Narcissism is a little to close to home for me

Published April 18, 2015 by PeachyKeene

Some may wonder  why I spend  in length  such great detail talking  about  narcissist . From the stories I share I hope to educate  others so they can recognize  patterns  in behavior  and develop  healthy boundaries  so they  can  distance   themselves  from those who are to selfish to consider your feelings  and your needs.

This subject  became one close to my heart after my husband’s accident  two and a half years ago when I made a crucial  decision  to  disown my mother’s  family. I struggled  with guilt and depression ,  I tried desperately  to understand why I felt the way I did when it came to  them in terms of never feeling good enough , hollow  and hurting . As I typed certain descriptive  feelings  into my Web browser  I kept having  search results  of narcissism thrown  back at me. I researched it to the point  of  obsession  so I  could  understand  for myself and  do what is best for  myself  so I could  heal.

I  have even made the classic  mistake  of  hoping  for  the  impossible , for them to  get  better . After 2 years of  not talking  to  my  mom  she found  another  one  of  my  social  network accounts  and sent me a message. I was sucked in by her lies  that she was now sober and making  changes to her life. I agreed to  meet  her and with sitting  with her I realized  I  had changed more than she  had. I politely  declined  to have  any  further contact  with  her and  then would ensue her anger and guilt trips. I  learned  not to respond  and get upset because  it’s  not my reality .

I feel  for the pain they had experienced  growing  up in a broken home because  I  had experienced  it to. However I know there are  two ways you can go with it, you can either let it keep hurting you and try to weigh the rest  of  the  world  down with it trying to break others the way you are broken or you can heal yourself and vow to protect yourself  and be more assertive, to choose love and help others,to not beat others down. They say the one way to know you aren’t  a Narcissist  is when it’s  a fear that you might be because  a Narcissist  wouldn’t  care  if  they  are .

My childhood  was filled  with  demons and I   take  pride  in  knowing  my son will never know the pain of my childhood . I  am  vigilant  in him knowing he is loved,is safe,that he doesn’t  have  to  worry  about  taking  care of  me,and is free of adult  worries. The most  I ever ask in terms of  emotional  support  is a hug because  it  makes any day better. I couldn’t  ever imagine  treating  him  the  way  my  mother  treated me.

I  realize  now  that  there  are  these  broken  souls  out  there ,they come  in  all forms and they latch onto the givers in this world as they are the empaths, they feel for everyone , and for a Narcissist  there is no greater  supply . In my own journeys  to protect  myself  I have learned to help others doesn’t  mean you have to let them take over your life and home, being to giving and not having  boundaries  is a very unsafe thing for your own mental health  and each time someone  disregards your  boundaries  it’s  important  to  be  assertive.

in my two  and half year journey  I have let go of the guilt  others  try to make me feel when I don’t  submit  to their demands, if someone  is being rude or hurtful I am assertive , and  in this process  I finally  know  what  it truly  means to  be  happy .  I  have  suffered  from  depression  all of my life and never  knew it was possible  to  actually  love and care about  myself .

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: