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All posts for the month July, 2017

Breaking away from Mr.A

Published July 13, 2017 by PeachyKeene

The little games he likes to play hoping you’ll question him, that you’ll be intrigued, or at the very least he can try to manipulate you with. I honestly don’t know how Mr.A has so many people fooled into being a culpable adult who can hold down a management position, in two years he went from freeloader slacker to helping run a small store. I’m sure he is good at his job, these cluster b’s especially sociopaths excel quiet well in their jobs. However I wonder how they hired a person who doesn’t have a driver license for a position that he would be required to travel occasionally for important meetings and make bank deposits for the company.

I recall one night he texted me for a ride to the bank so he could make a deposit for his company, when I arrived, he fumbled around in his place of business and came out 10 minutes after the place was suppose to close telling me how a customer came in as the store was about to close and it’d be a half hour before he would be done, no apology for my effort of coming just said you can go now I’ll just walk. I honestly should of pulled out of the parking lot, but I saw the sky was ready to dump so I stayed. When he was done and came out, he got in the car, no thank you for waiting, as we drove to the bank he rambled on about an expensive 100k car he wanted, to me this is funny yet insulting, you are not paying me for my gas or time to give you a ride, you are not thanking me for helping you, he also wants a 100k car which to finance would probably cost him more than what he pays a month in rent, can’t even save money, heck he hasn’t even finished paying off his last mode of transportation (a bike which got stolen) because he leased it and he’d rather pay $20 a pay period then pay the 3 installment payments of $40 to be done with it.

He spoke of contributing more to expenses for things as groceries as before he barely made enough to survive and we helped greatly with making sure he got fed. Nothing has changed, all talk, which with most cluster b’s it is always just talk, so you’ll be dazzled by them. Besides where else could you live where you get Rent, water, electric, internet, groceries, no not just groceries, home cooked meals and the occasional ride for $600 a month, would you believe he thought that was to much, he tried to get away with $300. I’ve gotten where I don’t even see the point in providing home cooked meals as the first week of payday he dines out every night until he is to broke to do so, he usually will chow down on the saved plate of food for breakfast, so why cook for him especially when he does these stupid little happy dances thinking he must be special cause I cooked one of his favorite meals. All his crazy games he plays like refusing to put the scoop for the coffee in the container and insist hooking it onto the machine, so when I break the hook so he can’t hang it on the machine, he quits drinking, as if to protest, but occasionally he does drink it and adds it to the grocery list like I don’t know it’s low ( and yes I do know he isn’t drinking coffee at home as much as a can of coffee used to last only 3 weeks and now it last me 2 months).

Everything is a game, hoping I’ll ask questions, but I don’t because I don’t want to. The best part is knowing we both shift behind the silence with our own agenda, he doesn’t ask questions either, which gives me the option to reduce my contact, my efforts, and preserve my energy. I haven’t made him a home cooked meal in nearly 3 weeks, from now on it’s his favorite ramen, cereal, access to milk, and tv dinners. It saves me time, money, and energy as some nights I make a dinner for two for my husband and I and something simple for my son. I hope with the changes he begins to realize the context of our relationship has changed and we can transition to more of a flat mate relationship (I hate the Americanized word room mate because it sounds like you share a room…creepy). I can only hope it encourages him to move out on his own and he no longer sees me as supply. I don’t know how it will effect him, but one thing is for certain it feels good to cut the cord, I’m freeing myself from his sociopathic control and game plays a little more as we go along.

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The missed confession

Published July 3, 2017 by PeachyKeene

There have been many times among asking Mr.A to join us for family get together that I missed what he truly was saying because his excuse for not coming is he doesn’t like being around large groups of people that he has antisocial personality disorder. Do any of you know what that is? I didn’t know at the time, but along my research I have learned it’s just a nicer way of saying sociopath. A sociopath has disregard for, or violates, the rights of others. They don’t follow social norms and really don’t care anything about you, they just use you to fill their own selfish needs.

Had I known what this was like a decade ago I would of ran when he first told me. It explains all the times he said so to me when I asked for him to please not share his story, the times he ignored my best friends tears and continued to talk about himself, the stories of violence, the manipulative starring he does, honestly just everything about him. It’s just recent that I figured it out, as I struggle with people who are hurtful I tend to study their behavior in depth, it’s how I learn what I’m dealing with and how to recognize it if I should encounter it again. Sociopaths are far more insidious that your run of the mill narcissist, most of them can’t even  pretend to show interest unless they know it’s something they can manipulate you with

So he told me in complete honesty what was wrong with him and I missed it because I didn’t know it meant sociopath. , sociopath stare is often how they manipulate their prey, I strongly suggest you google it. While the typical symptoms may include (according to the mayo clinic):

Disregard for right and wrong
Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others
Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others
Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure
Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated
Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior
Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty
Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead
Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence
Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others
Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others
Poor or abusive relationships
Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them
Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations

Which I hate to say it, but each personality disorder in the cluster b seems very likely to overlap the other. It’s definitely heartbreaking to know he has no regard for others, but the only bright side to dealing with this cluster b (from my experience which will be different for each of you based on situation) with my particular situation is he has no control in this home or over me, I am no longer a friend, I just take care of the obligations of the home and have reduced most of my interaction with him to mere passing’s and payday run to the bank to receive his end of the financial obligation. If you have one of these types in your life, if you can get rid of him quickly, if you can’t then start researching strategies on how to deal with a sociopath, but mostly you’ll read to get as far away from this person as possible.

The Trickster

Published July 1, 2017 by PeachyKeene

What’s the most insidious thing he has ever done? He convinced my best friend that he was a nice guy. My friend had forgotten about my general annoyance and grievances with him and began to assume he must be ok if he was living with us. Well at the time he seemed like a redeeming guy when he helped around the house when my husband was in the hospital and walked with him at night so I could get some rest. He even tried acting like my gay best friend, except for he wasn’t gay, like that time of the month he was like your designated bff to eat pizza, chocolate and watch movies with.

What girl wouldn’t like the sound of a guy who is supportive of your vegetative state? Not to mention need I remind you how charming they are in the beginning and can love bomb you. When my friend let down her guard it was before we truly understood what he was and all the realms of cluster B personality disorders. She fell for it and all that day I sensed something was a brewing as I noticed them quietly talking among themselves, as I became more perplexed feeling paranoid that they weren’t telling me something, I didn’t find out until the next day when all was revealed, I felt sick cause I definitely didn’t think he deserved her, that he was an asshole, and feared telling her the truth that I don’t even think she should give him a chance. I’ve had friends accuse me of not wanting them to be happy when I expressed concern, I didn’t want her to think I was telling her what to do.

Fast forward to now and you’d never be able to guess that they once tried being a couple, there is no awkwardness because of them, only the way he is towards me. Now as I look back and try to theorize why he went after her? I can’t help but feel it was a great supply, my empathetic friend who’s emotions he could manipulate in either to make her cry or feel sorry for him. He made her his flying monkey telling her the horrors from his childhood so when I reached my breaking point and wanted him  to leave she’d pled with me to reconsider. The reason he is still here is because of the empathy she felt for him and the guilt I felt like I was somehow wrong for kicking him to the curb.

It was his complete disrespect for her that lead to their relationship ending, I was grateful it wasn’t volatile, I was scared that if it ended badly it would forever effect the way our friendship progressed, that my friend may never come over to my house again. It was ended by her without a fight, as she began to learn with me about personality disorders she began to highlight things she now sees as alarming and wish she had known then what he was now so she could of warned me.

She said there were times she’d ask him to take it easy on me as I was already under a lot of stress, she said he would chuckle like he was delighted with a grin on his face kind of shaking his head no and each time she asked he’d do it. One time she asked to watch a show with him, something we were all into and he shut her down completely telling her he only watches it with me.

However when things were back to normal, he would invade our girl time insisting on watching our chick flick movie with us and then acting out so to ruin our girls night. One night he did that and I stormed off, I told him I couldn’t stand the sight of him and was going to my room, he refused to leave me alone for a good half hour knocking and demanding I talk to him, I told him I didn’t want to talk. He then closed himself in the bathroom crying hysterically, my friend when returning from her walk tried to go in to see if he was ok, he wouldn’t let her in and nearly slammed the door on her fingers, she came and got me cause she was concerned, I really didn’t want to go see what the matter was I already felt so manipulated. I went and with the first word I said the door magically opened and he let us in, I felt the need to keep reintegrating I had a right to be mad, like I was supposed to apologize for getting mad that he violated my boundaries and tried to manipulate my emotions? I felt like that whole night was one big manipulation. There would be more, but he would no longer trick me with I’ll get help just so he could get me to hug him.

Now her and I both know what he is, he got to trick her like he tricked me. I vowed to her I’d be up front with her because I now know she values my opinion and knows I wouldn’t say it unless there was a reason. She promised to do the same, now that we know what they are we don’t let one slide by without sounding the alarm for the other.

 

Commentary reels for Mr.A

Published July 1, 2017 by PeachyKeene

So you’re probably wondering what memories swirled in my head and came flooding back with a commentary over them now that I’m looking back and seeing things with perspective? I can remember the first time I rejected him for starters, the moment I thought he knew to move on. We all were hanging in a group of people, my best friend was there, I remember her feeling bad for him, I told her about the move he tried to make, and he was taking it hard watching my husband and I holding hands, it was the beginning stages of our romance, when my best friend trailed off after him to make sure he was ok he tried to kiss her, she stopped him in his tracks, rejected more than once by 2 women in the same crowd.

I even think about the moment I first rejected his advance towards me, him and I goofed around, making jokes, playfully pulling each others hair, I thought we were becoming  friends, until he reached for my hand and said what he said(see my blog conditioned) I didn’t want him to think things had to be difficult or weird that there was the option of friends, I playfully pulled his hair and he? he placed me in a headlock that I could not escape(see complete sociopath, can’t even handle rejection) I guess he didn’t realize it was only going to play up to me liking my husband even more, I called out for his help and he helped me, he bent his arm behind his back and knocked his ass to the floor and directed him that he was never to do that to me again. What girl doesn’t like a man who can protect her?

I think about the first event I was invited to by my husbands family, we said he could chill at our house and as we were leaving he thought he was hysterical by rubbing his stinky armpit in my hair, I came close to not going to the party, I looked kind of sloppy showing up with wet hair because I had to wash it. The creepy things he said like I remind him of his birth mom, the truly bizarre things I was given excuses for like him laying his head in my lap or trying to hug me a lot. His need for me to approve of the girls he dated, the way he looked (not that he’d change it to appease me).

The time my husband had his accident, he waited at a friends apartment that lived in the same building as me waiting for me to come home when he read about my husband on facebook. He offered to be there to help, he did help, but I remember the first night of the accident and him being there, I couldn’t sleep in my bed without my husband , I told him I was going to sleep on the couch, when I woke up he was starring at me, when I wondered if I slept at all he assured me that I got at least 2 hours sleep. I couldn’t even get him to come see my husband in the hospital, it has to make you wonder what was going through his mind?

However I was conditioned not to believe the worst and as I broke away from my mom’s family, I was scared and weak , we agreed to let him move in with us so there was someone in the house when I picked my husband up from work. He tried acting like my protector wanting to kill or beat up anyone that hurt me, if I made my husband confront him on a issue he wouldn’t talk to him for days and want to remain chummy with me. He would always tell me when my husband was doing something that would have me upset with him, it was hard to say it, but I told him to quit telling me things like that, that it felt like he was purposely being destructive to our marriage.

He loves to see my husband and I argue, he beams from ear to ear as he looks at me. He walks away or looks away when we kiss, usually with his face in his palms. Just insidious layers of me being his sociopathic prey.