Being true to yourself has consequences

About Mid December I mailed my father a letter telling him I wanted nothing to do with the family he married into, that I was tired of being hurt and people expecting me to put up with the cruel ways they treated me, that I knew his wife had talked to my mother and I felt so betrayed. That my dad needed to sort out his priorities and decide if I was someone that mattered to him. I love my dad, but the truth remains he is his wife’s enabler , he has seen her behave in the most awful ways and never addressed her cruelty he just follows her lead.

A family friend of ours told me my dad was angry at her telling her it was all her fault, that it took one of her many attention seeking E.R. visits to get my father to break the silence. She even turned to them asking them to lie to me and tell me that they were moving out of the state which they refused to do, instead they told me about their odd behavior because they couldn’t understand why she would want to lie to me about something like that.

Then a few days after Christmas I received sad news that my cousin had passed away, she was so young with so much life ahead of her. We were more than cousins we grew up like friends. I went straight to my grandmother’s when I found out and not surprisingly they didn’t tell her we weren’t speaking when she asked him to share the news with me. As I grieved the loss of my cousin, my dad’s wife came up with her next lie and had one of her friend’s deliver it. I should of known no matter how kind you think a person is if they are friends with a snake they’re probably one to.

Despite the fact that My dad’s wife and I were not getting along I kept people on my facebook that were her friends who I considered to be kind, I looking back on it realize how foolish it was as the fact remains they were her friends, I just don’t like to base my judgement of others on one persons opinion unless that opinion is my own. So her friend let me see how far her poison could sink as her friend wrote on my wall the same message she sent to me privately That my father and his wife were splitting and she was moving out. I didn’t respond, I spoke with family which it was confirmed it was a lie. Not even during a family tragedy does a narcissist back off instead they behave worse.

Then I found out how foolish I was to think I’d ever get to have a relationship with my dad. As I thought he should know what has been going on as well as us try to start the new year off right, I attempted to call his cell phone so I could speak with him without having to speak to her and she answered his phone. I hung up feeling so let down, he really signed himself over to her which the only way to have a relationship with my father meant enduring the abuse and drama. In that moment I knew our chances of having a relationship were slim.

My father has a type…. “Narcissist”. Which leaves me parent-less. I just wish I had known like a decade ago what I was dealing with.

 

 

Narcassistic Mother Syndrome

Sometimes as I begin to realize there are a lot of Narcissistic people in this world and quiet a few close to me I wonder if I’m going to have to turn my back on them until there is no one left. Maybe not everyone is, but it gets to be so daunting when you realize not only was your mom and grandma toxic narcissist in your life, but now your step mother. Sometimes I think it’s hard to see as some are so self focused that you really can’t see beyond the one who demands your attention for that given time. I know in the past I’ve spoken of my step mom as if she was an angel who showed me compassion when my own mother didn’t and now realize I was facing a very dramatic time in my life and the narcissist thrives on drama, to be close to it, it excites her.

When my husband was accused of undressing my brothers girlfriend with his eyes, she hid and stayed out of view, and within 15 mins. she had picked up the phone texting to thank me for a gift that she’d more than likely have no interest in if she truly wasn’t feeling well and would of waited till feeling better before she texted me. She knew I left upset and texted me and though I said I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now she would not stop bombarding me with text messages and messages via social media. She expected me to accept the way I was being treated and my husband was being treated. When she tried reconciling with me she refused to acknowledge my husband and I feelings about how we were treated, instead she kept flooding me with how she was hurt by my response to what they had done, her apology lacked empathy “sorry for whatever I did.” Then demanded I quit speaking to her and said to let my father know when I want to see him so she could leave so she doesn’t “hurt” anyone’s feelings. The classic narcissist resents others for having feelings especially if you feel the need to express to them how they hurt you, they do not do well with confrontation and ultimately want the focus to be on them.

When I once lived with my parents (dad and my step mom) I didn’t know a whole lot about personality disorders. I knew something was off with my step mom, but I didn’t know what. She’d read to much into something and would think I was trying to apply something about her when I wasn’t and she’d scream to the point of me being in tears not knowing what I did that set her off, My step brother for a time got close to me and would ask me for advice which resulted in her threating to kill herself and telling me I could finish raising him, their anger comes out of no where and blindsides you. They let my brother’s girlfriend steal from me with no repercussions in fact when I confronted her my step mom went on a screaming fit and it was the final of reasons I just couldn’t be in their house, the girl actually moved on to stealing from them and instead of an apology they expected me to sympathize with them for what they were now dealing with. They even let a friend move in with us at one time and even told her she could live the first month rent free and allowed her to get in my face about a bill she thought I should help pay (she had a faster internet service installed) she couldn’t ask me nicely to help contribute and truthfully the first month I think it was her duty to cover it as she wasn’t contributing anything else to the household. During the time of their friend being here I moved out which her stay was short lived. I had a lot of roller coaster relationships with the female maternal roles in my life. My dad is his wife’s enabler and it makes me feel parentless. I can’t count on them for the love and support I need so now I must more than ever love myself.

I for a time thought about trying to reach out to just my father before the break I decided to take for myself was up, then thought about my father not doing a thing to defend or protect me and was at times willing to blame me to appease his wife. I will speak to my dad alone when the time I have given myself has passed. I have come to accept that I can not expect much and will have to continue to be firm with my boundaries. Though many people have expressed having no interest in attending their wedding vow renewal for their 13th anniversary she still proceeds with her plans.

I know I serve the purpose of being her scapegoat and usually it’s the child who does well for themselves in life that is subjected to continual blame. The secrets I learn about her beloved son (golden child) make me sick to think of the context of their relationship he calls and needs anything she will drop everything and go, she obsessively calls him at least 10 times a day and gets upset if he doesn’t answer or call her back, she isn’t the least bit upset by his lack of respect for women he cheats on girls she doesn’t care, he’s had multiple pregnancies that resulted in abortions and she doesn’t even bat an eyelash. He gets parties, expensive gifts, special treatment, he even was given my dad’s old truck which my dad swore he’d never give him a vehicle cause he never gave me one. Yes to some extent it makes me upset that their isn’t a balance in the way they treat the 2 of us, but I know when they are gone  he will struggle because of how codependent his mother has made him.

It gets hard realizing the dysfunction of so many adults that they tear holes in their kids and we are left trying to sew those wholes shut. I struggle almost daily knowing, no matter how hard I try and how open I leave my heart, people will not always be the way I hoped and exposing how vulnerable I am in wanting this relationship to be loving and harmonious will only get me hurt.

Who would of guessed I would keep finding more people to be cautious of that are just as toxic as the last. I have found happiness and I am working hard on maintaining my boundaries. I’m ready for this year to be over.

Sometimes you need confirmation

Just as I was reaching my two year mark of disowning my mother I got an email from her from a different media account where she apologized for hurting me and claiming she wanted to set things right. Somehow for a short time I believed her because for once she wasn’t blaming me or telling me it was my fault. I decided to give her a second chance, my terms were that we needed family counseling in order for this to be a possibility for us to work things out. Too eager to want to see me she set up a meeting, I came alone, my thoughts were along the lines of what could it hurt if we stick to neutral topics.

We sat in a fast food restaurant as she chatted about her recovery, her health, and her life. It felt difficult to be a part of the conversation as she dominated most of it. I spoke of the hurtful things she said to me and she stared at me as if she didn’t remember. Kept telling me it was in the past as if to ignore it. She continued to insist that she did get cancer, and in the back of my head began the list of what I would want to discuss in family counseling as still she doesn’t resemble anyone who could of had cancer in the last two years as she remained her same robust weight with her long flowing red hair which looked like it hadn’t received a trim in two years, Being someone who worked in the nursing field and have had friends who have had cancer, I just found her story to be unbelievable. I felt overwhelmed about the amount of lies she was telling and expecting me to believe wanting sympathy from me.

After my second visit, she got extremely arrogant, demanding, and pushy. She thought she could buy my son with gifts and after each one he received, each note she’d send, she’d ask does he forgive me now, can I see him now? I’d tell her sorry no he’s not ready, he is someone who is going to need time. As if it were owed to her she got very haughty and said fine she was going to be around people who wanted her around, other people who’s grand kids also thought they were assholes which I said it’s your behavior that got you where you are and don’t you forget that and treat my son as if he isn’t entitled to his feelings. She backed off for the moment.

With my sons resistance to want to try at all or go to family counseling, I asked him to share his feelings with me, he told me he doesn’t think we should trust her or give her a second chance that we were only opening ourselves up to be hurt more and he felt I did the best thing I could of done by walking away so we could have a better life, he told me it worked and now we are all happy. I respect my sons opinion greatly, my mom and grandma would of never respected my feelings in such a way and would of just told me to bad wither I like it or not I would have to tolerate the people that hurt me. So with knowing my sons feelings, my own feelings of feeling like nothing is different, it was just a matter of telling her sorry this was a mistake.

I wanted to wait for Christmas to pass so not to ruin her holiday. The day of Christmas I got one email where she wished my family a merry Christmas and said she knew I had to be busy with my family, but just wanted to wish me a merry christmas. as I got home from the long day of visiting family she sent another message trying to plan a family trip asking us to please be her children and how she missed us her babies. Reading that a wave a nausea washed over me, the thing I told her I didn’t want and there she was trying to cross my boundaries.

Just so you know there is no letting a person with this much dysfunction down easily. When I expressed that I could not force this on my son she questioned how I was raising him if he could not forgive her and told me thinking she would do things to hurt us that I was sick in the head and needed help, so my reservation after she hurt my family made me the twisted one? I let loose and told her my son would win over her any day that he is more important to me than she is and that is the difference between us, that I take my job as him mother to be more important than any other relationship and she is the only person who doesn’t respect that and wants to treat him like because he is a kid he doesn’t matter. Then I removed myself from her grid where she could reach out to me.

I felt horrible right after, I was hurting, and I know she had to be hurting. It made me regret opening that can of worms, but on the other end of it, it had given me reassurance that I made the right choice, she would still always be who she was and that meant I’d end up feeling broken in her wake, I love my life now, why would I undo my happy ending? I had nothing to gain by accepting her back into my life and I now have made peace with that. if it’s ever to be fixed it will be in heaven.

Still here and slightly less broken

It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog. I guess I’ve reached that point in my life that I don’t think about my mother almost every day like I use to, we are quickly approaching the 2 year mark where I said enough and walked away from her. I wish I could say I was all better on the inside, but I have wounds and scars that I think will never heal. I have triggers and more than anything I’d like to feel peace, but when someone sets off my trigger I am not the nice girl everyone counts on me to be. I am starting to learn for my own well being that is ok because those who count on me to be the nice girl are often the people who have no respect for me and often expect me to put up with their bad moods and attitudes. I’m the girl who still struggles to find her voice and I’m still learning what life after fall out is like.

The last time that I heard from my mom was just as Easter approached, she sent a letter, instead of the previous message where she told me I was right she refused to acknowledge the reasons I had to make the choices I did and told me how rotten I was for pushing her out of my life, that if I remember nothing good she should of never had me. It was obvious to me that she had me to serve herself and thought nothing of what it means to be a mother, to love your child, to want to see them happy. It was the last time I would let her hateful letters touch my sight and fill me with sadness, and she thought she could smooth over the bitter feelings with writing me a check and telling me to go on a nice date night with my husband.

I wrote her back telling her from this point any letter she wrote me would be returned unopened, that she would never understand and that was ok  I know why I had to make the choices I did, that her letters did nothing constructive and that I did not need anything from her. I returned her check and asked that she not write because it would be returned. So far I’ve managed to live where I’m at for a year and a half without her finding out where I am. She still litters her page with post about missing my family and uses my husband and I’s full name in her post hoping her friends will take pity on her and harass me to reconcile with her, in the almost 2 years only one friend has and seemed to miss how it’s up to her not me to fix herself. She tries to proclaim she is getting better and everything she is doing is for me, I just feel like it’s all for show, let alone don’t exit your on and off again relationship with your drinking buddy and say it’s for me. If you had been considering the things I had told you way back in the day you’d never got back with him.

She just won’t get it and I will forever feel the need to look over my shoulder to make sure she isn’t sneaking up on me. To protect my family from the woman who did her damnest to destroy me. I would of never believed anyone if they told my past self that I was going to walk away. It was never a thought that crossed my mind, but everyone has a breaking point, so if you are someone who challenges and pushes the limits of a relationship, don’t be surprised when that person snaps. Mine was a random fight she couldn’t let go of and her trying to gain my time and attention during a time I was getting little sleep as I took care of my husband recovering from a car accident on a day where I was trying to put my son first trying to make sure the after effects of my husbands accident didn’t effect his Christmas running on a few grains of sand from mr. sandman and lots of coffee (those who know me know I never drink coffee). It wasn’t even the argument it was what she did to try and get attention from me and the fact that she was that utterly selfish she couldn’t understand or be helpful when I was so worn down, but that is a narcissist for you.

I’m almost convinced that the entire world is touched with personality disorders and that it’s just some are more toxic than others. I’m no psychologist, but I do see a lot of people who have dealt with things not in the best of ways. I’m still looking for my place in the world where who I am makes sense, but at least I found those who accept me for who I am.

“Just ignore them and your PTSD will go away.”

It seems when overcoming your relationship with a narcissist most people fail to realize the traumatizing effects and that most of the signs you exhibit could be classified as signs of ptsd. When feeling at a loss for what I experienced and sometimes not being able to get past it people will tell me to move on, I am dwelling to much on the past and I should just ignore her. Well gee why did I not think of that before you told me? Oh right, I did, and it doesn’t work just ask my parents who had a stack of junk for me to pick up that she insisted they come get it.

My mother contacted my parents through a messaging site, saying she had stuff that belonged to my son and I, and someone needs to come get it cause she is moving. With that she added the question is there anything I want in specific? My parents asked what do you want us to get back from her? I said my son’s baby photo that is in a Winnie the pooh frame that was given to me by my friend. The reason that one item felt more important than anything else I could receive from her was it was the one thing she held over my head knowing how much I wanted it and would taunt me by having it on display in her home.

My parents met with her at her home one Saturday afternoon, she had my “stuff” waiting in the driveway. She enthusiastically greeted my parents as if long lost friends, they said her property looked much like a trash dump as there was stuff everywhere, my mother would make a great addition to hoarders as she is such an avid collector of stuff that there is no place to sit in her living room, she has a font bedroom stacked to the ceiling full of stuff and 3 sheds full of stuff that the only thing you see on the front side of her trailer is the entry way.

She proceeded to tell them about her health problems still insisting she has breast cancer, but presents no visible signs of ever going through Chemo, but makes no claims to getting a mastectomy and still states she has it now a year later with her thick red hair still intact. If I don’t believe her she told my parents she could provide me with a disc that has all the information about her cancer, they told her that won’t be necessary, but just like me are skeptical as they also have had friends battle breast cancer and not one of them had their hair while doing it. It is one of her many stories to try and gain sympathy and play the martyr, and now she has shingles and to prove it to my parents she dropped her pants in the driveway to show her lower abdomen.

Once past her failing health stories, they gathered the few items she had waiting in the driveway. She returned the frame I asked for stating to them she didn’t even knew she had it and thought I took it a long time ago. Of course she’ll never admit how she had it on display in her home and I’d pick it up and ask for it back and she’d say no or how I’d try to sneak it out of her home and she’d stop me at the door and insist I give it back knowing she would find ways to punish me if I didn’t. Of the other items given to them there was very little that belonged to my son and I, just a bunch of meaningless junk she wished to pawn off on me.

As we discussed their visit with my mom and the hells and horrors of my past with my mother, they had a friend that stopped in and was hearing the conversation. She was like you should just ignore her. So I told her if there was no promise of me getting the things that she stole from me, mementos of my son’s, I would have. Do you know what it’s like to have a child and someone take away some of the joys and reflections you have of your child growing, as if a adoptive parent, you have few photos to recall his childhood because someone else holds them and not because his past belonged to solely them, but as a cruel way to hurt you. Everything done their way or you may suffer the wrath of their consequences and you just don’t ignore someone that has been your bully or tormenters. They know how to twist you and hurt you when they are that in depth with your life, this isn’t some random guy spouting his disdain for you this is a person who knows how to work their way into your life and make your world feel totally frail, who mocks you for wanting their love and support.

I told her it is to easy for people to tell you to ignore it especially when they didn’t grow up how you did, having people that lied to you your whole life and viewed you as property. who didn’t attend to your emotional needs and often punished you for having them. I told her I didn’t see a nurturing home life until I moved in with my parents at the age of 26. I just never talked about it, because I felt ashamed like everything was my fault. I told her what led me to where I am at now and told her that is only the front cover you have no idea what my childhood with her was like, it wasn’t a good relationship and if I went into depth you’d wonder why people like that are aloud to raise children. I said my dad wanted me, he went through his own hell when he was with her, and tried desperately to get custody of me to spare me, but the courts favored her and they were wrong.

People will always tell you it is as simple as ignoring the person without knowing the situation. Never knowing the pain of someone who only loves themselves and is suppose to be a key relationship role. It isn’t ignoring, we avoid them, change our number, move, block and set our accounts to private, we quit going places we fear running into them. We may not talk about them every day, but on days like this when a painful piece washes to the surface, we have a right to finally feel what we were forced to repress for the length of having this person in our life. These actions, the anxiety, fear, and pain we live through it’s called PTSD and some days will be like it never existed and some days will be worse than they ever appeared.

I want to be better than she last remembered

The stress of a year of constant hiccups and trying to heal had got the best of me. I spent most of the year flailing about at the slightest brush of stress, inconvenience, or heart ache. It robbed me of being able to prevent the things I feared most or wanted to do for the better, now I must back track to make them happen. As I came falling from the strings my mom pulled getting caught in the cords on the way down, I let the positive things I was doing for myself slip away from me as well.

I am a big girl, coming from a family who is big, my mother’s family loved the buffet’s and were the encouragers to get their money’s worth never mind that it didn’t teach you about proper health and nutrition. Coming from families with big waist lines means diseases like Diabetes. My dad was diagnosed with Diabetes just prior to my sons 12th birthday. When my son’s birthday arrived we had plans to take him to a theme park which was just miserable because my mother came. She took off with my families tickets that would grant us access to the water park section of the park and made me catch up to where she was at if I wanted them. It was in the 100 degree range that day here in Florida. By the time I caught up with her I had heat exhaustion. Which when I complained I wanted to throw up and pass out my mom made it a competition by saying she felt the same way. It was a bad weekend trip and the only reason the second day was any better is because my husband’s family tried to buffer the situation.

I came back from that trip thinking of how miserable I felt and couldn’t help but feel being overweight did me in faster cause I was drinking water I just wasn’t getting nearly as hydrated as everyone else because I was Obese. I decided to loose weight and not any of those gimmick weight loss methods, no pills, shakes, drinks, or injections just watching what I eat, smaller portions, and making healthier substitutes for things we ate every day. From The end of July to the end of December in 2012 I lost 30lbs. November of 2012 my husband was in a major motor vehicle accident and then because of my mother thinking she was mother superior and she should be first in my life as we tried to get our life’s back together I walked away from her December 2012. She spent the entire year that my family has been absent from her life stalking us, that we moved and changed our number, but that does not stop her harassment of our extended family who is in our life and our friends.

I gained back about half the weight I lost. I kept extending when I’d get back on track, making excuses, wishing I hadn’t allowed her to stand in my way of a better me. Then I started noticing things that made me think I was to late in stopping myself from developing diabetes … extreme thirst, frequent urination, always hungry, always tired, and I got a yeast infection that no matter what I tried I could not get it to go away 😦 I got a free glucose meter over the holidays and decided one morning I would check my fasting blood sugar( blood sugar after 8 or more hours of no eating) it was 320. That is high, I knew then that I had it. I got a doctor’s appointment and had it confirmed. The doctor’s plan:  medicine, diet, and exercise. So there is no more excuses, if I want to avoid insulin I have to keep taking my pills, eat healthy and exercise.

I have already started putting the plan in motion. It is my goal to loose weight, so I can keep my blood sugars in check. I want to be a shining example of health if I should ever run into her again. I know she may never see how my life got better and will probably take credit for all the positive changes she sees before her and has nothing to do with, but I will know my life got better the moment I decided to let her go. That I didn’t need her to make it happen and that it’s something she can’t take away because I built this life from the ground up for me and my family. With the closer I get to my goal, I remove a piece of the negativity I dealt with for years because all my weight is is a reminder of my past, their negativity and every unhappiness I felt. Exercising will help boost my endorphins  and bring happiness back to my life that I lost through many critisms, being locked away for their mistakes, and encouraged to follow extremely unhealthy habits. They may not see or know it, but I will, my life got better.

Impressionable Words

Just as my wedding anniversary approached, feeling ecstatic because I was going to see a band I had been a fan of for nearly 20 years I get a text message from my husband’s aunt that a letter came there for me to pick up. In the envelope addressed to me in care of her was a letter from my mom. One that through the first read tugged at my heart strings as she professed her latest mishap that got her arrested and she finally admitted “yes I am an alcoholic and need help!” After careful reading repeatedly I began to realize her letter was nothing more than a manipulation, that if she lied, put me down, and told me what I wanted to hear I would come running back to her side and possibly vow to never leave again.

Just reading it with her lies, drawings, and criticisms made me infuriated. I kept wanting to wager a reply one that spoke volumes. I found as I began I had a 6 plus page letter defending myself. I realized it wasn’t the way to go and only gave her the power. I wrote to her not defending myself, but standing up for myself. Not seeking her approval or tolerating what she had to say about me. I told her where she failed me, that I had enough and my son was going to have a better life because I refuse to keep dysfunctional people in his life, that she would no longer hurt my son and I.

Even though I wished her the best I think the only thing that is going to force her into being sober is being forced by going to prison or a court appointed detox. Then without a second thought I stuffed that letter in an envelope and mailed it. Before her letter even made it to her, a co worker emailed me on facebook concerned about my mothers disposition and pleaded with me to resolve my grievance with my mom saying she needs me. I tried being polite telling her the problem wasn’t mine to fix and it really wasn’t any of her business, after a few messages back and forth I resolved to tell her if she was so concerned about her that she should help her, but not to come look to her daughter to fix it, that I got tired of being that for her cause she never helped herself.

With her coworker resigning to not respond any further, the letter arrived shortly after and as I spied on her facebook page I got confirmation that she received my letter. Her facebook status said “I got a letter in the mail that said Happy Halloween on the envelope that I was excited to read until I learned it was from the wicked witch of the south. I poured my heart and soul out to her and she ripped me to shreds and called me a liar.” Just to give her that final smack into the dirt I emailed her arrest record and pointed out what the document said as proof that she was lying. Then once again mean little I hate my daughter statuses disappear and ones of I love my kids and until you understand this you are not grown appeared. it is a cycle which she has on repeat, but I find myself rising above the ciaos to a life she always dreamed of having, but more importantly I dreamed of having and I got it.

I have mixed emotions about my mother and all that I am certain of is I just want her to go away indefinitely, not to wish her the worst, but a life where we are null and void and she can leave in silence however that will never happen. Her bruised fragile ego can’t handle the fact that someone who is suppose to be family for life didn’t love her enough to stay. My grandmother ruined her, someone ruined my grandmother. I hung onto the few good people in my life and like a ladder they helped me march out of the pit. A year later from when all the drama started and for once I am excited about life, my family, holidays, togetherness and feel I got a chance at freedom and life.

When life happens

Life always seems to pick up this month with lots of activities, field trips start, family fun days to places like theme parks, pumpkin carving parties, and most of all my wedding anniversary. The hardest part of this month was finding a day to take our computer that needed repair into a repair shop and I spent the first few weeks of this month using my phone as my main source of internet connection. I was checking my facebook one day when my friend shot me a message asking me if I had been on the sheriff’s page as of lately. I assumed she meant the latest case we were following and said oh I meant to comment about that case but haven’t got to. She said Oh I’m sorry I should of been more clear, your mom was arrested today. Before I could wager a response I shot over to the website where I pulled up my mother’s mug shot which somewhat reminded me of nick nolte’s mug shot of deshoveled mess. She had been picked up for shop lifting from the store my husband works at. I had to wait for Monday for her arrest affidavit to be posted to their site just so I could read all that she had done.

Alcohol most definitely played a role in her crime, as I read of the things she had done, all I could think about is all the times she criticized me and had I been present in her life for this what she might of said to diminish it when any of my wrong doings were seen with extremely bias eyes of opinion. I know she would of called me to come bail her out, wanted me to comfort her much like a mother does a child, then point out something I made a mistake at so she doesn’t have to live with her own guilt. It can be a mixture of emotions watching the narcissist you escaped from coming apart at the seems. You feel relief that she has made such a mess of her life she can no longer worry about you and possibly because she is facing dire consequences she may be forced to accept some of the help she previously rejected (at least for substance abuse). You may even feel sadness to watch a person fall apart in such a fashion. Never mind how cruel my mother has been, the healthy thing was to walk away, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. As much anguish as I feel about the things she has done that kept me from a healthy productive life, I still realize this is a cycle that has been repeated and I was the lucky one who got to rewrite the future and give my child the things my mother could not give me because she never figured out the steps to break the cycle. I actually begged my mom to walk away from her abusive mother, she refused, in fact she ignored my level of discomfort and pushed me to have a relationship with my grandmother when she knew I didn’t want one. She trapped herself and came apart at the seems because her worst fear is realized she is alone and she wasn’t loved enough for someone to stay.

The best part is this gives my mother no sense of ability to seek my family and friends out, you can’t keep saying oh my poor grandson needs me like you feel so bad I am his mother, when it is pretty solid that my sons needs are taken care of and the most she has to offer him is a person spinning out of control. I wonder how deeply the events in this past year are going to effect the rest of her life. Her crime is considered a felony, the career she loves so much will probably be gone once convicted and to think she was so angry when I gave up my career then her she does something that ruins it so she may never have the choice to return to it. I hope the judge takes serious note of her being under the influence of alcohol and orders her to participate in a sobriety program. I use to fear her drinking, not because she was a mean drunk, but she was stupid she came up with crazy ideas and worst yet didn’t regard the safety of others and would drink and drive usually with my family in the car which we argued about repeatedly and she would resort to lying expecting me to believe “it’s apple juice and not beer in her red solo cup.”

It just seems like all the chips are falling into place and after a years time we are going to see for certain where life takes us. I am devoting my time to getting myself taken care of health, mind, and body. I enjoy being here for my family, but I am considering once I am taking care of myself, it might be wise to find an activity that gets me out of the house like have a part time job while my son is in school or going out once a week during the middle of the week just to get away from a house full of guys. I will probably always wonder what is to become of my mother, as much as I am happy to be away, feeling justified by my choice to leave, I never wanted to see her life destroyed or her destroy herself. I don’t care how bad things get I will never go back I will never give in to her and the one biggest lesson I have learned is I am not responsible for her, I am for myself and if someone stands in the way of me being great and only make things worse then they don’t belong in my way. Life is forever changing with every breath you take either appreciate what you have or in the next breath watch it disappear.

Life will happen if you allow it to, when you quit looking back so much, it will carry you away and sometimes take you by surprise.

Hear me roar

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over my anger of my mother’s lies, it really is hard for a narcissist to admit their wrong. They still proclaim where other’s owe them tribute. At first I thought the way to be better and feel better is to take the high road and forgive her. That will bring peace to my life. Now I’m not so sure that this is the way to feel better or will bring about the things I want for my life. It’s better to let her know if she sees me that I am angry because she won’t understand my peaceful stance and walk right over as she does it every day she lies to the world about the dysfunctions of our relationship. She tries to minimize her fault in me walking away from her which shouldn’t surprise me and for someone who presents her life to the world on facebook it amazes me how much she post about god and in between those post are family problems and pic post from the net about alcohol. Wonder if her friends pieced it together that she post about god is because she needs him because she is broken she hurt her family and looses herself in alcohol.

As I am realizing there is nothing that says I have to forgive, I am allowed to be angry and should be I just don’t have to carry it with me all the time. It needs to be there to give her the point that I am not going to ever give her the opportunity to walk all over me ever again.The important part is I am now finding my voice and I think Katy Perry’s new song Roar really captures how I feel…

I just feel like making my voice known to her that I am not going to take it anymore and for a future blog I am going to discuss the lack of support you get when moving on without a parent. There is still a Hugh range of nonacceptance, but it is being more readily done to end cycles of abuse and pain.

Go away so I can start my new life

So I’ve been away from my blog post for awhile. We are starting to wrap up a summer break here and get ready for back to school. I am feeling better and stronger every day. In fact I think I have surprised my friends and family surrounding me. As per usual my mother has surfaced in many of my family and friends life’ s in one way or another, mostly e mail. After such a great deal of time passing and she surfaced with yet another attempt I was surely anger at first, but then I learned to get better control over my emotions. Just at the start of spring a box of clothing surfaced on my husband’s aunts door step. She called me immediately to ask if I left it, then later she found a note she swears to me wasn’t there before scrolled on the box. I was enraged and wanted my aunt to respond with almost a sense of lighting it on fire and telling her to stay away. My Aunt isn’t for dramatics or making a scene and her idea on dealing with it is rather clever, she decided to just leave the box on the door step until she had time to deal with it to give her the notion not to leave any more things at her door step. I admired her for this and this was the start to me realizing that any over exaggerated response I had for her was me giving her exactly what she wanted.

As summer proceeded she emailed a close friend of mine and my husband, as we sat together looking at the email she sent to both of them, they witnessed her habitual lies and how one story changed so much from one person to the next. My friend looked to me for how it should be handled and I said block her, the old me would insist she needs told off, but I realized she just wants you to say something, anything in order to feel she exist in your life and is important, so what greater hell for a narcissist then to realize no one even finds you important enough to even respond. It was as if she was a hurricane on her way to town and everyone boarded up the windows when she was about to arrive, no one cared about the hot air she was about to toss around. Honestly seeing the lies she has to tell others to try and get sympathy over our situation is what makes me want to laugh, she fails to see that others want someone  in their life who is more about honesty and being genuine, it is possible to love someone who lies, but not when their lies are meant to hurt those around them or manipulate them.

Growing up I just felt like I was nailed to the floor, only their because they needed me to be for them, I was the place they dropped off their baggage and cleared the air. I was were they stored their negative energy. I often felt so drained from all their negativity like kryptonite to super man their negativity was making me weaker by the day and harder to move. With them gone and the strength building in me I actually have things I am looking forward too, just random things I use to never look forward to cause with them it was something completely bad. I have been picturing Christmas because even if she finds someone to reach out to she will never be able to get to me, I took away that power, and now I picture Christmas with no Hugh family fights, enjoying the holiday with family and friends in my beautiful home being able to embrace those I love.

I find myself wanting to let loose and do the things my mother would never let me do as a teen because it was always difficult to figure out who I was and express it with her in my life. I want to figure out who I am, and be ok with it not being how she or the rest of the world imagined me. I use to be so cautious of the person I presented myself to be, I would even caution my husband from wanting to try outrageous styles because I spent the majority of the time he spent expressing himself, making excuses and brushing off his outrageous style which I otherwise find attractive. He was raised not to care what others think of him and I was raised to care too much. It is never easy coming out of such a controlling relationship, you almost feel like if you let go to much one wrong move and you will be the new Lindsay Lohan. I don’t think it will be that bad, I’m not one for drugs and alcohol, maybe I should keep watch for my mother to go all Lohan, she still swears to getting all clean and sober, but then post she is going to have herself a martini for her birthday.

She had her opportunity to change and she blew it, not that a person like her knows how to change. Now it’s my turn and I am going to be exactly the girl who has always been hiding in me.