All posts for the month January, 2014

“Just ignore them and your PTSD will go away.”

Published January 29, 2014 by PeachyKeene

It seems when overcoming your relationship with a narcissist most people fail to realize the traumatizing effects and that most of the signs you exhibit could be classified as signs of ptsd. When feeling at a loss for what I experienced and sometimes not being able to get past it people will tell me to move on, I am dwelling to much on the past and I should just ignore her. Well gee why did I not think of that before you told me? Oh right, I did, and it doesn’t work just ask my parents who had a stack of junk for me to pick up that she insisted they come get it.

My mother contacted my parents through a messaging site, saying she had stuff that belonged to my son and I, and someone needs to come get it cause she is moving. With that she added the question is there anything I want in specific? My parents asked what do you want us to get back from her? I said my son’s baby photo that is in a Winnie the pooh frame that was given to me by my friend. The reason that one item felt more important than anything else I could receive from her was it was the one thing she held over my head knowing how much I wanted it and would taunt me by having it on display in her home.

My parents met with her at her home one Saturday afternoon, she had my “stuff” waiting in the driveway. She enthusiastically greeted my parents as if long lost friends, they said her property looked much like a trash dump as there was stuff everywhere, my mother would make a great addition to hoarders as she is such an avid collector of stuff that there is no place to sit in her living room, she has a font bedroom stacked to the ceiling full of stuff and 3 sheds full of stuff that the only thing you see on the front side of her trailer is the entry way.

She proceeded to tell them about her health problems still insisting she has breast cancer, but presents no visible signs of ever going through Chemo, but makes no claims to getting a mastectomy and still states she has it now a year later with her thick red hair still intact. If I don’t believe her she told my parents she could provide me with a disc that has all the information about her cancer, they told her that won’t be necessary, but just like me are skeptical as they also have had friends battle breast cancer and not one of them had their hair while doing it. It is one of her many stories to try and gain sympathy and play the martyr, and now she has shingles and to prove it to my parents she dropped her pants in the driveway to show her lower abdomen.

Once past her failing health stories, they gathered the few items she had waiting in the driveway. She returned the frame I asked for stating to them she didn’t even knew she had it and thought I took it a long time ago. Of course she’ll never admit how she had it on display in her home and I’d pick it up and ask for it back and she’d say no or how I’d try to sneak it out of her home and she’d stop me at the door and insist I give it back knowing she would find ways to punish me if I didn’t. Of the other items given to them there was very little that belonged to my son and I, just a bunch of meaningless junk she wished to pawn off on me.

As we discussed their visit with my mom and the hells and horrors of my past with my mother, they had a friend that stopped in and was hearing the conversation. She was like you should just ignore her. So I told her if there was no promise of me getting the things that she stole from me, mementos of my son’s, I would have. Do you know what it’s like to have a child and someone take away some of the joys and reflections you have of your child growing, as if a adoptive parent, you have few photos to recall his childhood because someone else holds them and not because his past belonged to solely them, but as a cruel way to hurt you. Everything done their way or you may suffer the wrath of their consequences and you just don’t ignore someone that has been your bully or tormenters. They know how to twist you and hurt you when they are that in depth with your life, this isn’t some random guy spouting his disdain for you this is a person who knows how to work their way into your life and make your world feel totally frail, who mocks you for wanting their love and support.

I told her it is to easy for people to tell you to ignore it especially when they didn’t grow up how you did, having people that lied to you your whole life and viewed you as property. who didn’t attend to your emotional needs and often punished you for having them. I told her I didn’t see a nurturing home life until I moved in with my parents at the age of 26. I just never talked about it, because I felt ashamed like everything was my fault. I told her what led me to where I am at now and told her that is only the front cover you have no idea what my childhood with her was like, it wasn’t a good relationship and if I went into depth you’d wonder why people like that are aloud to raise children. I said my dad wanted me, he went through his own hell when he was with her, and tried desperately to get custody of me to spare me, but the courts favored her and they were wrong.

People will always tell you it is as simple as ignoring the person without knowing the situation. Never knowing the pain of someone who only loves themselves and is suppose to be a key relationship role. It isn’t ignoring, we avoid them, change our number, move, block and set our accounts to private, we quit going places we fear running into them. We may not talk about them every day, but on days like this when a painful piece washes to the surface, we have a right to finally feel what we were forced to repress for the length of having this person in our life. These actions, the anxiety, fear, and pain we live through it’s called PTSD and some days will be like it never existed and some days will be worse than they ever appeared.


I want to be better than she last remembered

Published January 10, 2014 by PeachyKeene

The stress of a year of constant hiccups and trying to heal had got the best of me. I spent most of the year flailing about at the slightest brush of stress, inconvenience, or heart ache. It robbed me of being able to prevent the things I feared most or wanted to do for the better, now I must back track to make them happen. As I came falling from the strings my mom pulled getting caught in the cords on the way down, I let the positive things I was doing for myself slip away from me as well.

I am a big girl, coming from a family who is big, my mother’s family loved the buffet’s and were the encouragers to get their money’s worth never mind that it didn’t teach you about proper health and nutrition. Coming from families with big waist lines means diseases like Diabetes. My dad was diagnosed with Diabetes just prior to my sons 12th birthday. When my son’s birthday arrived we had plans to take him to a theme park which was just miserable because my mother came. She took off with my families tickets that would grant us access to the water park section of the park and made me catch up to where she was at if I wanted them. It was in the 100 degree range that day here in Florida. By the time I caught up with her I had heat exhaustion. Which when I complained I wanted to throw up and pass out my mom made it a competition by saying she felt the same way. It was a bad weekend trip and the only reason the second day was any better is because my husband’s family tried to buffer the situation.

I came back from that trip thinking of how miserable I felt and couldn’t help but feel being overweight did me in faster cause I was drinking water I just wasn’t getting nearly as hydrated as everyone else because I was Obese. I decided to loose weight and not any of those gimmick weight loss methods, no pills, shakes, drinks, or injections just watching what I eat, smaller portions, and making healthier substitutes for things we ate every day. From The end of July to the end of December in 2012 I lost 30lbs. November of 2012 my husband was in a major motor vehicle accident and then because of my mother thinking she was mother superior and she should be first in my life as we tried to get our life’s back together I walked away from her December 2012. She spent the entire year that my family has been absent from her life stalking us, that we moved and changed our number, but that does not stop her harassment of our extended family who is in our life and our friends.

I gained back about half the weight I lost. I kept extending when I’d get back on track, making excuses, wishing I hadn’t allowed her to stand in my way of a better me. Then I started noticing things that made me think I was to late in stopping myself from developing diabetes … extreme thirst, frequent urination, always hungry, always tired, and I got a yeast infection that no matter what I tried I could not get it to go away šŸ˜¦ I got a free glucose meter over the holidays and decided one morning I would check my fasting blood sugar( blood sugar after 8 or more hours of no eating) it was 320. That is high, I knew then that I had it. I got a doctor’s appointment and had it confirmed. The doctor’s plan: Ā medicine, diet, and exercise. So there is no more excuses, if I want to avoid insulin I have to keep taking my pills, eat healthy and exercise.

I have already started putting the plan in motion. It is my goal to loose weight, so I can keep my blood sugars in check. I want to be a shining example of health if I should ever run into her again. I know she may never see how my life got better and will probably take credit for all the positive changes she sees before her and has nothing to do with, but I will know my life got better the moment I decided to let her go. That I didn’t need her to make it happen and that it’s something she can’t take away because I built this life from the ground up for me and my family. With the closer I get to my goal, I remove a piece of the negativity I dealt with for years because all my weight is is a reminder of my past, their negativity and every unhappiness I felt. Exercising will help boost my endorphinsĀ  and bring happiness back to my life that I lost through many critisms, being locked away for their mistakes, and encouraged to follow extremely unhealthy habits. They may not see or know it, but I will, my life got better.