Life always seems to pick up this month with lots of activities, field trips start, family fun days to places like theme parks, pumpkin carving parties, and most of all my wedding anniversary. The hardest part of this month was finding a day to take our computer that needed repair into a repair shop and I spent the first few weeks of this month using my phone as my main source of internet connection. I was checking my facebook one day when my friend shot me a message asking me if I had been on the sheriff’s page as of lately. I assumed she meant the latest case we were following and said oh I meant to comment about that case but haven’t got to. She said Oh I’m sorry I should of been more clear, your mom was arrested today. Before I could wager a response I shot over to the website where I pulled up my mother’s mug shot which somewhat reminded me of nick nolte’s mug shot of deshoveled mess. She had been picked up for shop lifting from the store my husband works at. I had to wait for Monday for her arrest affidavit to be posted to their site just so I could read all that she had done.
Alcohol most definitely played a role in her crime, as I read of the things she had done, all I could think about is all the times she criticized me and had I been present in her life for this what she might of said to diminish it when any of my wrong doings were seen with extremely bias eyes of opinion. I know she would of called me to come bail her out, wanted me to comfort her much like a mother does a child, then point out something I made a mistake at so she doesn’t have to live with her own guilt. It can be a mixture of emotions watching the narcissist you escaped from coming apart at the seems. You feel relief that she has made such a mess of her life she can no longer worry about you and possibly because she is facing dire consequences she may be forced to accept some of the help she previously rejected (at least for substance abuse). You may even feel sadness to watch a person fall apart in such a fashion. Never mind how cruel my mother has been, the healthy thing was to walk away, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. As much anguish as I feel about the things she has done that kept me from a healthy productive life, I still realize this is a cycle that has been repeated and I was the lucky one who got to rewrite the future and give my child the things my mother could not give me because she never figured out the steps to break the cycle. I actually begged my mom to walk away from her abusive mother, she refused, in fact she ignored my level of discomfort and pushed me to have a relationship with my grandmother when she knew I didn’t want one. She trapped herself and came apart at the seems because her worst fear is realized she is alone and she wasn’t loved enough for someone to stay.
The best part is this gives my mother no sense of ability to seek my family and friends out, you can’t keep saying oh my poor grandson needs me like you feel so bad I am his mother, when it is pretty solid that my sons needs are taken care of and the most she has to offer him is a person spinning out of control. I wonder how deeply the events in this past year are going to effect the rest of her life. Her crime is considered a felony, the career she loves so much will probably be gone once convicted and to think she was so angry when I gave up my career then her she does something that ruins it so she may never have the choice to return to it. I hope the judge takes serious note of her being under the influence of alcohol and orders her to participate in a sobriety program. I use to fear her drinking, not because she was a mean drunk, but she was stupid she came up with crazy ideas and worst yet didn’t regard the safety of others and would drink and drive usually with my family in the car which we argued about repeatedly and she would resort to lying expecting me to believe “it’s apple juice and not beer in her red solo cup.”
It just seems like all the chips are falling into place and after a years time we are going to see for certain where life takes us. I am devoting my time to getting myself taken care of health, mind, and body. I enjoy being here for my family, but I am considering once I am taking care of myself, it might be wise to find an activity that gets me out of the house like have a part time job while my son is in school or going out once a week during the middle of the week just to get away from a house full of guys. I will probably always wonder what is to become of my mother, as much as I am happy to be away, feeling justified by my choice to leave, I never wanted to see her life destroyed or her destroy herself. I don’t care how bad things get I will never go back I will never give in to her and the one biggest lesson I have learned is I am not responsible for her, I am for myself and if someone stands in the way of me being great and only make things worse then they don’t belong in my way. Life is forever changing with every breath you take either appreciate what you have or in the next breath watch it disappear.
Life will happen if you allow it to, when you quit looking back so much, it will carry you away and sometimes take you by surprise.