It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog. I guess I’ve reached that point in my life that I don’t think about my mother almost every day like I use to, we are quickly approaching the 2 year mark where I said enough and walked away from her. I wish I could say I was all better on the inside, but I have wounds and scars that I think will never heal. I have triggers and more than anything I’d like to feel peace, but when someone sets off my trigger I am not the nice girl everyone counts on me to be. I am starting to learn for my own well being that is ok because those who count on me to be the nice girl are often the people who have no respect for me and often expect me to put up with their bad moods and attitudes. I’m the girl who still struggles to find her voice and I’m still learning what life after fall out is like.
The last time that I heard from my mom was just as Easter approached, she sent a letter, instead of the previous message where she told me I was right she refused to acknowledge the reasons I had to make the choices I did and told me how rotten I was for pushing her out of my life, that if I remember nothing good she should of never had me. It was obvious to me that she had me to serve herself and thought nothing of what it means to be a mother, to love your child, to want to see them happy. It was the last time I would let her hateful letters touch my sight and fill me with sadness, and she thought she could smooth over the bitter feelings with writing me a check and telling me to go on a nice date night with my husband.
I wrote her back telling her from this point any letter she wrote me would be returned unopened, that she would never understand and that was ok I know why I had to make the choices I did, that her letters did nothing constructive and that I did not need anything from her. I returned her check and asked that she not write because it would be returned. So far I’ve managed to live where I’m at for a year and a half without her finding out where I am. She still litters her page with post about missing my family and uses my husband and I’s full name in her post hoping her friends will take pity on her and harass me to reconcile with her, in the almost 2 years only one friend has and seemed to miss how it’s up to her not me to fix herself. She tries to proclaim she is getting better and everything she is doing is for me, I just feel like it’s all for show, let alone don’t exit your on and off again relationship with your drinking buddy and say it’s for me. If you had been considering the things I had told you way back in the day you’d never got back with him.
She just won’t get it and I will forever feel the need to look over my shoulder to make sure she isn’t sneaking up on me. To protect my family from the woman who did her damnest to destroy me. I would of never believed anyone if they told my past self that I was going to walk away. It was never a thought that crossed my mind, but everyone has a breaking point, so if you are someone who challenges and pushes the limits of a relationship, don’t be surprised when that person snaps. Mine was a random fight she couldn’t let go of and her trying to gain my time and attention during a time I was getting little sleep as I took care of my husband recovering from a car accident on a day where I was trying to put my son first trying to make sure the after effects of my husbands accident didn’t effect his Christmas running on a few grains of sand from mr. sandman and lots of coffee (those who know me know I never drink coffee). It wasn’t even the argument it was what she did to try and get attention from me and the fact that she was that utterly selfish she couldn’t understand or be helpful when I was so worn down, but that is a narcissist for you.
I’m almost convinced that the entire world is touched with personality disorders and that it’s just some are more toxic than others. I’m no psychologist, but I do see a lot of people who have dealt with things not in the best of ways. I’m still looking for my place in the world where who I am makes sense, but at least I found those who accept me for who I am.