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All posts for the month April, 2013

Obviously she didn’t get the memo

Published April 30, 2013 by PeachyKeene

This past week as I was waiting for my husband to get off of work from his usual late evening shift, he got in the vehicle, we took a moment to talk and completely caught off guard my narcissistic mother approached my vehicle saying “I’m sorry, I just want to talk to you.” Completely unable to receive the message that I didn’t want to talk to her that I told her via email, took the opportunity to relocate without her knowledge of where I moved to, and changed my number… the idea of me moving on without her seems to impossible for her to grasp.

I quickly put my vehicle in reverse to move out of the parking space and then in drive as I sped off quickly from the parking lot, I continually studied my rear view mirror to ensure I wasn’t being followed. Once again she stood their playing the martyr, gas lighting me into believing she was sorely misunderstood and I was the one who had the facts wrong. I tried to imagine how that conversation would of went if I didn’t have the option to immediately dis-burst myself from the situation, that I would keep grasping at my reasons for saying it was over and she would tell me she never did that or said that, how i took her wrong, and soon after having me repent for me casting her aside.

However the thing we have to remember is it isn’t our place to keep explaining it, they don’t get it because they don’t want to, unless it’s something they want to hear they never will, they are very much like the 5 year old child who first throws a temper tantrum and when they see that doesn’t work try to be the sweet child to get what they want and when mom is firm on her no they resort back to being an awful child and the cycle repeats over and over again until it is either forgotten about or their mother caves.

Don’t feel obligated to give the narcissist in your life a reason, You shouldn’t say anything to them other than leave me alone, realize when you acknowledge the very thing they want to discuss, you are validating them, wither with anger or concern over the situation the fact that you acknowledge the discussion you give them hope to be able to force their way back into your life. It’s hard not to want to explain to someone who doesn’t get it, but it’s like any other conversation with a small child where you have to explain what each word means and they get lost in you explaining each word, you keep going into depth of the actions they do that bother you, but they don’t understand how that made you derive the decision to disown them.

Sometimes I feel like the only way my life will be close to how I hoped is if I packed my bags and left this town, left them, but to me that seems crazy when there are so many people here that i do love like my fathers family, my husband’s family, and a lot of my friends. However if I stay that means I have to live with the police on speed dial because she is not accepting the boundaries I set and thinks giving birth to me gives her every right to be the way she is to me. Every time I even reflect on the past I have new understandings of the situation settle in me, helping me to not fall for her martyr routine. I have told myself not to explain to her as my words fall on deaf ears and not to be concerned with others opinions of me they are not my business anyhow and anyone who dares to come up to share them with me I am going to tell them to get away from me. The only opinion that matters is your own and allowing these people around you casting judgement is like giving them entitlement over your own thoughts, well being, and self. Never give anyone the power to tear you down.The only people that have that power are the ones you love and if they love you, they aren’t going to take the opportunity to hurt you just because they can, people will always do bad things even to the ones they love, however only you know if that relationship is healthy generally by the way you feel when around that person.

I can always hope that each failed attempt on her part to find a way back into my life sends the message that she is not wanted here, but I am afraid she will never get it because she refuses to accept it. One day I hope to discuss this subject as if I were having an out of body experience, that this experience is such a distant memory, that it seems like someone else lived it.

Cleaning up after the train wreck

Published April 18, 2013 by PeachyKeene

As you begin to process all you’ve been through, knowing it wasn’t imagined, you confronted your tormentor and still they deny all that has happened( no surprise there.) you get caught up looking at the train wreck of this shattered relationship, each event like a witness who saw it happen differently as you begin to process what really happened there. You loose sight of the goal to clean the site up because there is no going back to keep it from happening in the first place. You sometimes get so caught up at looking at it, you forget to make this place better than how it is now.

I finally said what I needed to say to my mom even if she was to narcissistic to understand or even care about others. I said it and of course she denied and sobbed into my voice mail about herself and my cruelty, my app only did it’s job half way giving her the option to actually fill my voice mail full of her narcissistic rants. I gave up on trusting apps to keep her out and did the next best notion of changing my number. She took to online media to gaslight the situation and I decided to focus on myself, to do things that make me feel better about myself.

My whole life from about age 10 and up I have suffered from obesity, I prior to my husbands accident was keeping a food journal and counted calories in attempts to loose weight I was doing great as I lost 30lbs in a 4 month time period. However I let stress get the best of me and did stress eating. I packed on half of what I lost in the last 4 months. I decided it was time to work back on my goal, not allow others to add to my stress. So my goal is to work on things I want, replace the time delegated to my mother to the things I’ve wanted for my own home and self. Sometimes it’s the small goals we set for ourselves that will lead to bigger steps towards healing.

It’s not always easy overcoming these things, but if we absolve to be better, not to repeat history, to find a healthy love for ourselves and to love others we are going to learn key elements to our own survival. Don’t feel consumed with your hatred for them and the way they treated you, remember someone in their past may of robbed them of the healing process you decided to take, they let others monopolize them, they let their sense of loyalty to hold them where they are at instead of seeking out a better life for themselves, and in turn turned into the very person they felt tormented by.

The one thing that matters is there is hope for you, just whatever it is you decide to do for yourself make sure it is something that doesn’t mean you must rely on someone else to supply the source of happiness you’d like to feel. Let it be something you can feel pride in yourself wither people notice what you did or not.

All you want is a nurturer

Published April 9, 2013 by PeachyKeene

When my husband came into my life, he

also came with a lot of new friendships. One of them being a guy about 10 years younger than I who spent a majority of his childhood in foster care. The more I got to know him and become a friend to him, I noticed he had a very affectionate side where he often hugged. He eventually told me I reminded him of his birth mother whom he misses and he would try to lay his head in my lap as I sat on the couch. Which I felt most awkward about, as there are always stigmatas of others who are not your significant other getting close to you. In fact my mother witnessed him hugging me one time while my fiance was at work and immediately assumed I was cheating on him (nice to know that is how she thinks of you). I even tried to explain to her growing up in foster care makes you want affection and that he even hugs my fiance, but felt relieved that she didn’t see the one thing he did to me and no one else which was curl up like a little boy and place his head in my lap.

 

I never understood it and tried telling him just how wrong it was, but now I wonder how wrong is it? My first notion when I started to come apart at the seems pulling away from this toxic mother is I wanted someone to take over the role of nurturer, I wanted to go lay my head in my step mothers lap, have her stroke my hair ,and tell me she loved me as if I was her daughter.You never realize how important the role of a mother is when you don’t have one who truly loves you, there is this void, and when you see other mother daughter relationships that are good and healthy you feel jealous.

 

Now I wonder, do you ever overcome this feeling? Is it wrong to let someone take over this missing hole in your life especially when you love them as such? My mother tried spending all of her life lying to me about others including my step mom and I figured she did this because she saw someone who would undermine her authoritive control. Before I ever met my husband I had been depressed so much so I was admitted to the hospital, it was my mother and step mother who brought me in, most of the staff there because of both of their responses mixed up who was my mother and who was my step mother. My mother tried to complain about me to any medical personnel that came in the room while my step mother hugged me and told me it’d be ok they were there for me and would glance over at my mother and tell her to stop telling others family matters. It only made sense that the medical staff there saw my step mother as my mother, though a woman who came into my life at adulthood she immediately welcomed me into her life and saw me as her daughter.

I do think of her as my mom, but it has always been hard to give her that title, I have always called her by her name to spare my mother the jealousy she would loom at me, she has always cautiously bought mother daughter gifts knowing my mother would zoom into a jealousy saying to me “you are my daughter, not hers” instead of being happy that I gained the love of my father’s wife. I accepted her gifts, but never displayed them where my mother could see because of fear of her jealousy. Which when this all began, me walking away from my mother, the toxicity, the way I knew she reached the end of her rope to everyone she could reach out to she eventually emailed my step mother insisting that they had to do something about me and just like everyone else they shut her down.

One day I may feel comfortable uttering the words, maybe one day it will slip out purely by accident, but with true meaning, when my heart no longer lives in fear to love others and say everything that is in my heart, the best I’ve managed was to tell her how grateful I am she came into my life, she now holds me longer when she hugs me.

Reoccurring Nightmare

Published April 8, 2013 by PeachyKeene

It seems whenever I decide to deal with certain issues pertaining to my narcissistic family I always have the same reoccurring nightmare where I woke from a slumber to find myself  in the home of either my grandmother or my mother and am desperately trying to find a way out of there without them knowing I was there in the first place. I always awake in the tip toeing escape, but this time it was different. I was dreaming as if I almost was willingly some place with my grandmother discussing my mother’s actions as if to tell her why I didn’t want them in my life, she of course tried to shush me concerned over the fact of worrying what other’s would think and try to avoid all embarrassment if she could. I didn’t respond to her shush, I kept talking, and told her  all that I needed to as if she better listen or she was going to miss the message.

 

I hope the message behind the new dream is I will never be trapped in their prison again, but it more than likely means I fear ever being like this again. If it were possible to use dreams to build the confidence and self assertiveness we needed in the real world, I could imagine a thousands angles to work my dreams like magic to show myself what I already subconsciously know they only have as much power as I give them. Maybe the reason for my nightmares is to remind myself not to be trapped by them again.

I think the best I could hope for at this point to help with the day I run into them in public is not to view her as my mother, but an obsessive crazy person. Whenever she tells me how dare I that she is my mother, reintegrate no you are a controlling bully, making good of my acknowledgement of that , I take away the power she tries to regain over me. I hope one day she will be a distant thought far from my mind and no longer a nightmare I have to worry about.

Now I get to tell her

Published April 8, 2013 by PeachyKeene

So as mentioned my mother e mailed me to tell me how horrible this was that I wasn’t talking to her and outline the good mother she was as she infantilized me demanding I repent for my bad behavior towards her. With these few months I took to heal, I did something I never thought I would do, I told her what she does that is so terrible, rejected her infantilizing me, and finally told her I didn’t want a relationship with her. When I first walked away I told her to get help and quit talking to her, I really had thought I could have the relationship with my mom if she quit drinking, however seeing her behavior after our argument, it being exactly as atrocious as it had been in any other life event, I started questioning her actions and seeking answers. At first I didn’t believe she was a narcissist because my grandma was much worse, I honestly think that a person who is truly a narcissist only gets worse in their narcissism over the years.

When reviewing articles, webpages, and books I began to realize she was, and without having healthy normal relationships you are doomed to repeat the cycle eventually becoming a narcissist yourself, because behind every narcissist is an extremely low self esteem and mine only suffered minimal damage, because my mother worked and I refused to be left in my grandmother’s care, in fact I remember I lived with my grandmother for one school year when I was 14 cause she insisted me being home alone would result in me being a teen mom. Her controlling manipulation would drive me over the edge, as I approached my 15th birthday, I gave my mom an ultimatum either get me out of her house and be back with you or I am going to go live with my father, they didn’t want this as it meant surrendering right to tell me what to do. My mother lied about the shift she took at her new job and I came home, just as my mother was my bully her mom was her bully (mine too).

So here is what I emailed her in response to her email that was titled we need to talk this is terrible(which the subject may be found in a previous post) please note I changed names to protect the identity of others….

No what is terrible is a mother who lies, talks bad about you to others, can’t support you through emotionally challenging times and in fact finds it her golden opportunity to be mean and say horrible things like while my husband is in a coma that I am going to hell or when I was getting help for my depression to tell my therapist that I enjoyed being molested, pick on me for being fat by squeezing my stomach, having a mom who is so self centered she thinks the world owes her, she never forgives, and thinks the world should care about her issues instead of their loved one that nearly died, you act as if you are entitled and more important, you’re jealous and competitive even with me, very vindictive and unforgiving, You are childish , you vandalize my property, Trash talk me on a public forum, possessive, trying to trash talk others I care about hoping to put a wedge between us, attention seeking, you act as if I owe you for being born even though I didn’t ask to be born, I wasn’t created out of love but something you could pass through to escape your mom, you always have strings attached to anything you ever give me, and you gaslight me all the time. You Objectify me, I could go on forever about the toxicity of my relationship with you and you are an alcoholic. This only covers some of the things I had to endure growing up with you.

 
You are toxic for My Son and I. My Husband’s accident made me have to pay attention to things I often ignored. I’ve done nothing, but read and try to understand why our relationship is like this, why you are like this to me because I know it’s not normal or even right. With everything I read I realized history has repeated it self, you are a narcissist to, someone broke her and she broke you, and I refuse to be in that chain  of hurtful relationships because I want better for My Son and any children I may have in the future. I want what is normal and healthy, to be able to give that to my children instead of leaving them with a feeling of no self worth. It hurts to say it, but there will never be better for us, this is as good as it gets, completely toxic, and loosing myself to keep you happy, so I can’t stay, I love you , but I can’t do this anymore. I just want you to go away and yes if you don’t leave us alone the law will be involved every step of the way.
 
When I asked you to get help and quit talking to you so I could focus on my household, you aggressively stalked and harassed my family. I wondered what kind of adult does this? You added undue stress to My Husband’s  recovery process. He also has expressed to me that he doesn’t want you seeking him out as well. Your attempts to get your messages across to me and My Son have only terrified him. He wants to know why his nana would write on the inside of our SUV as if she were him trying to get him in trouble.
 
You no longer will talk down to me, this is my life, and I will live it my way, and I am your equal, I am an adult with my own home and family, I do not accept the way you talk to me. I am not a child rebelling  I am an adult telling you to quit being a controlling bully.Which your comment about wishing My Son was normal so I would know what it’s like like to have a child like me would only constitute I’d have to be a parent like you, remember everyone plays an equal part in this and it’s the parents who are suppose to know better so their children can be better.
 
This is my fair well, leave my family alone, may one day you realize the gravity of your actions, you need not worry about My Son he is happy.
I imagine it will send her off into a full narcissist rage where she will attempt to tell me off for talking that way to my mother, but for me it’s proof of how she is and she’ll probably gaslight me and insist it never was the way I remember it, just like her mom does to her. For me to write this to her it proves to me how far I’ve come, I never dare told my mom that the things she does are horrible, I endured it, well she reminded me of every awful thing I done. The best part is all my stories I will hear about from when I was little will be ones of the cute things I did since the only parent in my life will be my father. It may seem silly to some, but I actually have cried tears of joy over meeting my husband’s family, they are loving and forgiving, and at first it was a shock to the system, but now it feels like this incredible gift that I received to know unconditional love, which my father has always loved me unconditionally, but my mother did things to ensure I never knew the magnitude of his love and  she played him off as a selfish man. I never understood how he felt about me till I had grown up and needed someone to be there for me when my mother wouldn’t be. My mother tries to blame it on her anger and disappointment, but truthfully it’s just anger over not getting what she wanted.

To my heros

Published April 6, 2013 by PeachyKeene

I use to think I would always be trapped in my family who thought I was clay to mold, never finding love I ached for as a child, leaving myself behind to fulfill their wishes. I also wondered who would put up with my neurotic actions to put up walls and never tell a soul how I felt for fear of letting anyone know I am hurt. Despite our troubled journey’s  through life, I feel like sometimes the people you meet in this life are here to save you especially when the history of your family has repeated bad damaging behavior for more than one generation in your family. Maybe that is my fantasy to believe, is somewhere there are people meant to enter your life to save you.

The first person that came to my rescue I had met in the middle of my 8th grade year, a city girl from Miami, Fl and before Miami she came from NYC. Her mom was trying to get her away from city life and transplanted her into the small town in which I grew up. The first day she walked into that class I was immediately intrigued, I wanted to say Hi, but my transition into junior high was rocky and I was horribly shy. I must of starred at her all through class, nearly giving her a complex until I let off a smile. The next day I worked up courage to say hi and our friendship took off instantly as she lived close by and we had plenty of opportunity to hang out.

Her tough new york girl attitude caught on quickly as she would say to me, don’t ever take crap off of anyone else you have enough of your own, as she taught me to stick up for myself, I at least learned not to be a door mat for the kids at school, my family was an entirely different issue, it often felt like a double life, who I really was at school and around friends, and who my family wanted me to be when I was with them.

My courage to stand up for myself at least on important issues came around as I entered adulthood, but I couldn’t imagine being able to do half of what I done had she not encouraged me to see that this was my life. Still apprehensive,  guarded ,and caged I use to wonder if I’d ever met a guy who could handle my neurotic behavior as I put up my guard. Instead of talking when angry, hurt, or upset , I’d withdraw into my own little world as most of my family didn’t care to know how I felt, so I’d go hide with my emotions.

The second person to enter my life and finish the process of breaking down my prison walls is now my husband. When I first met him, I was dating his friend who was an absolute jerk on a wide scale, everyone was a pawn to get what he wanted, their friendship was over before my relationship was even done. I felt spent and ended it quickly, never forgetting his friend as there was almost an instant attraction between us the first time we met, we started off friends and soon after were dating.

From him I learned to forgive the past, it’s not a score sheet ,we all mess up, that he’d always be there for me, and that I needed to learn to communicate. Often when I found myself upset or angry with him I’d storm off to our room and lock the door behind me, wanting to shut him out, he’d rattle the door handle and bang on the door until I opened the door to let him in, he’d ask me to explain why I was upset, and almost if some weird reality was happening tears would gush and I’d tell him, he never let me run away and always pushed me to open up, when dealing with some of my depression I was in therapy and he attended with me, the more he entered my life the more love and support I began to feel. I never had that with anyone I dated, I knew it was love and that you don’t let go of.

From Each I learned a valuable lesson, they saved me from a legacy of self centeredness , I wasn’t to repeat history, to bring light to others lifes instead of darkness, but most importantly to grow as a person, and find what fulfills me in life.