So I’ve been away from my blog post for awhile. We are starting to wrap up a summer break here and get ready for back to school. I am feeling better and stronger every day. In fact I think I have surprised my friends and family surrounding me. As per usual my mother has surfaced in many of my family and friends life’ s in one way or another, mostly e mail. After such a great deal of time passing and she surfaced with yet another attempt I was surely anger at first, but then I learned to get better control over my emotions. Just at the start of spring a box of clothing surfaced on my husband’s aunts door step. She called me immediately to ask if I left it, then later she found a note she swears to me wasn’t there before scrolled on the box. I was enraged and wanted my aunt to respond with almost a sense of lighting it on fire and telling her to stay away. My Aunt isn’t for dramatics or making a scene and her idea on dealing with it is rather clever, she decided to just leave the box on the door step until she had time to deal with it to give her the notion not to leave any more things at her door step. I admired her for this and this was the start to me realizing that any over exaggerated response I had for her was me giving her exactly what she wanted.
As summer proceeded she emailed a close friend of mine and my husband, as we sat together looking at the email she sent to both of them, they witnessed her habitual lies and how one story changed so much from one person to the next. My friend looked to me for how it should be handled and I said block her, the old me would insist she needs told off, but I realized she just wants you to say something, anything in order to feel she exist in your life and is important, so what greater hell for a narcissist then to realize no one even finds you important enough to even respond. It was as if she was a hurricane on her way to town and everyone boarded up the windows when she was about to arrive, no one cared about the hot air she was about to toss around. Honestly seeing the lies she has to tell others to try and get sympathy over our situation is what makes me want to laugh, she fails to see that others want someone in their life who is more about honesty and being genuine, it is possible to love someone who lies, but not when their lies are meant to hurt those around them or manipulate them.
Growing up I just felt like I was nailed to the floor, only their because they needed me to be for them, I was the place they dropped off their baggage and cleared the air. I was were they stored their negative energy. I often felt so drained from all their negativity like kryptonite to super man their negativity was making me weaker by the day and harder to move. With them gone and the strength building in me I actually have things I am looking forward too, just random things I use to never look forward to cause with them it was something completely bad. I have been picturing Christmas because even if she finds someone to reach out to she will never be able to get to me, I took away that power, and now I picture Christmas with no Hugh family fights, enjoying the holiday with family and friends in my beautiful home being able to embrace those I love.
I find myself wanting to let loose and do the things my mother would never let me do as a teen because it was always difficult to figure out who I was and express it with her in my life. I want to figure out who I am, and be ok with it not being how she or the rest of the world imagined me. I use to be so cautious of the person I presented myself to be, I would even caution my husband from wanting to try outrageous styles because I spent the majority of the time he spent expressing himself, making excuses and brushing off his outrageous style which I otherwise find attractive. He was raised not to care what others think of him and I was raised to care too much. It is never easy coming out of such a controlling relationship, you almost feel like if you let go to much one wrong move and you will be the new Lindsay Lohan. I don’t think it will be that bad, I’m not one for drugs and alcohol, maybe I should keep watch for my mother to go all Lohan, she still swears to getting all clean and sober, but then post she is going to have herself a martini for her birthday.
She had her opportunity to change and she blew it, not that a person like her knows how to change. Now it’s my turn and I am going to be exactly the girl who has always been hiding in me.