When my husband came into my life, he
also came with a lot of new friendships. One of them being a guy about 10 years younger than I who spent a majority of his childhood in foster care. The more I got to know him and become a friend to him, I noticed he had a very affectionate side where he often hugged. He eventually told me I reminded him of his birth mother whom he misses and he would try to lay his head in my lap as I sat on the couch. Which I felt most awkward about, as there are always stigmatas of others who are not your significant other getting close to you. In fact my mother witnessed him hugging me one time while my fiance was at work and immediately assumed I was cheating on him (nice to know that is how she thinks of you). I even tried to explain to her growing up in foster care makes you want affection and that he even hugs my fiance, but felt relieved that she didn’t see the one thing he did to me and no one else which was curl up like a little boy and place his head in my lap.
I never understood it and tried telling him just how wrong it was, but now I wonder how wrong is it? My first notion when I started to come apart at the seems pulling away from this toxic mother is I wanted someone to take over the role of nurturer, I wanted to go lay my head in my step mothers lap, have her stroke my hair ,and tell me she loved me as if I was her daughter.You never realize how important the role of a mother is when you don’t have one who truly loves you, there is this void, and when you see other mother daughter relationships that are good and healthy you feel jealous.
Now I wonder, do you ever overcome this feeling? Is it wrong to let someone take over this missing hole in your life especially when you love them as such? My mother tried spending all of her life lying to me about others including my step mom and I figured she did this because she saw someone who would undermine her authoritive control. Before I ever met my husband I had been depressed so much so I was admitted to the hospital, it was my mother and step mother who brought me in, most of the staff there because of both of their responses mixed up who was my mother and who was my step mother. My mother tried to complain about me to any medical personnel that came in the room while my step mother hugged me and told me it’d be ok they were there for me and would glance over at my mother and tell her to stop telling others family matters. It only made sense that the medical staff there saw my step mother as my mother, though a woman who came into my life at adulthood she immediately welcomed me into her life and saw me as her daughter.
I do think of her as my mom, but it has always been hard to give her that title, I have always called her by her name to spare my mother the jealousy she would loom at me, she has always cautiously bought mother daughter gifts knowing my mother would zoom into a jealousy saying to me “you are my daughter, not hers” instead of being happy that I gained the love of my father’s wife. I accepted her gifts, but never displayed them where my mother could see because of fear of her jealousy. Which when this all began, me walking away from my mother, the toxicity, the way I knew she reached the end of her rope to everyone she could reach out to she eventually emailed my step mother insisting that they had to do something about me and just like everyone else they shut her down.
One day I may feel comfortable uttering the words, maybe one day it will slip out purely by accident, but with true meaning, when my heart no longer lives in fear to love others and say everything that is in my heart, the best I’ve managed was to tell her how grateful I am she came into my life, she now holds me longer when she hugs me.