Conditioned

Published June 30, 2017 by PeachyKeene

You know that expression always trust your gut instinct? Believe in it, it never lies. The start of my relationship with my husband came from my failed relationship with his friend (ex friend now). The guy wasn’t very nice, he used people, he used my husband, he used me, what can I say we know how to attract them. I hate to say it, but my husbands judge of character is worse than mine.

When his friendship fell apart with this guy, there was a third friend, he chose my husbands friendship over this guy. The reasons became obvious, but disappeared with the excuses people made for his behavior and I tried believing those excuses until very recently my gut instinct made all the previous reasons resurface of why I should of trusted my gut instinct.

In the beginning of my husband and I relationship, we would hang out as friends, there were times his friend would be there, I worked overnights so on my nights off I would be awake at all hours, I’d catch my husband online and suggest grabbing a late night snack at sonic, followed by a walk on the beach, we’d just kind of chill until morning. Then there was a morning we all crashed at my house, my husband drifted off to sleep before his friend and I did. I couldn’t fall asleep after what happened next, his friend laid behind me and he stretched for my hand as I pulled it away, and whispered into my hair “a girl like you only comes around once in a lifetime, twice if a guy is lucky.”

I sprung up, unable to fall asleep with how this guy made his apparent feelings for me known, I didn’t understand how he couldn’t see it was his friend that I like(my husband). I thought he got it, as he watched my husband and I progressed into a relationship, I thought he knew there was no point in liking me anymore, I thought he got over me. I saw him go on to date other girls and I believed my husbands excuses for his bizarre behavior of “it’s because he grew up in foster care!”

At the back of my mind I always thought what is with this guy he is acting so strangely and it was always passed off with an excuse of growing up in foster care and a lack of love. From the one extremely bizarre time he tried to crawl into bed with my husband and I, to the time he tried laying his head in my lap, to the frequent hugs, all of it reasoned away. He’d blow up our phone every 15 minutes until we answered and agreed to let him come over. It was excused and reasoned away until I had no reason not to trust him, he became such an engrained piece of our lives, he was always there, and practically lived on our couch until he eventually just started living with us.

However everything changed, just this past year, things I was taught to trust were lies and my gut had been right all along, this guy was weird and his behavior would prove to me why I shouldn’t ignore it and then when I look back, what can you say hindsight is 20/20 and it showed me some very disturbing facts and only made me question how deep this obsession he has with me goes. I’ll get into what I began to notice in my next blog, otherwise this one might get to be too long.

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Social Cues

Published June 27, 2017 by PeachyKeene

Something my friend and I started discussing in the past few months is how cluster b personality disorders are either rather ignorant to reading social cues for example body language or tone of voice and most likely the latter is they can and just don’t care.
I deal with this on a regular basis, I tend to be somewhat passive aggressive hoping this person will just get a clue that I’m not interested, but they proceed anyway and I should realize they are going to because even when I’ve taken the direct approach and honestly said to them I don’t care to know I’ve had them say to me “so” and continue to talk.
This kind of social response comes mostly from a sociopath as they aren’t even going to pretend to keep up social graces, most of the other cluster b’s will try to act as if they care only so they can discuss themselves, but a true sociopath doesn’t even try to pretend. Yes I have encountered my first known sociopath and intend to get into talking about him in further detail as there is a lot of shroud in how I was duped into having a relationship with him that I would of declined if I had known the truth, sadly there was quiet a few people who held onto pieces of the puzzle that didn’t make the picture as crystal clear until they were all put into place in front of me, however this is the person who makes us go wow how can he not pick up on these social cues.
Truth is he can and doesn’t care because he lacks empathy, a person with empathy would be like ok they are in a bad mood I’ll leave them alone, a person without is so selfish they will demand your attention and if you get more upset about your interaction it’s an added bonus because they enjoy vying an emotional response from you.

Is there anyone after interacting with them you feel more drained than energized? like it feels like they zap your energy that you have? That my friends is an emotional vampire and it’s time to either get them out of your life if you can, but if you can’t you need to learn to grey rock. To grey rock someone means you don’t show them any emotion, you talk in monotone and have a flat affect which means they will become bored with you when they can no longer elicit the kind of response from you that they use to be able to get.
Usually with the current toxic person in my life, I appear as the mindless zombie completely taken over by my cell phone, usually I’m the type of person to give my undivided attention, but with him I look at my phone as if I’m uninterested in what he has to say and if I must answer I try to make my response very brief so he can’t build off of anything I say or use it as a Segway into talking about something else as he is notorious for doing this. In one of my blogs I want to get into talking about him into further detail and how I’ve come to make adjustments to myself to better deal with him and my further plans for action.

I hope by sharing my experiences it might be able to help others dealing with similar situations, it’s not unusual to keep running into these kinds of people over and over again in your life as they often recognize something about you that other cluster b’s saw that made you appear to make great supply for them, mostly because you have empathy and they try to take advantage of that. We should never give up on being the kind souls that we are we just have to train ourselves to recognize these types of people and how to cut off their supply of us.

Update on me

Published June 27, 2017 by PeachyKeene

I have been away for such a long time, in the process of healing, studying and researching these toxic personality types, and setting plans for the future. I’m still running into these types of people and sometimes find myself more entangled than I care to be.

I started this year with a total need for transformation, fearing my health and watching others new years resolutions to loose weight I decided that I was going to do it too, but I made sure to tell people it’s my long term goal to lose weight and get healthy. I didn’t want to set this as a this year I’m going to loose weight, I told myself that the kind of weight I want to loose takes more than a year and I will continue to work on loosing it and maintain my weight through a lifestyle change. Fad diets don’t work, much like my life before I see nothing to go back to.

I’ve been at this since January 9th and managed to loose 40 pounds, I’ve made a lot of necessary lifestyle changes that I’m seeing a lot of positive results in my health including being able to reverse my diabetes that I am no longer dependent on medication to manage it. I’m still a ways off from my ideal weight, but at least I’m further away from the life that would eventually kill me. Now that I’ve caught you up to speed on some of my absence, I want to talk about some other toxic people in my life as well as traits I’m noticing in these cluster b’s that you might be able to relate to. Thank you for being patient with me not blogging.

Holidays leave me more mixed than a holiday mixer.

Published December 19, 2016 by PeachyKeene

It becomes nearly impossible for me to get through a holiday without some remnant sadness lingering in the back of my head. As people talk about traditions and get together with their family I’m left mourning what will never be for mine and not because they aren’t around, but they can never be the person I need them to be and just in true fashion no one can make a person be what they need them to be, you either accept a person for who they are or you move on.

As Christmas approaches it marks my 4th without my mom and my 2nd without my dad. They are very much alive, but I decided Christmas was better without drama, fights, manipulations, and arguments. I still hold out hope that my father will grow a pair and tell his wife that one thing she does not have control or say over is his relationship with his daughter and grandson, hasn’t happened yet, but I hope it does. Until it does, I must go on living my life as if there is no pain or sadness. I try to bring joy to my son’s life so he may never know the pain and struggle that I have known. That the only memories he has are happy ones.

I have to often remind myself I did nothing wrong and that I’m just a bystander that was along for the ride of my own mother’s pain and insecurities, that she lacked the ability to love herself and refuse to put up with her own tormentors abuse. She may squabble at me whenever she pops up with an email out of nowhere that she owes me nothing that I’m an adult. I end up reminding her the same and get told what an awful person I am. I know she can’t make things right for me, however what she misses is I’m not looking for excuses I’m looking for empathy. “Sorry that you got hurt, there is no excuse for hurting you and I regret that I did because I love you so very much.” a true apology lacks excuses, the only message you should try to convey that matters is that you love them and that you never meant to hurt them, when you shrug your shoulders saying there is nothing I can do about it now you just need to get over it, you try to shut down that persons right to feel.

I want to believe there is a happy ending to this and if there is it’s not here, it’ in the afterlife. I try my hardest to take things one day at a time. I do my best to find my joy in making others smile. To know this is where the cycle ended and from the ash was born hope, peace, and a new found joy. I just wish they were a whole enough person so they could enjoy it to.

Being true to yourself has consequences

Published January 4, 2016 by PeachyKeene

About Mid December I mailed my father a letter telling him I wanted nothing to do with the family he married into, that I was tired of being hurt and people expecting me to put up with the cruel ways they treated me, that I knew his wife had talked to my mother and I felt so betrayed. That my dad needed to sort out his priorities and decide if I was someone that mattered to him. I love my dad, but the truth remains he is his wife’s enabler , he has seen her behave in the most awful ways and never addressed her cruelty he just follows her lead.

A family friend of ours told me my dad was angry at her telling her it was all her fault, that it took one of her many attention seeking E.R. visits to get my father to break the silence. She even turned to them asking them to lie to me and tell me that they were moving out of the state which they refused to do, instead they told me about their odd behavior because they couldn’t understand why she would want to lie to me about something like that.

Then a few days after Christmas I received sad news that my cousin had passed away, she was so young with so much life ahead of her. We were more than cousins we grew up like friends. I went straight to my grandmother’s when I found out and not surprisingly they didn’t tell her we weren’t speaking when she asked him to share the news with me. As I grieved the loss of my cousin, my dad’s wife came up with her next lie and had one of her friend’s deliver it. I should of known no matter how kind you think a person is if they are friends with a snake they’re probably one to.

Despite the fact that My dad’s wife and I were not getting along I kept people on my facebook that were her friends who I considered to be kind, I looking back on it realize how foolish it was as the fact remains they were her friends, I just don’t like to base my judgement of others on one persons opinion unless that opinion is my own. So her friend let me see how far her poison could sink as her friend wrote on my wall the same message she sent to me privately That my father and his wife were splitting and she was moving out. I didn’t respond, I spoke with family which it was confirmed it was a lie. Not even during a family tragedy does a narcissist back off instead they behave worse.

Then I found out how foolish I was to think I’d ever get to have a relationship with my dad. As I thought he should know what has been going on as well as us try to start the new year off right, I attempted to call his cell phone so I could speak with him without having to speak to her and she answered his phone. I hung up feeling so let down, he really signed himself over to her which the only way to have a relationship with my father meant enduring the abuse and drama. In that moment I knew our chances of having a relationship were slim.

My father has a type…. “Narcissist”. Which leaves me parent-less. I just wish I had known like a decade ago what I was dealing with.

 

 

The Flurries of December

Published December 7, 2015 by PeachyKeene

My mind keeps swirling with so many things about to take place, we are about 2 1/2 weeks from Christmas and the stellar job my husband took back in September isn’t so stellar as we thought. They have unrealistic expectations and they can’t seem to get that as their staff has shrank to a skeleton crew that maybe they need to realize having a computer rate your employees especially when you don’t know how the computer operates or tell your employees how it operates to improve their score isn’t the brightest idea. So now with his second write up both in a week time frame, the 3rd one means he’s fired and it will probably be coming soon.

It’s hard to imagine someone telling my husband he’s not fast enough, his last job he was their hardest and fastest worker. So as he applies at various jobs, thankful that christmas shopping is nearly done, we get ready to buckle down on our finances and anticipate he may be on unemployment at least for a few weeks. until he starts a new job. With this hiccup, it ultimately has left me focused on my own households problems that I have found broaching the conversation with my dad about my issues with them really unapproachable at this time.

I guess the reason I feel this way is there isn’t going to be some sweet reunion where I say I’ll forget about his wife’s behavior and actions towards my family and I. If anything as I have struggled with my feelings, have had things brought to my attention that cross all lines and boundaries, I struggle with telling him I want no part in his life with his wife and step son. My dad being a homebody who doesn’t go out, me being someone who never wants to step foot in her home wonder if the relationship will go any further, I do not see my father doing much to keep our relationship going, he can’t even do what’s right.

Not to mention how childish she will behave when she finds out that I don’t want anything to do with her or her son. I know it doesn’t do me any good to listen to gossip, but when you hear people repeat things she would only know it leaves you feeling so misguided in your trust of her. Then my mother went out of her way to email me and basically told me they had been speaking. Who disregards your trust like that? Those are lines you never cross. I just have no faith or trust in her and I will not make my family pay the price of her hurtfulness. I just hate that it’s always during a time of love and peace that I am faced with adversity and conflict.

Narcassistic Mother Syndrome

Published September 13, 2015 by PeachyKeene

Sometimes as I begin to realize there are a lot of Narcissistic people in this world and quiet a few close to me I wonder if I’m going to have to turn my back on them until there is no one left. Maybe not everyone is, but it gets to be so daunting when you realize not only was your mom and grandma toxic narcissist in your life, but now your step mother. Sometimes I think it’s hard to see as some are so self focused that you really can’t see beyond the one who demands your attention for that given time. I know in the past I’ve spoken of my step mom as if she was an angel who showed me compassion when my own mother didn’t and now realize I was facing a very dramatic time in my life and the narcissist thrives on drama, to be close to it, it excites her.

When my husband was accused of undressing my brothers girlfriend with his eyes, she hid and stayed out of view, and within 15 mins. she had picked up the phone texting to thank me for a gift that she’d more than likely have no interest in if she truly wasn’t feeling well and would of waited till feeling better before she texted me. She knew I left upset and texted me and though I said I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now she would not stop bombarding me with text messages and messages via social media. She expected me to accept the way I was being treated and my husband was being treated. When she tried reconciling with me she refused to acknowledge my husband and I feelings about how we were treated, instead she kept flooding me with how she was hurt by my response to what they had done, her apology lacked empathy “sorry for whatever I did.” Then demanded I quit speaking to her and said to let my father know when I want to see him so she could leave so she doesn’t “hurt” anyone’s feelings. The classic narcissist resents others for having feelings especially if you feel the need to express to them how they hurt you, they do not do well with confrontation and ultimately want the focus to be on them.

When I once lived with my parents (dad and my step mom) I didn’t know a whole lot about personality disorders. I knew something was off with my step mom, but I didn’t know what. She’d read to much into something and would think I was trying to apply something about her when I wasn’t and she’d scream to the point of me being in tears not knowing what I did that set her off, My step brother for a time got close to me and would ask me for advice which resulted in her threating to kill herself and telling me I could finish raising him, their anger comes out of no where and blindsides you. They let my brother’s girlfriend steal from me with no repercussions in fact when I confronted her my step mom went on a screaming fit and it was the final of reasons I just couldn’t be in their house, the girl actually moved on to stealing from them and instead of an apology they expected me to sympathize with them for what they were now dealing with. They even let a friend move in with us at one time and even told her she could live the first month rent free and allowed her to get in my face about a bill she thought I should help pay (she had a faster internet service installed) she couldn’t ask me nicely to help contribute and truthfully the first month I think it was her duty to cover it as she wasn’t contributing anything else to the household. During the time of their friend being here I moved out which her stay was short lived. I had a lot of roller coaster relationships with the female maternal roles in my life. My dad is his wife’s enabler and it makes me feel parentless. I can’t count on them for the love and support I need so now I must more than ever love myself.

I for a time thought about trying to reach out to just my father before the break I decided to take for myself was up, then thought about my father not doing a thing to defend or protect me and was at times willing to blame me to appease his wife. I will speak to my dad alone when the time I have given myself has passed. I have come to accept that I can not expect much and will have to continue to be firm with my boundaries. Though many people have expressed having no interest in attending their wedding vow renewal for their 13th anniversary she still proceeds with her plans.

I know I serve the purpose of being her scapegoat and usually it’s the child who does well for themselves in life that is subjected to continual blame. The secrets I learn about her beloved son (golden child) make me sick to think of the context of their relationship he calls and needs anything she will drop everything and go, she obsessively calls him at least 10 times a day and gets upset if he doesn’t answer or call her back, she isn’t the least bit upset by his lack of respect for women he cheats on girls she doesn’t care, he’s had multiple pregnancies that resulted in abortions and she doesn’t even bat an eyelash. He gets parties, expensive gifts, special treatment, he even was given my dad’s old truck which my dad swore he’d never give him a vehicle cause he never gave me one. Yes to some extent it makes me upset that their isn’t a balance in the way they treat the 2 of us, but I know when they are gone  he will struggle because of how codependent his mother has made him.

It gets hard realizing the dysfunction of so many adults that they tear holes in their kids and we are left trying to sew those wholes shut. I struggle almost daily knowing, no matter how hard I try and how open I leave my heart, people will not always be the way I hoped and exposing how vulnerable I am in wanting this relationship to be loving and harmonious will only get me hurt.

Who would of guessed I would keep finding more people to be cautious of that are just as toxic as the last. I have found happiness and I am working hard on maintaining my boundaries. I’m ready for this year to be over.