It becomes nearly impossible for me to get through a holiday without some remnant sadness lingering in the back of my head. As people talk about traditions and get together with their family I’m left mourning what will never be for mine and not because they aren’t around, but they can never be the person I need them to be and just in true fashion no one can make a person be what they need them to be, you either accept a person for who they are or you move on.
As Christmas approaches it marks my 4th without my mom and my 2nd without my dad. They are very much alive, but I decided Christmas was better without drama, fights, manipulations, and arguments. I still hold out hope that my father will grow a pair and tell his wife that one thing she does not have control or say over is his relationship with his daughter and grandson, hasn’t happened yet, but I hope it does. Until it does, I must go on living my life as if there is no pain or sadness. I try to bring joy to my son’s life so he may never know the pain and struggle that I have known. That the only memories he has are happy ones.
I have to often remind myself I did nothing wrong and that I’m just a bystander that was along for the ride of my own mother’s pain and insecurities, that she lacked the ability to love herself and refuse to put up with her own tormentors abuse. She may squabble at me whenever she pops up with an email out of nowhere that she owes me nothing that I’m an adult. I end up reminding her the same and get told what an awful person I am. I know she can’t make things right for me, however what she misses is I’m not looking for excuses I’m looking for empathy. “Sorry that you got hurt, there is no excuse for hurting you and I regret that I did because I love you so very much.” a true apology lacks excuses, the only message you should try to convey that matters is that you love them and that you never meant to hurt them, when you shrug your shoulders saying there is nothing I can do about it now you just need to get over it, you try to shut down that persons right to feel.
I want to believe there is a happy ending to this and if there is it’s not here, it’ in the afterlife. I try my hardest to take things one day at a time. I do my best to find my joy in making others smile. To know this is where the cycle ended and from the ash was born hope, peace, and a new found joy. I just wish they were a whole enough person so they could enjoy it to.