Sometimes as I begin to realize there are a lot of Narcissistic people in this world and quiet a few close to me I wonder if I’m going to have to turn my back on them until there is no one left. Maybe not everyone is, but it gets to be so daunting when you realize not only was your mom and grandma toxic narcissist in your life, but now your step mother. Sometimes I think it’s hard to see as some are so self focused that you really can’t see beyond the one who demands your attention for that given time. I know in the past I’ve spoken of my step mom as if she was an angel who showed me compassion when my own mother didn’t and now realize I was facing a very dramatic time in my life and the narcissist thrives on drama, to be close to it, it excites her.
When my husband was accused of undressing my brothers girlfriend with his eyes, she hid and stayed out of view, and within 15 mins. she had picked up the phone texting to thank me for a gift that she’d more than likely have no interest in if she truly wasn’t feeling well and would of waited till feeling better before she texted me. She knew I left upset and texted me and though I said I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now she would not stop bombarding me with text messages and messages via social media. She expected me to accept the way I was being treated and my husband was being treated. When she tried reconciling with me she refused to acknowledge my husband and I feelings about how we were treated, instead she kept flooding me with how she was hurt by my response to what they had done, her apology lacked empathy “sorry for whatever I did.” Then demanded I quit speaking to her and said to let my father know when I want to see him so she could leave so she doesn’t “hurt” anyone’s feelings. The classic narcissist resents others for having feelings especially if you feel the need to express to them how they hurt you, they do not do well with confrontation and ultimately want the focus to be on them.
When I once lived with my parents (dad and my step mom) I didn’t know a whole lot about personality disorders. I knew something was off with my step mom, but I didn’t know what. She’d read to much into something and would think I was trying to apply something about her when I wasn’t and she’d scream to the point of me being in tears not knowing what I did that set her off, My step brother for a time got close to me and would ask me for advice which resulted in her threating to kill herself and telling me I could finish raising him, their anger comes out of no where and blindsides you. They let my brother’s girlfriend steal from me with no repercussions in fact when I confronted her my step mom went on a screaming fit and it was the final of reasons I just couldn’t be in their house, the girl actually moved on to stealing from them and instead of an apology they expected me to sympathize with them for what they were now dealing with. They even let a friend move in with us at one time and even told her she could live the first month rent free and allowed her to get in my face about a bill she thought I should help pay (she had a faster internet service installed) she couldn’t ask me nicely to help contribute and truthfully the first month I think it was her duty to cover it as she wasn’t contributing anything else to the household. During the time of their friend being here I moved out which her stay was short lived. I had a lot of roller coaster relationships with the female maternal roles in my life. My dad is his wife’s enabler and it makes me feel parentless. I can’t count on them for the love and support I need so now I must more than ever love myself.
I for a time thought about trying to reach out to just my father before the break I decided to take for myself was up, then thought about my father not doing a thing to defend or protect me and was at times willing to blame me to appease his wife. I will speak to my dad alone when the time I have given myself has passed. I have come to accept that I can not expect much and will have to continue to be firm with my boundaries. Though many people have expressed having no interest in attending their wedding vow renewal for their 13th anniversary she still proceeds with her plans.
I know I serve the purpose of being her scapegoat and usually it’s the child who does well for themselves in life that is subjected to continual blame. The secrets I learn about her beloved son (golden child) make me sick to think of the context of their relationship he calls and needs anything she will drop everything and go, she obsessively calls him at least 10 times a day and gets upset if he doesn’t answer or call her back, she isn’t the least bit upset by his lack of respect for women he cheats on girls she doesn’t care, he’s had multiple pregnancies that resulted in abortions and she doesn’t even bat an eyelash. He gets parties, expensive gifts, special treatment, he even was given my dad’s old truck which my dad swore he’d never give him a vehicle cause he never gave me one. Yes to some extent it makes me upset that their isn’t a balance in the way they treat the 2 of us, but I know when they are gone he will struggle because of how codependent his mother has made him.
It gets hard realizing the dysfunction of so many adults that they tear holes in their kids and we are left trying to sew those wholes shut. I struggle almost daily knowing, no matter how hard I try and how open I leave my heart, people will not always be the way I hoped and exposing how vulnerable I am in wanting this relationship to be loving and harmonious will only get me hurt.
Who would of guessed I would keep finding more people to be cautious of that are just as toxic as the last. I have found happiness and I am working hard on maintaining my boundaries. I’m ready for this year to be over.