Archives

All posts for the month April, 2015

Boarding a Narcissist: When you see how truly selfish they are.

Published April 21, 2015 by PeachyKeene

As Fiona went on cohabiting our home we on an almost regular basis saw selfish acts as she purchased herself fun and unnecessary things while my husband worked hard and i tediously managed a tight budget. It was one of our many frustrations with her and why we wanted her to go. However nothing tops when we asked her to leave.

I think it’s absolutely true that you learn who people are when faced with difficult times. I had asked Fiona almost 2 weeks ago to move out and after over a week of seeing nothing moving decided to ask her for a progress report on her keeping with the deadline we gave her. She did say she found a place and since most of her things were in bags it would be easy to transport it with little need to pack, anything that needed packed she’d do this week in between her doctors appointments.

She started with the kitchen, at first I was delighted to see some pantry space freed up from her ridiculous amounts of snacks, but as the days carried on I would learn the extreme selfishness she would exhibit. She began to pack up some of the household condiments she said were a contribution to the house making it further seem she really hadn’t given a damn thing to the house.

As she plans her move, she informs me she has nothing for her kitchen and if I had anything I could spare she greatly would appreciate it.  Then the other morning she approaches me about where I had put my living proof shampoo because she wanted to use it. Her toiletries aren’t packed up yet so there is no need for her to use mine. I guess for me the frustrating part is to know she contributed very little and of the things she contributed she has since then taken them back and now expects me to provide for her. Which I guess it shouldn’t be surprised that she is so extremely selfish as I witnessed in our daily life.

She often called dibs on things that she had no entitlement to. I bought myself a beautiful mug for hot beverages from a thrift store and placed it in the sink to be washed, she noticed it and commented to me how pretty it was. My brother washed it for me and I thought when I got home later that night I could have some hot tea in it, upon returning I see it sitting back in the sink and my brother asking me how I liked my new mug now that he seen it was used and back in the sink, when I said I never used it she says oh i did it’s a really awesome mug. Maybe I shouldn’t of felt so upset, but I guess I like to be the first to use something I bought for me and felt that she could of washed it and put it back in the dish drain if she couldn’t resist using it.

I feel those who surround her are there as her pawns to serve her needs, The place she found to move is with a 20 year old guy who is obsessed with her, she has shown me his creepy stalker like messages and never has she told him to get lost, she just thinks she can tell him not to like her and they can be friends, she avoids him when he goes all gooey on her. I feel she was never mean to him because she knew she would need to use him one day and now see the extent she will stoop to just to have her nice things and a roof over her head. I to some degree feel for him, but at the same time it is his own obsessive behavior that leads him to this siren.

The Narcissist only thinks of themselves and it’s best not to match a battle of wits there is no winning with a narcissist, there’s only hope of escaping without to many deeply cut wounds.

Boarding a Narcissist: When they have to be the center of attention and Their big dreams

Published April 20, 2015 by PeachyKeene

Fiona didn’t waste a second when she first moved in to try and attain the attention of everyone around her, she wanted people to feel fascinated and beholden to her. She sucked my brother in with endless video watching and once they had developed their own bond she would always be calling him over to want to show him a new video, once the excitement of a new room mate wore off for everyone she desperately tried pulling at strings to get peoples attention.

She would try to get everyone to watch the same videos as her, If it wasn’t videos she’d try drawing you into conversation and usually at the time you decided to leave the room because you had other things to attend to. For me it’s often be when I was on my way to the bathroom or my bedroom. If I was on my way to the restroom, I’d say sorry I have to go to the restroom hold that thought and her attempt to make me feel weird for telling her so she would say with a odd umm ok. If I were in the hallway on my way to my room I would search for a way to cut her off  as she struggled to find ways to draw me back to the room and her.

I think the worst of it was trying to draw our attention to things no one could possibly care about. For the most of it that would be her cat. She would want us to come over to see how after combing her cat, her fur was now soft or the way she laid as she slept. She has actually picked up her cat and stood in front of me to gush at me isn’t whiskers the cutest cat you’ve ever seen?

My brother refuses to get up when she wants his attention as she has called him over to see  a lizard on the outside of our home “bonding” with her and other trivial things. In her attempts to appear not lazy she will make sure she tells you in great detail one thing she did so she can receive unlimited praises. If she had to pick up a cat mess on the floor she will let you know she had to pick up a cat mess and how utterly disgusting it is. She has actually seen messes that cat made and has gotten my brother saying I want to show you what one of your cats did, he refused to get up and told her to pick it up if you see a cat make a mess don’t wait for someone else to do it.

When she takes out the recycling she details for me how she cleaned out the can as if she wants me to tell her what a great job she is doing. She has to be at the center of every conversation and she is always trying to find ways to draw others into her. It is a very big trait of a narcissist when they want people to flock to them or have grandiose dreams of unlimited power, , success, money and sometimes fame. It was one evening as we sat in the living room that I learned she had her own dreams of fame and success. The show American idol was about to come on and I said let me change the channel now i hate American idol. She then reveals to me if she had picked the right song at tryouts she wouldn’t be here right now because she would of made it and had a successful career. I was floored by this revelation and her firm belief that she felt she should of gotten a spot on the show.

I do know she thinks she is a great musical talent as you can’t watch any movie or show that has a sound clip without her singing to it, we have avoided movies with lots of music in it for this reason. I can’t imagine what there is to gain from that kind of attention and how one can not sense that others sometimes like to be left to themselves. Coming out of my room often was a dreaded thing because it was like entering a live platform where she thought I was there purely for her entertainment. I however can breath a little lighter these days as she did find a place to go and I think it will be well suited for her as she will be the center of attention in her new home, there are no women to try and over run and the guy she is moving in with fancies her so she will get all the admiration she desires. I firmly believe despite how much she told me she was repulsed by his behavior and desire for her she kept him tucked in her back pocket for the day she would have no choice, but to rely on him and knew he would be able to fill her narcissistic needs better than anyone. I just count down the days i get my house back and can get back to our lives.

Narcissism is a little to close to home for me

Published April 18, 2015 by PeachyKeene

Some may wonder  why I spend  in length  such great detail talking  about  narcissist . From the stories I share I hope to educate  others so they can recognize  patterns  in behavior  and develop  healthy boundaries  so they  can  distance   themselves  from those who are to selfish to consider your feelings  and your needs.

This subject  became one close to my heart after my husband’s accident  two and a half years ago when I made a crucial  decision  to  disown my mother’s  family. I struggled  with guilt and depression ,  I tried desperately  to understand why I felt the way I did when it came to  them in terms of never feeling good enough , hollow  and hurting . As I typed certain descriptive  feelings  into my Web browser  I kept having  search results  of narcissism thrown  back at me. I researched it to the point  of  obsession  so I  could  understand  for myself and  do what is best for  myself  so I could  heal.

I  have even made the classic  mistake  of  hoping  for  the  impossible , for them to  get  better . After 2 years of  not talking  to  my  mom  she found  another  one  of  my  social  network accounts  and sent me a message. I was sucked in by her lies  that she was now sober and making  changes to her life. I agreed to  meet  her and with sitting  with her I realized  I  had changed more than she  had. I politely  declined  to have  any  further contact  with  her and  then would ensue her anger and guilt trips. I  learned  not to respond  and get upset because  it’s  not my reality .

I feel  for the pain they had experienced  growing  up in a broken home because  I  had experienced  it to. However I know there are  two ways you can go with it, you can either let it keep hurting you and try to weigh the rest  of  the  world  down with it trying to break others the way you are broken or you can heal yourself and vow to protect yourself  and be more assertive, to choose love and help others,to not beat others down. They say the one way to know you aren’t  a Narcissist  is when it’s  a fear that you might be because  a Narcissist  wouldn’t  care  if  they  are .

My childhood  was filled  with  demons and I   take  pride  in  knowing  my son will never know the pain of my childhood . I  am  vigilant  in him knowing he is loved,is safe,that he doesn’t  have  to  worry  about  taking  care of  me,and is free of adult  worries. The most  I ever ask in terms of  emotional  support  is a hug because  it  makes any day better. I couldn’t  ever imagine  treating  him  the  way  my  mother  treated me.

I  realize  now  that  there  are  these  broken  souls  out  there ,they come  in  all forms and they latch onto the givers in this world as they are the empaths, they feel for everyone , and for a Narcissist  there is no greater  supply . In my own journeys  to protect  myself  I have learned to help others doesn’t  mean you have to let them take over your life and home, being to giving and not having  boundaries  is a very unsafe thing for your own mental health  and each time someone  disregards your  boundaries  it’s  important  to  be  assertive.

in my two  and half year journey  I have let go of the guilt  others  try to make me feel when I don’t  submit  to their demands, if someone  is being rude or hurtful I am assertive , and  in this process  I finally  know  what  it truly  means to  be  happy .  I  have  suffered  from  depression  all of my life and never  knew it was possible  to  actually  love and care about  myself .

Boarding a Narcissist : Crossing Boundaries

Published April 18, 2015 by PeachyKeene

It’s  something  that  happens  all to often as they view the world around them to be an extension  of  themselves. They  often expect their request  to  be carried  out without  hesitation  and they do not  understand  when their  opinion isn’t  wanted. The reason  they disregard  boundaries  is because they think  the world  is there to  serve  them .

When Fiona first  moved in, I was very accommodating  and without  even thinking  let her move into  our lives without  establishing  some  rules.it always starts off small , but once  they  are  comfortable  the boundaries  they  cross are endless. She didn’t  care  how  much  of  your  time  or money she  wasted,where her opinion  wasn’t  wanted,or how uncomfortable  she made you feel.

She  had  a  habit  of  making  you  wait exorbitant  amount  of  time  as she went  up  and  down  each  aisle  in the  store and didn’t  care  that  my  husband  had been  working  all day  and wanted to go home, if I   wasn’t  feeling  well , or was left  sitting  in  the  car  for  an hour.she’d  make request  and would seem  upset  if you didn’t  comply. I will  only  go  into  a  store  at  off peak  hours (unless  not  having  much  option  in needing  to  make  a  trip  during  peak  hours  ) and  as I  was  heading  out  to  take  my  husband  to  work she  requested  I pick up a 2 liter of  the  only  thing  she  ever  drinks Coca-Cola  since  it was during  a  peak hour I told  her I didn’t  want  to  go  into the  store . She scoffed  at me and  I looked  at  her like  excuse me? She quickly  regained  composure and said well can I ride  along  and go in to get it and I  said  yes.

she’d  often  drop request  on me assuming  I’d  do them. She would  wait  for  us to be going  out  the door  to tell  me some place  else she needed  to  go which  was  out of the way and the  next  town over . Personal  favors were deligated , she thought  she was going to be the next big youtube reviewer and  she thought  she was to good to   use  a laptop  to film her unboxing  videos, one day after  picking  her up from  the  bus stop she says to me I need  you to film me unboxing the new subscription  box I got and I said no when I get home I’m  relaxing  and  watching  a  movie. So she tries  to  see if she can  guilt  me  into  doing  it by saying  ” I guess  I could  use  my  laptop  but  I  just  don’t  like  the  quality . ” I  ignored  her statement  and went  straight  to  my  room  when  we  got  home .

Then we can’t  forget  the constant  intrusions on the conversations  that  were  within  ear shot of her, my husband  would  ask me a question  and she would  interrupt  me answering  him to say  what  I  already  was telling  him, she’d  catch a tail end  of  a conversation  and try to add to it, any moment  I had with  my son noting how he was growing  into a young man would  soon  be made  conversation  for her  to  shout  down the hall to make  sure  I know  her son is growing  to. Any conversation  I had  she  felt  she needed  to be a part of which  made  it  especially  difficult  to  have  moments  between  my husband  and  I . If she couldn’t  hear  what  were  talking  about  she’d  ask.

Crossing  Boundaries  means  they test the waters to see what they can get  away   with  if they can get away with  not paying a dime and letting  you do all the work they will . Since they don’t  understand  boundaries  when  you  set them they will  often  think you are over reacting and will  look  for  other  ways to  try  and  manipulate  you. Prime example  is the  reason  I  asked   Fiona  to  leave.

My husband  is the one to get our  son on the bus in the morning  and when he returned  home he decided  to play some video games, Fiona  woke up and eventually  complained her back was hurting  and asked my husband  if he could  rub her back for her. He told her no  and told me about  it  saying  how weird and uncomfortable  it was that she asked. I was stunned, I’ve  never  had someone  who  is supposed  to  be  a  friend  ask  my significant  other  for  such  an  inappropriate  favor that I   was at a loss for   how I should  handle it .  I   spoke  to  single and married friends  a like about  it being upsetting and all of them told me I was  justified  in wanting  her to leave though  my husband has no interest  in Fiona  it doesn’t  mean  she’d  stop trying.

It was the reason I  told  her  she  had  to  move  and I gave her until  the  end  of  the  month. A week passed  and I tried telling  her I wanted to be  cordial  with  her  and  make the situation  less awkward. The surprising  part is she really  didn’t  get it and wanted to talk to the both of us because  she wanted  to  resolve  it as the smallest thing can fester into something  bigger. I told her it’s  not  a negotiation  she crossed  a line  and we wanted  her gone. She even tried  to  lay emphasis  on  how  she’d  be  homeless  and has no place to go. I was firm and stood by my decision ,  though  I would  hate to see a person  homeless  to me it’d  be worse to have someone  in my home trying to weigh down my marriage. So now the count down begins  12 days until  I  am free, she says she found  a place and I can only cross my fingers  and hope she leaves sooner than that.

Boarding a Narcissist: When their promises equal lies

Published April 17, 2015 by PeachyKeene

They often make promises they can not keep and everything is in the way it is worded so if you were to mention it it is completely deniable. When  Fiona asked for a place on Facebook she admitted to not having much, but would help when she could. As a word of advice unless every detail is mapped out never commit to such an arrangement. When I agreed to let her in her promise to help out was just as vague as her open statement on facebook.

She chronicled the last place that her ex found her complaining of how vile the living arrangements were and the previous deal they had worked out with the last person they had got to board her. She spouted on about how much she had to do in the previous places she lived and that she could pitch in. Key word Could….but sadly she wouldn’t. I knew her resources would be tight as she only got cash assistance some of the time and the only constant was her food stamps.

In the course of 5 months I maybe got a value of 60 to 70 dollars in groceries each month, not even necessities and $30 cash for her entire stay. Sure she didn’t have a lot, but I guess the truly upsetting part of it was she did stupid things that cost her money and whatever stupid things she wasn’t doing the cash was going to her retail therapy.

After her first month of living here just before Christmas she had shoplifted from a store, they didn’t arrest her, and she kept it to herself until after her court appearance she ended up serving 5 days in jail and having fees of $315 to pay. I never did find out what was worth that much that she had to steal it instead of pay for it or ask someone to get it for her although she admitted to having the cash and just making a poor choice. However what upsets me is when she can buy herself things, show me what she got herself and offer no true cash contribution. I find it insulting that someone can show you what they would rather their money go to then contributing to the house that took them in when they said they had no where to go.

Even worse is her lack of contributing to household chores, my brother primarily washes the dishes while I take care of things like cooking and household needs. She said she could cook sometimes and wash dish loads in between. As time progressed meal prep was a total of 5 times since she lived here not that anyone is complaining about that,but it was her lack of doing household chores that upset people. She would always attempt to get my family to take care of her including the messes she would make. My brother would complain to me that she decided to make some food item and left the mess for him to clean in the kitchen. She didn’t want to do anything  and often complained in an attempt to get others to take care of them or even her. One day she came out of the bathroom claiming she had no upper body strength and could we come plunge the toilet for her.

It got to where everyone would complain about something different on a different issue that I just asked them to find their own way to handle it. I informed my brother to quit washing the special set of dishes she brought with her that are hers and anytime he sees a mess she made tell her she isn’t done in the kitchen as she didn’t clean the appliances she borrowed.

She was even to bothered to even pick up after cat messes, one of my cats pooped on the floor near the litter box (they do this when they want their box cleaned) and she waited for me to come out of my room to tell me she did so I can clean up the mess and though I know it’s my cat I would expect someone to be decent and clean it so someone doesn’t step in it or just be courteous cause you saw it when it first happened, I know I have done it for her with her cat except for she thinks her cat is a perfect little princess who does no wrong, seriously she comes up to me and asks if I think her cat is the cutest kitty in the world and when I tell her I’m partial to my cats she still tries to insist to my face that her cat is better.

So in the 5 months she has been here she has paid me in groceries and cash for one months worth of rent as she doesn’t do anything physical to contribute to the house and with each package that comes in the mail that she orders herself I resent her selfishness even more.Not only because she is not contributing, but I know she has 3 children she doesn’t even pay child support to. Not to mention how much she asks me to buy her and just offers the I’ll pay you back. I can only wonder what pay back means to her. Just know they never follow through on promises. Words are easily manipulated and at the end of the day all you feel is frustrated when all you wanted to do is believe them.

boarding a narcissist : How do we get sucked in

Published April 17, 2015 by PeachyKeene

Narcissist  are charming individuals  who  know how to charm people as they often will say anything they think you want to hear. when it comes to asking for  help they never ask directly they  wait for you to offer or suggest it is what you owe them.

the way i ended up with the narcissist in my home is she made a plea for help on Facebook asking for a place to stay where she could bring her cat and her son could visit on weekends, she stated she didn’t have much to give, but would chip in when she could. i offered like the fool that i am.

in the beginning she sang my praises a little to over the top that it left me feeling awkward, though my family and friends often share their appreciation for me, it just stuck me as someone who is trying  little to hard. It is wise to avoid them as i often look at the narcissistic folk as a siren calling you to your death, they are definitely as deceiving as one.

The narcissist goes through 3 key phases in their relationship to those they consider their narcissistic supply. First they praise you and want you to feel flattered. They can either sense that you will offer them great supply or they think you both share something unique that makes both of you superior to the rest of the world. Don’t be fooled it’s all a show. In the beginning Fiona  the narc would shower me with over played raving of how wonderful I am as if to out do my husband and my brother who were thanking me for another meal that they liked. Every story of my husband or daily happening in our life’s she would say Awwww. She would shower me with little gifts, nothing of major value a snack here, a cute shopping bag there, just little things to make you feel beholden to her and make you want to keep helping her. Then one day it stopped … no more over played compliments and no little trinket gifts of I saw this and thought of you. Not that I cared as I felt a false sense about it when she would do these things and often knew something wasn’t right about the situation.

Then came the devaluation. This is what they do next once they think they have you where they want you and it is often for their narcissistic supply. They try to find ways to emotionally charge you and watch you explode, it gives them an emotional high knowing they can piss you off. Sometimes it’s so underhand others don’t notice it and some may never notice because narcissist are so deceptive and they want you to think you are going crazy. I didn’t notice when I brought Fiona and Chris together, she kept telling me something wasn’t right about her and I thought it was jealousy, that she was afraid of loosing my friendship and assured her that I thought she was a little excited because this was all new for her. My friend Chris however was relieved when I told her ok I get what you were trying to tell me.

Fiona would make passive aggressive comments that she would know I would see applying to me usually to deflect her own behavior like “I don’t have time to be on facebook, play games, or watch tv all day” She is someone who is glued to her electronics and I think would have a serious melt down if they were completely unusable. She even interupts you to tell you in a passive aggressive way that she finds things annoying. While reading an article to my husband about something that happened in a town in the USA, in her opinion I pronounced the town name wrong so in the midst of me talking she interrupts to say how she finds it annoying when people mispronounce words and tells me how it’s suppose to be pronounced. I put her in her place and she tried to justify her action to me. She also makes sure to tell me in great detail how disgusting she thought something was that she had to clean in my home if it’s not a mess made directly by her,her son, or her pet. Usually most of their actions are deniable they try to make sure they have no witnesses and triangulation is a tool which means they like to be the middle man so they can give you false information and watch you get angry about it. I often found her lying about things to try and appear that she had developed a closer bond to people in my home saying they shared things with her that they didn’t with me and the thing she didn’t count on is I would ask them. Everyone in my house was up to speed on her behavior and none of them were liking her being here.

The final stage in their relationship is they discard you when they see you no longer are of use to them. This is the stage I am praying will come soon. I asked her to leave my home by the end of the month, she said she will, but she hasn’t moved a thing I think she will go for the low blows of self pity to suck me back in, but I have firmly asserted I want her gone. Once they know you will no longer give them what they want they move on because you are no longer fun for them.

Boarding a Narcissist:Weekend Warrior Mom

Published April 16, 2015 by PeachyKeene

My house guest who I will call Fiona, has a son, who comes over for weekends, holidays, and oh yeah any time he is suspended for school. She is not a particularly involved parent and when she does get involved it makes you wonder why people like her are allowed to be parents. She informed me that her son has a diagnosis of odd ( oppositional defiant disorder) which they say The cause of ODD is unknown, but it is believed that a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors may contribute to the condition. After observing it I think her sons is strictly environmental.

Her son doesn’t seem to be able to follow directions, wakes my entire household at 7am, and gets into things that do not belong to him. I’ve had him ask to use my restroom in my room when someone was using the main one to come walking out of my room chewing gum he got from my bedside table and offering everyone a stick all while asking me questions about all the things he saw in my room. He opens drawers and my husband found him trying to play with his old Nintendo collection.

A lot of times I can’t help, but feel he is just craving attention and whatever attention he can get is good attention. Sadly his mother shows little interest when he is over she  often chooses to sleep over spending time with him, hands him her tablet to babysit him and at times had us be involved in reprimanding him because she doesn’t care to always enforce rules in our home. When she has her son apologize for his behavior she has him say to me “I’m sorry for being a jerk!” and I feel horrified to hear him say that. The few times I have spoke up, I felt awkward for needing to do so because as a mom I would rather handle my own children then have someone else do it, and tried to apologize saying I don’t want to feel like I’m stepping on your toes when it comes to your son and she responds back ” oh no by all means go ahead he seems to listen to you better than he does me!”

When she realizes her son is not behaving and waking the house she doesn’t even get out of bed to address her sons behavior she just calls out I’m sorry to whoever is addressing the issue since she won’t get out of bed to do so and honestly if you can’t give your son your full attention for the 2 days he is visiting you then why do you have him over?

Our children have just as much trouble getting along as my son prefers to be left alone and her son has no respect for my son requesting that he do just that, he bangs on my sons bedroom door, will stand at the entryway to our Florida room where we keep the computer and will lick the sliding glass door and call out his name to get his attention. He has shot his nerf dart gun at him when told no, basically doing anything he can to get attention.

His mother does nothing, often seems like she can’t be bothered with him, and often projects onto him. She cusses at him, tells him he is being a jerk, and if I want to do something with my family and not include them she tells him it’s his fault that I did not invite them which I often interject and say no i just wanted to do something with my family and give you 2 some time together.

Her sons bad behavior got so out of hand and I didn’t feel like I should have to raise her son so I sat her down to discuss needing to be awake and attentive to his needs because my family was upset by her lack of involvement and us being the ones getting up with him and having him get into our things. This talk would transpire a few times like she got up one day with him the first weekend after I mentioned it and blamed it on the alarm not being set up right on her phone. Then she would get up, but only to fall asleep shortly after and sleep for several more hours where he would get bored of the tablet and begin to wonder and get into things. Sometimes because of her sleep schedule and disinterest in her son she would miss when her husband she is separated from called to let her know plans for picking up their son and he would text me to have me tell her to call him and I would have to shake her to wake her.

I never thought it was possible not to like a kid, but I guess bad parenting can sometimes create the most ill mannered attention seeking individuals and I fear to be witness to this relationship as it transpires, she is really passive as a parent and he is really aggressive as a child. He is often in trouble at school for kicking and throwing chairs at other students and he has trouble accepting her telling him anything and has even got hostile with her by hitting her and all she does is push him away.

All I can do is pray for this child, but I really don’t want to witness what he will become. She definitely is the ignoring narcissistic parent.