This past week as I was waiting for my husband to get off of work from his usual late evening shift, he got in the vehicle, we took a moment to talk and completely caught off guard my narcissistic mother approached my vehicle saying “I’m sorry, I just want to talk to you.” Completely unable to receive the message that I didn’t want to talk to her that I told her via email, took the opportunity to relocate without her knowledge of where I moved to, and changed my number… the idea of me moving on without her seems to impossible for her to grasp.
I quickly put my vehicle in reverse to move out of the parking space and then in drive as I sped off quickly from the parking lot, I continually studied my rear view mirror to ensure I wasn’t being followed. Once again she stood their playing the martyr, gas lighting me into believing she was sorely misunderstood and I was the one who had the facts wrong. I tried to imagine how that conversation would of went if I didn’t have the option to immediately dis-burst myself from the situation, that I would keep grasping at my reasons for saying it was over and she would tell me she never did that or said that, how i took her wrong, and soon after having me repent for me casting her aside.
However the thing we have to remember is it isn’t our place to keep explaining it, they don’t get it because they don’t want to, unless it’s something they want to hear they never will, they are very much like the 5 year old child who first throws a temper tantrum and when they see that doesn’t work try to be the sweet child to get what they want and when mom is firm on her no they resort back to being an awful child and the cycle repeats over and over again until it is either forgotten about or their mother caves.
Don’t feel obligated to give the narcissist in your life a reason, You shouldn’t say anything to them other than leave me alone, realize when you acknowledge the very thing they want to discuss, you are validating them, wither with anger or concern over the situation the fact that you acknowledge the discussion you give them hope to be able to force their way back into your life. It’s hard not to want to explain to someone who doesn’t get it, but it’s like any other conversation with a small child where you have to explain what each word means and they get lost in you explaining each word, you keep going into depth of the actions they do that bother you, but they don’t understand how that made you derive the decision to disown them.
Sometimes I feel like the only way my life will be close to how I hoped is if I packed my bags and left this town, left them, but to me that seems crazy when there are so many people here that i do love like my fathers family, my husband’s family, and a lot of my friends. However if I stay that means I have to live with the police on speed dial because she is not accepting the boundaries I set and thinks giving birth to me gives her every right to be the way she is to me. Every time I even reflect on the past I have new understandings of the situation settle in me, helping me to not fall for her martyr routine. I have told myself not to explain to her as my words fall on deaf ears and not to be concerned with others opinions of me they are not my business anyhow and anyone who dares to come up to share them with me I am going to tell them to get away from me. The only opinion that matters is your own and allowing these people around you casting judgement is like giving them entitlement over your own thoughts, well being, and self. Never give anyone the power to tear you down.The only people that have that power are the ones you love and if they love you, they aren’t going to take the opportunity to hurt you just because they can, people will always do bad things even to the ones they love, however only you know if that relationship is healthy generally by the way you feel when around that person.
I can always hope that each failed attempt on her part to find a way back into my life sends the message that she is not wanted here, but I am afraid she will never get it because she refuses to accept it. One day I hope to discuss this subject as if I were having an out of body experience, that this experience is such a distant memory, that it seems like someone else lived it.