HIS HOME..I WAS CONCERNED YOUR HUSBAND NOT HAVE ROACHES IN HIS HOME..WHILE HE RECOVERED.I WAS TRYING TO BUY YOU A PT CRUISER..YOUR SON LIKES THEM…BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. NOTHING BUT THE TOP OF THE LINE GAS GUZZLER WOULD DO. WHERE ARE MY TWO GRANDMAS RINGS AND MY OTHER HEWELRY AND MY BOYFRIENDS CAMERA…THAT IS SO PERSONAL THAT YOU WOULD NOT LET ME HAVE IT.. SO HURTFUL…IT MEANT SO MUCH TO ME. BUT YOUR SON MEANS MORE IF IT MEANT THE DIFFERANCE OF HIM DOING WITHOUT I WOULD TELL YOU TAKE EVERYTHING SELL IT AND MAKE HIS LIFE THE BEST. DIDNT THINK IT WOULD ME…HE NEVER GETS TO SEE ME AGAIN.  IAM SORRY BUT YES I WOULD RATHER BE IN A NURSING HOME INSTEAD OF BURDENING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WITH TAKING CARE OF ME AND I AM CONCERNED THAT YOUR LOVE FOR ME HAS LIMITS…YES SO MANY TIMES YOU LET ME SUFFER. I AM GETTING HELP, I HAVE ONLY MY BOYFRIEND SUPPORTING ME THRU THIS.HE IS WORKING HE GIVES ME HIS CHECKS, HE GOES TO THE STORE HE BRINGS ME RECEIPTS AND THE CHANGE. I HAVE CHECKED UP ON HIM AND HE IS NOT DOING THINGS HE SHOULD NOT. HE IS NOT CRACKING OUT , HE IS NOT CHEATING…YES HE DRINKS EVERY DAY. IM NOT DOING IT ANY MORE..DOES NOT AGREE WITH MY CHEMO. HAD THE SHAKES GOT OVER IT..GO TO YACHT CLUB FOR AA MEETINGS, HAVE FRIEND IN PARK WHO ALSO GOES…DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND..BUT HE GOES WITH ME..DRINKS LESS AND DOESNT TRY TO DO IT AROUND ME. I HAVE TO WORK FOR INSURANCE TO PAY. HE DRAWS MY BATH, RUBS MY FEET. POURS MY PAIN MEDS AND BP MEDS AND MAKES FOOD FOR ME. DOES THE DISHES AND THE YARD. ON MY DAYS OFF IF UP TO IT I DO THE OTHER STUFF AS MUCH AS I CAN. I HAVE NOT LET HIM TAKE DOWN THE CHRISTMAS TREE BECAUSE WE NEVER HAD CHRISTMAS..WHAT IS CHRISTMAS WITHOUT MY GRANDSON.  IF MY LIFE CONTINUES WITHOUT MY GRANDSON AND MOM CONTINUES TO BE CRUEL..MY BOYFRIEND AND I ARE SELLING EVERYTHING AND LEAVING TO GO TO MY BROTHER’S, MY BOYFRIEND CAN DRIVE TRUCKS THERE, MY FATHER WILL HELP HIM, THAT WAY MY BOYFRIEND CAN HAVE A FUTURE IN THE EVENT THAT MINE IS GONE. I HAVE HAD A HARD LIFE. MY MOM WAS A MEAN DRUNK.  WAS I EVER THAT TO YOU? I DONT THINK SO.I WAS VERY UPSET THAT YOU STAY HOME AND THE HOUSE WAS A MESS. YOUR FAMILY DESERVES BETTER. I GO OUT IN THIS MEAN WORLD AND FIGHT EVERY DAY..YOUR LUCKY YOUR HUSBAND DOESNT MAKE YOU. BOY YOUR DAD HE WORKED ME TO DEATH AND SOON I DID IT JUST FOR YOU AND ME.SORRY YOU MISSED ME AND SORRY LEFT YOU WITH MY MOMMY DEAREST.SHE THREW A BOOK AT YOU..YES SHE IS MEAN AND CRUEL AND NARCISITIC. SHE CHOKED ME DRUG ME OUT OF BED BY MY HAIRTHEN CHOPPED IT OFF, BEAT ME SENSELESS, CALLED ME A WHORE WHEN I WAS A VIRGIN..BROKE A MIRROR OVER MY HEAD, SO MANY TIMES LEFT ME BLOODY AND BRUISED. MADE BAD CHOICES WITH MEN WHO MOLESTED ME AND EITHER SHE DID NOT BELIEVE ME OR SHE SAID I ASKED FOR IT. OH GOD ..I AM SORRY ABOUT THE BOYFRIEND I HAD THAT MOLESTED YOU BUT I LOVED YOU, AND NEVER ONCE BLAMED YOU AND GOT US OUT OF IT ALMOST AT THE EXPENSE OF MY OWN LIFE. NOT YOURS. WHERE IS MY FAMILY? WHY DIDNT I HAVE MORE CHILDREN? AM I ALONE FOREVER.CAN YOU NOT FORGIVE ME? I HAVE BEEN A MESS ..I AM PUTTING MYSELF TOGETHER WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.EVERY TIME I DONT RESPECT MY LIFE.GOD CHALLENGESME AND MAKES ME FIGHT TO LIVE BUT I HAVE NO PLANS OF LEAVING THIS EARTH WITHOUT TELLING MY GRANDSON HOW MUCH HIS NANA LOVES HIM. YOU WANT TO PUT ME IN JAIL BECAUSE I CANT HELP THAT I LOVE HIM AND WANT HIM TO KNOW IT? I LOVED YOU JUST AS MUCH BUT I FEEL YOU HAVE SHOWED ME TIME AFTER TIME JUST HOW MUCH YOU DONT LOVE ME…I WOULD MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH FOR YOU…HAVE BEEN SLEEP DEPRIVED , HAVE PROVED MY LOVE TIME AFTER TIME. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW THE HEART ACHE OF HAVING A UNGRATEFUL , REBELLIOUS CHILD MAYBE.. YOUR SONS AUTISM MAKES HIM DIFFERENT. GOD HOW I WISH YOU HAD A KID WITH NO SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCE SO THAT YOU COULD SEE WHAQT IT IS LIKE TO BE ME.  I LOVE YOU …QUIT JUDGING ME, QUIT TREATING ME WITH SUCH CONTEMPT. TALK TO ME. PLEASE. LOVE, YOUR MOTHER.
The name’s from this letter have been replaced with the person who’s relation she is noting to protect my son’s identity and much of the circumstances surrounding this letter. To an outsider, she did a very good job painting me as some evil person that doesn’t love her mother, problem is I have loved my mother my whole life that I succeeded to live my life for myself and always tried to do whatever she asked with only allowing a few things in life be just for me and fought through great adversity to achieve them. She sites me as a ungrateful rebellious child though I am a woman in my mid 30’s, with a child who is just starting adolescence and is married. Her demanding email where she insist she deserves only the best of treatment outline her since of narcissistic entitlement.  Much of the circumstances surrounding this email have nothing to do with what she sited as the reason for our argument  but problems she tried insisting I was having and why I began to argue with her in the first place.
She didn’t want to acknowledge she was the problem, that her demanding my time and attention was what sent me on my need to cast her from my life as my husband was on the mend from a devastating car accident and needed me. She tried to act as if this one detrimental moment where my life was in disarray, I couldn’t find time to clean my home how I would normally living out of restraunts and laundry baskets, unable to call my apartment complex for minor issues that needed attention, do much of anything was a ridiculous concept to grasp as if my husband didn’t matter, because I am sure in her eyes he didn’t as she showed no empathy and 2 days into his hospitalization argued with me progressively. When it comes to the rest of the world it’s about who I am leaving her for, not just that I am leaving her. I now no I no longer feel quilt for wanting better or feeling wrong for it because she is my mom. I found peace with the situation, I wish I could help her find understanding, but there is no help for anyone to understand anything outside of them when they are so self absorbed, I get she doesn’t understand and I would like to help her with that, but I know I can’t as she is so self absorbed. I find that the most healing experience from this is being able to reach out and share with others our experiences. I hope with writing this I am able to help others see they are not alone.