Sometimes you need confirmation

Published February 11, 2015 by PeachyKeene

Just as I was reaching my two year mark of disowning my mother I got an email from her from a different media account where she apologized for hurting me and claiming she wanted to set things right. Somehow for a short time I believed her because for once she wasn’t blaming me or telling me it was my fault. I decided to give her a second chance, my terms were that we needed family counseling in order for this to be a possibility for us to work things out. Too eager to want to see me she set up a meeting, I came alone, my thoughts were along the lines of what could it hurt if we stick to neutral topics.

We sat in a fast food restaurant as she chatted about her recovery, her health, and her life. It felt difficult to be a part of the conversation as she dominated most of it. I spoke of the hurtful things she said to me and she stared at me as if she didn’t remember. Kept telling me it was in the past as if to ignore it. She continued to insist that she did get cancer, and in the back of my head began the list of what I would want to discuss in family counseling as still she doesn’t resemble anyone who could of had cancer in the last two years as she remained her same robust weight with her long flowing red hair which looked like it hadn’t received a trim in two years, Being someone who worked in the nursing field and have had friends who have had cancer, I just found her story to be unbelievable. I felt overwhelmed about the amount of lies she was telling and expecting me to believe wanting sympathy from me.

After my second visit, she got extremely arrogant, demanding, and pushy. She thought she could buy my son with gifts and after each one he received, each note she’d send, she’d ask does he forgive me now, can I see him now? I’d tell her sorry no he’s not ready, he is someone who is going to need time. As if it were owed to her she got very haughty and said fine she was going to be around people who wanted her around, other people who’s grand kids also thought they were assholes which I said it’s your behavior that got you where you are and don’t you forget that and treat my son as if he isn’t entitled to his feelings. She backed off for the moment.

With my sons resistance to want to try at all or go to family counseling, I asked him to share his feelings with me, he told me he doesn’t think we should trust her or give her a second chance that we were only opening ourselves up to be hurt more and he felt I did the best thing I could of done by walking away so we could have a better life, he told me it worked and now we are all happy. I respect my sons opinion greatly, my mom and grandma would of never respected my feelings in such a way and would of just told me to bad wither I like it or not I would have to tolerate the people that hurt me. So with knowing my sons feelings, my own feelings of feeling like nothing is different, it was just a matter of telling her sorry this was a mistake.

I wanted to wait for Christmas to pass so not to ruin her holiday. The day of Christmas I got one email where she wished my family a merry Christmas and said she knew I had to be busy with my family, but just wanted to wish me a merry christmas. as I got home from the long day of visiting family she sent another message trying to plan a family trip asking us to please be her children and how she missed us her babies. Reading that a wave a nausea washed over me, the thing I told her I didn’t want and there she was trying to cross my boundaries.

Just so you know there is no letting a person with this much dysfunction down easily. When I expressed that I could not force this on my son she questioned how I was raising him if he could not forgive her and told me thinking she would do things to hurt us that I was sick in the head and needed help, so my reservation after she hurt my family made me the twisted one? I let loose and told her my son would win over her any day that he is more important to me than she is and that is the difference between us, that I take my job as him mother to be more important than any other relationship and she is the only person who doesn’t respect that and wants to treat him like because he is a kid he doesn’t matter. Then I removed myself from her grid where she could reach out to me.

I felt horrible right after, I was hurting, and I know she had to be hurting. It made me regret opening that can of worms, but on the other end of it, it had given me reassurance that I made the right choice, she would still always be who she was and that meant I’d end up feeling broken in her wake, I love my life now, why would I undo my happy ending? I had nothing to gain by accepting her back into my life and I now have made peace with that. if it’s ever to be fixed it will be in heaven.

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