I use to think I would always be trapped in my family who thought I was clay to mold, never finding love I ached for as a child, leaving myself behind to fulfill their wishes. I also wondered who would put up with my neurotic actions to put up walls and never tell a soul how I felt for fear of letting anyone know I am hurt. Despite our troubled journey’s through life, I feel like sometimes the people you meet in this life are here to save you especially when the history of your family has repeated bad damaging behavior for more than one generation in your family. Maybe that is my fantasy to believe, is somewhere there are people meant to enter your life to save you.
The first person that came to my rescue I had met in the middle of my 8th grade year, a city girl from Miami, Fl and before Miami she came from NYC. Her mom was trying to get her away from city life and transplanted her into the small town in which I grew up. The first day she walked into that class I was immediately intrigued, I wanted to say Hi, but my transition into junior high was rocky and I was horribly shy. I must of starred at her all through class, nearly giving her a complex until I let off a smile. The next day I worked up courage to say hi and our friendship took off instantly as she lived close by and we had plenty of opportunity to hang out.
Her tough new york girl attitude caught on quickly as she would say to me, don’t ever take crap off of anyone else you have enough of your own, as she taught me to stick up for myself, I at least learned not to be a door mat for the kids at school, my family was an entirely different issue, it often felt like a double life, who I really was at school and around friends, and who my family wanted me to be when I was with them.
My courage to stand up for myself at least on important issues came around as I entered adulthood, but I couldn’t imagine being able to do half of what I done had she not encouraged me to see that this was my life. Still apprehensive, guarded ,and caged I use to wonder if I’d ever met a guy who could handle my neurotic behavior as I put up my guard. Instead of talking when angry, hurt, or upset , I’d withdraw into my own little world as most of my family didn’t care to know how I felt, so I’d go hide with my emotions.
The second person to enter my life and finish the process of breaking down my prison walls is now my husband. When I first met him, I was dating his friend who was an absolute jerk on a wide scale, everyone was a pawn to get what he wanted, their friendship was over before my relationship was even done. I felt spent and ended it quickly, never forgetting his friend as there was almost an instant attraction between us the first time we met, we started off friends and soon after were dating.
From him I learned to forgive the past, it’s not a score sheet ,we all mess up, that he’d always be there for me, and that I needed to learn to communicate. Often when I found myself upset or angry with him I’d storm off to our room and lock the door behind me, wanting to shut him out, he’d rattle the door handle and bang on the door until I opened the door to let him in, he’d ask me to explain why I was upset, and almost if some weird reality was happening tears would gush and I’d tell him, he never let me run away and always pushed me to open up, when dealing with some of my depression I was in therapy and he attended with me, the more he entered my life the more love and support I began to feel. I never had that with anyone I dated, I knew it was love and that you don’t let go of.
From Each I learned a valuable lesson, they saved me from a legacy of self centeredness , I wasn’t to repeat history, to bring light to others lifes instead of darkness, but most importantly to grow as a person, and find what fulfills me in life.