Just as my wedding anniversary approached, feeling ecstatic because I was going to see a band I had been a fan of for nearly 20 years I get a text message from my husband’s aunt that a letter came there for me to pick up. In the envelope addressed to me in care of her was a letter from my mom. One that through the first read tugged at my heart strings as she professed her latest mishap that got her arrested and she finally admitted “yes I am an alcoholic and need help!” After careful reading repeatedly I began to realize her letter was nothing more than a manipulation, that if she lied, put me down, and told me what I wanted to hear I would come running back to her side and possibly vow to never leave again.
Just reading it with her lies, drawings, and criticisms made me infuriated. I kept wanting to wager a reply one that spoke volumes. I found as I began I had a 6 plus page letter defending myself. I realized it wasn’t the way to go and only gave her the power. I wrote to her not defending myself, but standing up for myself. Not seeking her approval or tolerating what she had to say about me. I told her where she failed me, that I had enough and my son was going to have a better life because I refuse to keep dysfunctional people in his life, that she would no longer hurt my son and I.
Even though I wished her the best I think the only thing that is going to force her into being sober is being forced by going to prison or a court appointed detox. Then without a second thought I stuffed that letter in an envelope and mailed it. Before her letter even made it to her, a co worker emailed me on facebook concerned about my mothers disposition and pleaded with me to resolve my grievance with my mom saying she needs me. I tried being polite telling her the problem wasn’t mine to fix and it really wasn’t any of her business, after a few messages back and forth I resolved to tell her if she was so concerned about her that she should help her, but not to come look to her daughter to fix it, that I got tired of being that for her cause she never helped herself.
With her coworker resigning to not respond any further, the letter arrived shortly after and as I spied on her facebook page I got confirmation that she received my letter. Her facebook status said “I got a letter in the mail that said Happy Halloween on the envelope that I was excited to read until I learned it was from the wicked witch of the south. I poured my heart and soul out to her and she ripped me to shreds and called me a liar.” Just to give her that final smack into the dirt I emailed her arrest record and pointed out what the document said as proof that she was lying. Then once again mean little I hate my daughter statuses disappear and ones of I love my kids and until you understand this you are not grown appeared. it is a cycle which she has on repeat, but I find myself rising above the ciaos to a life she always dreamed of having, but more importantly I dreamed of having and I got it.
I have mixed emotions about my mother and all that I am certain of is I just want her to go away indefinitely, not to wish her the worst, but a life where we are null and void and she can leave in silence however that will never happen. Her bruised fragile ego can’t handle the fact that someone who is suppose to be family for life didn’t love her enough to stay. My grandmother ruined her, someone ruined my grandmother. I hung onto the few good people in my life and like a ladder they helped me march out of the pit. A year later from when all the drama started and for once I am excited about life, my family, holidays, togetherness and feel I got a chance at freedom and life.