So as mentioned my mother e mailed me to tell me how horrible this was that I wasn’t talking to her and outline the good mother she was as she infantilized me demanding I repent for my bad behavior towards her. With these few months I took to heal, I did something I never thought I would do, I told her what she does that is so terrible, rejected her infantilizing me, and finally told her I didn’t want a relationship with her. When I first walked away I told her to get help and quit talking to her, I really had thought I could have the relationship with my mom if she quit drinking, however seeing her behavior after our argument, it being exactly as atrocious as it had been in any other life event, I started questioning her actions and seeking answers. At first I didn’t believe she was a narcissist because my grandma was much worse, I honestly think that a person who is truly a narcissist only gets worse in their narcissism over the years.
When reviewing articles, webpages, and books I began to realize she was, and without having healthy normal relationships you are doomed to repeat the cycle eventually becoming a narcissist yourself, because behind every narcissist is an extremely low self esteem and mine only suffered minimal damage, because my mother worked and I refused to be left in my grandmother’s care, in fact I remember I lived with my grandmother for one school year when I was 14 cause she insisted me being home alone would result in me being a teen mom. Her controlling manipulation would drive me over the edge, as I approached my 15th birthday, I gave my mom an ultimatum either get me out of her house and be back with you or I am going to go live with my father, they didn’t want this as it meant surrendering right to tell me what to do. My mother lied about the shift she took at her new job and I came home, just as my mother was my bully her mom was her bully (mine too).
So here is what I emailed her in response to her email that was titled we need to talk this is terrible(which the subject may be found in a previous post) please note I changed names to protect the identity of others….
No what is terrible is a mother who lies, talks bad about you to others, can’t support you through emotionally challenging times and in fact finds it her golden opportunity to be mean and say horrible things like while my husband is in a coma that I am going to hell or when I was getting help for my depression to tell my therapist that I enjoyed being molested, pick on me for being fat by squeezing my stomach, having a mom who is so self centered she thinks the world owes her, she never forgives, and thinks the world should care about her issues instead of their loved one that nearly died, you act as if you are entitled and more important, you’re jealous and competitive even with me, very vindictive and unforgiving, You are childish , you vandalize my property, Trash talk me on a public forum, possessive, trying to trash talk others I care about hoping to put a wedge between us, attention seeking, you act as if I owe you for being born even though I didn’t ask to be born, I wasn’t created out of love but something you could pass through to escape your mom, you always have strings attached to anything you ever give me, and you gaslight me all the time. You Objectify me, I could go on forever about the toxicity of my relationship with you and you are an alcoholic. This only covers some of the things I had to endure growing up with you.
You are toxic for My Son and I. My Husband’s accident made me have to pay attention to things I often ignored. I’ve done nothing, but read and try to understand why our relationship is like this, why you are like this to me because I know it’s not normal or even right. With everything I read I realized history has repeated it self, you are a narcissist to, someone broke her and she broke you, and I refuse to be in that chain of hurtful relationships because I want better for My Son and any children I may have in the future. I want what is normal and healthy, to be able to give that to my children instead of leaving them with a feeling of no self worth. It hurts to say it, but there will never be better for us, this is as good as it gets, completely toxic, and loosing myself to keep you happy, so I can’t stay, I love you , but I can’t do this anymore. I just want you to go away and yes if you don’t leave us alone the law will be involved every step of the way.
When I asked you to get help and quit talking to you so I could focus on my household, you aggressively stalked and harassed my family. I wondered what kind of adult does this? You added undue stress to My Husband’s recovery process. He also has expressed to me that he doesn’t want you seeking him out as well. Your attempts to get your messages across to me and My Son have only terrified him. He wants to know why his nana would write on the inside of our SUV as if she were him trying to get him in trouble.
You no longer will talk down to me, this is my life, and I will live it my way, and I am your equal, I am an adult with my own home and family, I do not accept the way you talk to me. I am not a child rebelling I am an adult telling you to quit being a controlling bully.Which your comment about wishing My Son was normal so I would know what it’s like like to have a child like me would only constitute I’d have to be a parent like you, remember everyone plays an equal part in this and it’s the parents who are suppose to know better so their children can be better.
This is my fair well, leave my family alone, may one day you realize the gravity of your actions, you need not worry about My Son he is happy.
I imagine it will send her off into a full narcissist rage where she will attempt to tell me off for talking that way to my mother, but for me it’s proof of how she is and she’ll probably gaslight me and insist it never was the way I remember it, just like her mom does to her. For me to write this to her it proves to me how far I’ve come, I never dare told my mom that the things she does are horrible, I endured it, well she reminded me of every awful thing I done. The best part is all my stories I will hear about from when I was little will be ones of the cute things I did since the only parent in my life will be my father. It may seem silly to some, but I actually have cried tears of joy over meeting my husband’s family, they are loving and forgiving, and at first it was a shock to the system, but now it feels like this incredible gift that I received to know unconditional love, which my father has always loved me unconditionally, but my mother did things to ensure I never knew the magnitude of his love and she played him off as a selfish man. I never understood how he felt about me till I had grown up and needed someone to be there for me when my mother wouldn’t be. My mother tries to blame it on her anger and disappointment, but truthfully it’s just anger over not getting what she wanted.