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All posts for the month June, 2017

The big reveal

Published June 30, 2017 by PeachyKeene

As my friend and I discussed in great detail the things that were becoming to hard to ignore, Mr.A’s laser focus on me, I couldn’t help, but ask my husband do you notice these things? am I crazy? cause I don’t think I’m imagining it, I don’t want his attention, but I see I am getting it.

Then my husband admitted that he knew his friend still liked me after him and I began dating. He didn’t know in the ways you can see a friends interest and have to reel them away, his friend openly and blatantly said to him that he knew that I liked him and I was going to be his, this coming from him months after my husband and I first moved in together. I was stunned to hear this, after I was told to excuse the things I found weird about him as simple misunderstandings related to how he grew up.

Before anyone starts to wonder what is up with my husband, he is a sweet rather passive man that people tend to take advantage of, sometimes he struggles with finding genuine friends and struggles with telling people what is bothering him, he too has cluster b parents, instead of struggling with confrontation he chose low contact and moved more than a 1000 miles away from his mom and his dad moved more than a 1000 miles away from him, but he’s come to terms with that actually might be a good thing. Since our relationship has begun I have seen his parade of looser user type of friends, occasionally he finds a good one, but his judge of character sometimes leaves more to be desired for.

However back to the reveal, when my husband let the words slip over his lips, I was stunned, I wondered how he just didn’t tell this guy to get lost, I mean most people would except for those who feel they deserved it or must keep quiet in order to get people to like them and he definitely was that guy, before me he was friends with ex girlfriends that cheated on him, he was the nice guy people used to feel less shitty about their shitty behavior. It didn’t make it feel any less violating, if I wasn’t made to believe I was to rash in my feelings and he was deserving of my friendship, if I had known this I would of never got close, I would of never been ok with it, I would of never been sold on his sob story because I would of known it was only a story to get me not to trust my own gut.

Realizing this, I now was seeing our relationship with him with the directors commentary I wasn’t able to hear until the movie was made, it played back every detail with an omg gut wrenching realization that had I ignored what others said and listened to my own commentary, this story would be completely different and he wouldn’t be so enmeshed in my life right now.

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Into the looking glass

Published June 30, 2017 by PeachyKeene

Just to save time, I will call this friend of my husband’s Mr.A (as in mr. annoying, but far shorter). Cue 2016 starting off poorly, the job my husband took to better our situation didn’t pan out, my husband found work, but it proved to not be the best in providing financially, I pushed Mr.A to find a job telling him we could no longer afford to financially support him, and he either began to pull his weight or we were just going to have to cut the line because we had to think of ourselves.

He got a job in February and with it things began to change. We weren’t going to renew our lease and applied for an apartment in the next town over, closer to the guys jobs, as we began to pack my best friend spent a lot of time in the final weeks before our move helping me as the guys were pretty hopeless especially Mr.A as he sat in a chair writing fiction stories in his notebook while he watched us work. However it was the way he acted towards me that began to draw attention.

I remember one afternoon getting sick and saying out loud who wants to come snuggle with me? What I was really wanting was the company of my friend to chat with while I laid down, my friend wanted me to rest and said she was going for a walk, but what surprised me was when I got to my bedroom door and entered the room I found Mr.A standing behind me in the door frame, I shut the door in his face and figured he didn’t get that I was joking about the snuggling part or that in any case I would never snuggle with him.

What I didn’t anticipate is how fast we’d notice how obvious some of his behaviors got. There would be times he couldn’t keep his eyes off of me, it began to creep my friend out when she would see him super focused on me. She’d ask do you ever notice the way he looks at you? Something isn’t right, she was right about that, once she said something and I looked I didn’t like what I saw. Sadly it only got worse once we moved into the apartment and even with the measures I have taken to distance myself it doesn’t stop his attempts to engage me.

When we moved I decided our electronics wouldn’t go in the living room, I was rather annoyed with how he had a tendency to hog them (when we were back at the house), but wouldn’t help us pack or move anything, so why should we let him enjoy something he doesn’t care for and did no work in helping move it. Something I didn’t realize would lead to him seeing my husband as worthless and unable to use so he would then discard him completely and make me his primary focus.

Mr.A like to use his eyes to manipulate and control a person and I began to realize it as there were often times he never spoke a word just looked into my eyes and expected me to anticipate his needs from the way he stared. If I tried avoiding eye contact he would practically shove his face in mine asking what is wrong? I exploded and told him I was sick and tired of him shoving his face in mine, after that when I looked away he no longer tried to manipulate me with eye contact.

However what gets to me is when he tries to invade my personal space by hugging me. Oh you are worried about the bills? Let me pay you back that money I owe you, but treat it like a favor I’m doing for you so I can hug you. Someone was being weird and making you uncomfortable, well let me now make you uncomfortable by hugging you and acting like I’m concerned even though you weren’t the only person that experienced it and really I should of just asked are you girls ok? Tired? Need a hug? Angry? Need a hug? You get the point, he’s just full of hugs for me. I constantly have my hand up in front of me protesting No! except for the few times he catches me off guard and grabs me.

Then there are the conversations, he overhears a subject and uses it as a Segway to talk about himself and his job, it can be other people talking to me and make a statement and he comes charging into the room asking about said subject while staring at me for the answer, and when we come home at night he never addresses my husband, I can’t begin to even count how much he says my name that I’m seriously considering changing it, things he can tell the room are never addressed to the room just me like how a husband goes onto his wife about<cringe>

Oh yes and more staring , like he keeps his eyes on his game console when friends and my husband enter the room, I walk in and his head about spins 360 to see what I’m doing. Even more upsetting is the times my husband and I bicker and I see him sitting in the floor in front of his game console and as I trail behind my husband bickering he looks up into my face grinning from ear to ear, something that most people would be to uncomfortable to be in the room to witness he is sheepishly grinning extra big at me and it annoys me, like he thinks he’s apart of some joke and really just seeing him smile like that makes me want to kick him in the face, like who looks either one of the people of that couple in the face and smiles while they argue with their spouse?

Then there is the creeping, like the floorboards in front of my door creak and you can hear him out my door. Then how he just knows things you said quietly in private, the only things he doesn’t know are the things we talk about when he’s not here. It’s mind boggling, but even worse of these offenses is if you looked in at the relationships as they are now you probably wouldn’t be able to tell my husband and him were once friends. You’d think the way he behaves towards me it was me he’s known all along. For example my birthday was last month and he asked me early on what I wanted for my birthday, my husbands birthday is tomorrow and he still has yet to acknowledge it. How is that for creep factor? However there is more to this story which will be in my next blog.

Conditioned

Published June 30, 2017 by PeachyKeene

You know that expression always trust your gut instinct? Believe in it, it never lies. The start of my relationship with my husband came from my failed relationship with his friend (ex friend now). The guy wasn’t very nice, he used people, he used my husband, he used me, what can I say we know how to attract them. I hate to say it, but my husbands judge of character is worse than mine.

When his friendship fell apart with this guy, there was a third friend, he chose my husbands friendship over this guy. The reasons became obvious, but disappeared with the excuses people made for his behavior and I tried believing those excuses until very recently my gut instinct made all the previous reasons resurface of why I should of trusted my gut instinct.

In the beginning of my husband and I relationship, we would hang out as friends, there were times his friend would be there, I worked overnights so on my nights off I would be awake at all hours, I’d catch my husband online and suggest grabbing a late night snack at sonic, followed by a walk on the beach, we’d just kind of chill until morning. Then there was a morning we all crashed at my house, my husband drifted off to sleep before his friend and I did. I couldn’t fall asleep after what happened next, his friend laid behind me and he stretched for my hand as I pulled it away, and whispered into my hair “a girl like you only comes around once in a lifetime, twice if a guy is lucky.”

I sprung up, unable to fall asleep with how this guy made his apparent feelings for me known, I didn’t understand how he couldn’t see it was his friend that I like(my husband). I thought he got it, as he watched my husband and I progressed into a relationship, I thought he knew there was no point in liking me anymore, I thought he got over me. I saw him go on to date other girls and I believed my husbands excuses for his bizarre behavior of “it’s because he grew up in foster care!”

At the back of my mind I always thought what is with this guy he is acting so strangely and it was always passed off with an excuse of growing up in foster care and a lack of love. From the one extremely bizarre time he tried to crawl into bed with my husband and I, to the time he tried laying his head in my lap, to the frequent hugs, all of it reasoned away. He’d blow up our phone every 15 minutes until we answered and agreed to let him come over. It was excused and reasoned away until I had no reason not to trust him, he became such an engrained piece of our lives, he was always there, and practically lived on our couch until he eventually just started living with us.

However everything changed, just this past year, things I was taught to trust were lies and my gut had been right all along, this guy was weird and his behavior would prove to me why I shouldn’t ignore it and then when I look back, what can you say hindsight is 20/20 and it showed me some very disturbing facts and only made me question how deep this obsession he has with me goes. I’ll get into what I began to notice in my next blog, otherwise this one might get to be too long.

Social Cues

Published June 27, 2017 by PeachyKeene

Something my friend and I started discussing in the past few months is how cluster b personality disorders are either rather ignorant to reading social cues for example body language or tone of voice and most likely the latter is they can and just don’t care.
I deal with this on a regular basis, I tend to be somewhat passive aggressive hoping this person will just get a clue that I’m not interested, but they proceed anyway and I should realize they are going to because even when I’ve taken the direct approach and honestly said to them I don’t care to know I’ve had them say to me “so” and continue to talk.
This kind of social response comes mostly from a sociopath as they aren’t even going to pretend to keep up social graces, most of the other cluster b’s will try to act as if they care only so they can discuss themselves, but a true sociopath doesn’t even try to pretend. Yes I have encountered my first known sociopath and intend to get into talking about him in further detail as there is a lot of shroud in how I was duped into having a relationship with him that I would of declined if I had known the truth, sadly there was quiet a few people who held onto pieces of the puzzle that didn’t make the picture as crystal clear until they were all put into place in front of me, however this is the person who makes us go wow how can he not pick up on these social cues.
Truth is he can and doesn’t care because he lacks empathy, a person with empathy would be like ok they are in a bad mood I’ll leave them alone, a person without is so selfish they will demand your attention and if you get more upset about your interaction it’s an added bonus because they enjoy vying an emotional response from you.

Is there anyone after interacting with them you feel more drained than energized? like it feels like they zap your energy that you have? That my friends is an emotional vampire and it’s time to either get them out of your life if you can, but if you can’t you need to learn to grey rock. To grey rock someone means you don’t show them any emotion, you talk in monotone and have a flat affect which means they will become bored with you when they can no longer elicit the kind of response from you that they use to be able to get.
Usually with the current toxic person in my life, I appear as the mindless zombie completely taken over by my cell phone, usually I’m the type of person to give my undivided attention, but with him I look at my phone as if I’m uninterested in what he has to say and if I must answer I try to make my response very brief so he can’t build off of anything I say or use it as a Segway into talking about something else as he is notorious for doing this. In one of my blogs I want to get into talking about him into further detail and how I’ve come to make adjustments to myself to better deal with him and my further plans for action.

I hope by sharing my experiences it might be able to help others dealing with similar situations, it’s not unusual to keep running into these kinds of people over and over again in your life as they often recognize something about you that other cluster b’s saw that made you appear to make great supply for them, mostly because you have empathy and they try to take advantage of that. We should never give up on being the kind souls that we are we just have to train ourselves to recognize these types of people and how to cut off their supply of us.

Update on me

Published June 27, 2017 by PeachyKeene

I have been away for such a long time, in the process of healing, studying and researching these toxic personality types, and setting plans for the future. I’m still running into these types of people and sometimes find myself more entangled than I care to be.

I started this year with a total need for transformation, fearing my health and watching others new years resolutions to loose weight I decided that I was going to do it too, but I made sure to tell people it’s my long term goal to lose weight and get healthy. I didn’t want to set this as a this year I’m going to loose weight, I told myself that the kind of weight I want to loose takes more than a year and I will continue to work on loosing it and maintain my weight through a lifestyle change. Fad diets don’t work, much like my life before I see nothing to go back to.

I’ve been at this since January 9th and managed to loose 40 pounds, I’ve made a lot of necessary lifestyle changes that I’m seeing a lot of positive results in my health including being able to reverse my diabetes that I am no longer dependent on medication to manage it. I’m still a ways off from my ideal weight, but at least I’m further away from the life that would eventually kill me. Now that I’ve caught you up to speed on some of my absence, I want to talk about some other toxic people in my life as well as traits I’m noticing in these cluster b’s that you might be able to relate to. Thank you for being patient with me not blogging.